Nobody has read my blog in ever so long, so I would love to be able to say exactly what I feel, but you never know, there may be that one person who may just happen to read it. So, I will be nice, but OMG!! it's gonna kill me.
"I'm through.... trust me." I just heard these words a few minutes ago. Is this a warning.... a threat? All that I actually feel is.... RAGE!! I have seen the signs before and I have been here before. I did not like it then and I sure as hell, don't like it now!! I have been diagnosed with OCD and Anger Issues. They actually call it a form of depression, but I don't get depressed and cry or withdraw. I get angry, not just mad. but ANGRY! I know the exact reasons for all of the anger, but I'm not posting them here. I will say this.... I am very vocal and straight forward, I don't clam up or bury my feelings deep inside.... I say it and I get it out. I'm sure this is part of the reason that I have been here before and may possibly be going through all of this again. Only, there will never be a next time. I was pushed into my murderous rages before and people were physically injured, but they survived. Not this time.... I WILL NOT roll over.... I WILL NOT go quietly. I am much older and I am in bad health, but I WILL NOT be blamed for a bunch of bullshit.
I WILL fight back.... I WILL go into a black murderous rage, as I have in the past, and.... I WILL hurt somebody and their survival is questionable. I'm positive they will not recover and be the person they were at one time.
Don't you dare threaten me. Don't you dare give me a reason to doubt your honesty. DON'T PUSH ME!! I am so sick of the condescending attitude.... get your act together. You know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there have been many things beyond my control. Things that would have killed a weaker person and I did my best to fight and overcome, but I had to give in to the inevitable.
But this.... I WILL NOT tolerate! I WILL NOT give in or give up!
From this moment on.... whatever happens is of your doing.... not mine. It's your choice....
TO THE END.... TO THE DEATH!! TRUST ME!!
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
Things Realized
One thing I have realized lately is.... I'm tired. I have lost 68 pounds and I do feel more like doing things around the house. It's been 2 months since my sweet little girl has had to do the dishes. I have also been able to do some of the laundry and a little of the mopping. So.... I'm tired. It's a good tired and I am so glad that I have been able to help out with the housework.
I haven't been able to work since 2005 so therefore, I have in no way contributed to the financial up-keep of our home. I wasn't able to do much, if any, of the up-keep of our home. All of the money brought in, was from Ronnie's hard work. His work takes him away from home at least 3-4 days a week. It's lonely for him and for Meredith and me. Poor Meredith, went to school, maintained an A-B average, was involved with her church activities and with drama, but she cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked and cared for me during this time. I have realized.... that I am no longer sure of what my place is anymore. This makes me sad.
I have realized.... that life is not fair and can be cruel. Illness took so many things from me, my independence, my ability to contribute and my self confidence. The government has ruled that I am
not entitled to my disability and this adds to my lack of self confidence and ability to help with our finances. This make me angry.
Well.... I am not going to let this get me down. The Lord has blessed me and I am thankful, so.... I will try harder to do more to help out around here. I may have to rest in between but, that's okay. God is in control and He will give me what I need.
I have realized.... Life is too short to waste it on what is in the past.
I haven't been able to work since 2005 so therefore, I have in no way contributed to the financial up-keep of our home. I wasn't able to do much, if any, of the up-keep of our home. All of the money brought in, was from Ronnie's hard work. His work takes him away from home at least 3-4 days a week. It's lonely for him and for Meredith and me. Poor Meredith, went to school, maintained an A-B average, was involved with her church activities and with drama, but she cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked and cared for me during this time. I have realized.... that I am no longer sure of what my place is anymore. This makes me sad.
I have realized.... that life is not fair and can be cruel. Illness took so many things from me, my independence, my ability to contribute and my self confidence. The government has ruled that I am
not entitled to my disability and this adds to my lack of self confidence and ability to help with our finances. This make me angry.
Well.... I am not going to let this get me down. The Lord has blessed me and I am thankful, so.... I will try harder to do more to help out around here. I may have to rest in between but, that's okay. God is in control and He will give me what I need.
I have realized.... Life is too short to waste it on what is in the past.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Moving Forward....
I titled this "Moving Forward," because I can't possibly fill in all of the blanks from the lapse in posting on my blog, so I am going to take it from here. Well, even here has a starting point.
As you can see, this is Labor Day.... September 1st. We had breakfast this morning at the Cracker Barrel. Ronnie, Meredith and I, met Justin, Jordan and Phe, Leigh and Sid and Jeff, Mindy and Parker there. It was nice, having my family and good friends with me. Of course, my favorite thing is watching Phoenix. Watching Phoenix grow.... watching Phoenix play and explore. Watching Phoenix, as her eyes light up and that smile comes across her face. Oh dear Lord, she is beautiful, and so smart. Thank you Heavenly Father for blessing our family with this most precious treasure and for my family and friends.
On Thursday of last week, Cookie and I attended the funeral of an 18 year old young man, killed in a one car accident. His grandparents are our friends, Edward and Ann Peeler and my heart breaks for their loss. Death is such a hard thing to process. You inevitably realize that death will come to all of us at our appointed time, but you think it will be when you're 96 years of age, you're tired and ready to go home to be with Jesus and your family and friends, who are there already.
You don't understand the loss of infants, children, teens or young people. You just think that death comes to the elderly, not to the ones who are just beginning. However, this is not the case. Babies get cancer and die. Illness, accidents, unexplainable situations, take the young away. I know that there is a reason and one day the reason will be revealed. But, in the meantime, families are burying their young people and grieving over the loss of a life just beginning and a future that will never be. I read on FB this statement: "Our loved ones who are gone, are a part of our past and they leave behind sweet memories. However, if they are believers in Christ, they are also in our future. Each day we live, brings us closer to Heaven, closer to life eternal with Jesus and with our family and friends." Hallelujah.... Life Eternal with Jesus, who paid the ultimate price for our sins, Life Eternal in a Home, more beautiful than we can imagine. Life Eternal with our family and friends, reunited, never to be separated again.
So.... we move forward.
As you can see, this is Labor Day.... September 1st. We had breakfast this morning at the Cracker Barrel. Ronnie, Meredith and I, met Justin, Jordan and Phe, Leigh and Sid and Jeff, Mindy and Parker there. It was nice, having my family and good friends with me. Of course, my favorite thing is watching Phoenix. Watching Phoenix grow.... watching Phoenix play and explore. Watching Phoenix, as her eyes light up and that smile comes across her face. Oh dear Lord, she is beautiful, and so smart. Thank you Heavenly Father for blessing our family with this most precious treasure and for my family and friends.
On Thursday of last week, Cookie and I attended the funeral of an 18 year old young man, killed in a one car accident. His grandparents are our friends, Edward and Ann Peeler and my heart breaks for their loss. Death is such a hard thing to process. You inevitably realize that death will come to all of us at our appointed time, but you think it will be when you're 96 years of age, you're tired and ready to go home to be with Jesus and your family and friends, who are there already.
You don't understand the loss of infants, children, teens or young people. You just think that death comes to the elderly, not to the ones who are just beginning. However, this is not the case. Babies get cancer and die. Illness, accidents, unexplainable situations, take the young away. I know that there is a reason and one day the reason will be revealed. But, in the meantime, families are burying their young people and grieving over the loss of a life just beginning and a future that will never be. I read on FB this statement: "Our loved ones who are gone, are a part of our past and they leave behind sweet memories. However, if they are believers in Christ, they are also in our future. Each day we live, brings us closer to Heaven, closer to life eternal with Jesus and with our family and friends." Hallelujah.... Life Eternal with Jesus, who paid the ultimate price for our sins, Life Eternal in a Home, more beautiful than we can imagine. Life Eternal with our family and friends, reunited, never to be separated again.
So.... we move forward.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
School days
School actually started for the district schools on Monday. Jon Mark and Amy's boys started K-4 at
Boiling Springs First Baptist. Kane and Tripp are in the same class and I know they are going to have such a good time together, just like Andy and Justin.
Meredith starts her Sophomore year at Upstate tomorrow. OMG.... I can't believe my baby girl will be a Sophomore in college. It seems just like yesterday that I took her to K-4 at BSFB. I am so proud of her, because she has kept up her grades and maintained a GPA of 3.9 and her scholarships have paid for her college. This year, the scholarship money even paid for her books. We went school supply shopping this week and she got everything she needed. She has her planner filled in with her schedule, her notebooks are ready and her bag is packed. Most of her friends are off at college, and they decorated their dorm rooms with all kinds of neat things. So, she bought a few things to decorate her room and she even worked on a few craft items to make her room different for her Sophomore year.
Father in Heaven.... I pray your protection on the students, teacher and staff, as they begin a new school year. It was posted on FB this afternoon that a Broome High School student collapsed from a medical issue and could not be revived. Lord.... this just breaks my heart. A mom sent her child to school today and her child didn't come home. Please, surround this family with your love. Give the family, friends and classmates comfort, give them peace. And Lord, please give them strength and guidance in the days ahead. AMEN
I really do need to post more often than I do, but nobody reads this anyway.
I will close with this.... Up to now, I have lost 67 pounds. I do feel better about the way I look, but health wise, I still feel like crap. Anyway, I'm praying I can lose about 40 more pounds and stay there.
I love and adore my precious family.... Ronnie and Meredith. Justin, Jordan and Phoenix.... my precious grand daughter. There is Sophia and Petey.... our fur babies, who make us laugh. Protect my family and my friends, and keep them safe.
Speaking of family.... We have a new member in the family. Kasen Dean Horne was born on July 26th to Amy and Dean and big brother, Kane. He is beautiful and of course.... precious.
Good night Mrs. Callabash.... Where ever you are. (Jimmy Durante)
Boiling Springs First Baptist. Kane and Tripp are in the same class and I know they are going to have such a good time together, just like Andy and Justin.
Meredith starts her Sophomore year at Upstate tomorrow. OMG.... I can't believe my baby girl will be a Sophomore in college. It seems just like yesterday that I took her to K-4 at BSFB. I am so proud of her, because she has kept up her grades and maintained a GPA of 3.9 and her scholarships have paid for her college. This year, the scholarship money even paid for her books. We went school supply shopping this week and she got everything she needed. She has her planner filled in with her schedule, her notebooks are ready and her bag is packed. Most of her friends are off at college, and they decorated their dorm rooms with all kinds of neat things. So, she bought a few things to decorate her room and she even worked on a few craft items to make her room different for her Sophomore year.
Father in Heaven.... I pray your protection on the students, teacher and staff, as they begin a new school year. It was posted on FB this afternoon that a Broome High School student collapsed from a medical issue and could not be revived. Lord.... this just breaks my heart. A mom sent her child to school today and her child didn't come home. Please, surround this family with your love. Give the family, friends and classmates comfort, give them peace. And Lord, please give them strength and guidance in the days ahead. AMEN
I really do need to post more often than I do, but nobody reads this anyway.
I will close with this.... Up to now, I have lost 67 pounds. I do feel better about the way I look, but health wise, I still feel like crap. Anyway, I'm praying I can lose about 40 more pounds and stay there.
I love and adore my precious family.... Ronnie and Meredith. Justin, Jordan and Phoenix.... my precious grand daughter. There is Sophia and Petey.... our fur babies, who make us laugh. Protect my family and my friends, and keep them safe.
Speaking of family.... We have a new member in the family. Kasen Dean Horne was born on July 26th to Amy and Dean and big brother, Kane. He is beautiful and of course.... precious.
Good night Mrs. Callabash.... Where ever you are. (Jimmy Durante)
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Good day
Today was a good day. Ronnie left to go out of town and that's not good, but Meredith and I had lunch with Debbie and Emily Robinson. Emily is Meredith's BFF and her mom and I sing in the choir together and are good friends.
I don't get out much and it was really nice to go out to lunch like a grown up. We went to the Converse Deli and had salads. That's what you do when you go on a grown up lunch date, eat a salad. Don't get me wrong, I love salads and this was a great salad, but you can't eat like you're at home. You have to have table manners. place your napkins in your lap and no elbows on the table. Eat with your mouth closed and no bodily functions, burping, farting or blowing your nose.
There was a man at the table next to us, who had this ooey,gooey chocolate dessert. OMG, it looked wonderful. I'm not a big dessert eater, as a rule, but there is something about not being able to have something that makes you want it. I wanted to reach across the table, knock the man in the head and steal his dessert.
After we left the deli, we went to Barnes and Noble, Debbie had to pick up a book, and I had coffee and everyone else had cold drinks, like iced coffee, and a chocolate concoction. Again, I was good. We talked and laughed and had a really nice time. It was nice being a grown up for a day and going out.
Now, I'm home in my gown and drinking a nice cold coke zero. I can have this with no guilt, unless I believe all of the stories about sodas, which I don't. I'm a skeptic, especially when it comes to things I like. I'm not dead yet.
I don't get out much and it was really nice to go out to lunch like a grown up. We went to the Converse Deli and had salads. That's what you do when you go on a grown up lunch date, eat a salad. Don't get me wrong, I love salads and this was a great salad, but you can't eat like you're at home. You have to have table manners. place your napkins in your lap and no elbows on the table. Eat with your mouth closed and no bodily functions, burping, farting or blowing your nose.
There was a man at the table next to us, who had this ooey,gooey chocolate dessert. OMG, it looked wonderful. I'm not a big dessert eater, as a rule, but there is something about not being able to have something that makes you want it. I wanted to reach across the table, knock the man in the head and steal his dessert.
After we left the deli, we went to Barnes and Noble, Debbie had to pick up a book, and I had coffee and everyone else had cold drinks, like iced coffee, and a chocolate concoction. Again, I was good. We talked and laughed and had a really nice time. It was nice being a grown up for a day and going out.
Now, I'm home in my gown and drinking a nice cold coke zero. I can have this with no guilt, unless I believe all of the stories about sodas, which I don't. I'm a skeptic, especially when it comes to things I like. I'm not dead yet.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Not Quite Catching Up....
Lord, I didn't realize how long it had been since I had posted. I always loved to blog, but like I said before, nobody ever reads my page. I have very few people who post on my FB page unless I post pictures.
I'm sure I will never catch up on everything that has happened, so I may just take it from here.
First thing I really want to address is the number of suicides recently. There have been 3 suicides in the last couple of months. One young man I have known since he was a little guy. His aunt and uncle are good friends and when I heard what had happened, it made me sick to my stomach. Just this past week, a young man in Meredith's college group at church and he also attended Upstate, committed suicide, while his family was on vacation. Then later on in the week, a woman, 48 years old or somewhere around that age. mother of two, school teacher and wonderful Christian woman who was a great encourager to others, committed suicide!! WHY??
What can possible be so horrific that you would take your own life. Of course, we don't know what terrible things these people were facing, but I don't know of anything that God can't carry us through.
I, myself, have been through two painful divorces, the loss of my parents and Ronnie's parents, and endless physical problems, heart surgery and internal bleeding, just to name two and I can honestly say that I felt the peace of God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, no where close, but I could never put my family and friends through that terrible loss. Death is a loss that you adjust to and deal with, but losing someone from suicide has to be the ultimate. I'm not candy coating death, it's real, it's painful and life changing, but if you know Jesus as your personal Savior, then death is just a step into eternal peace.
I know I may really make some people mad, if anybody is reading this, but suicide is selfish. You may stop living, but the family and friends that you leave behind, have to deal with the pain and the confusion, wondering if there was something that could have done to change it.
The other matter I want to address is.... DRAMA on FACEBOOK!! For crying out loud, leave the really personal things off and if you do post something, you give people the right to comment. If you don't want to hear what they have to say, DON'T POST. If they say something that angers you, don't show your stupidity and argue back and forth or curse them. Don't air your dirty laundry on FB, I don't want to know about it. Another thing, don't make crap up and lie. Then suddenly act like your account has been hacked. If you need that kind of attention, stand naked on the side of the road with a tin cup, you'll get attention that way. You may even be placed in a mental ward, where you probably need to be anyway.
Okay, bitching session is through for the day. I could have just as easily posted this all on FB, but then I would be causing drama.
Until next time....
I remain,
Opinionated
I'm sure I will never catch up on everything that has happened, so I may just take it from here.
First thing I really want to address is the number of suicides recently. There have been 3 suicides in the last couple of months. One young man I have known since he was a little guy. His aunt and uncle are good friends and when I heard what had happened, it made me sick to my stomach. Just this past week, a young man in Meredith's college group at church and he also attended Upstate, committed suicide, while his family was on vacation. Then later on in the week, a woman, 48 years old or somewhere around that age. mother of two, school teacher and wonderful Christian woman who was a great encourager to others, committed suicide!! WHY??
What can possible be so horrific that you would take your own life. Of course, we don't know what terrible things these people were facing, but I don't know of anything that God can't carry us through.
I, myself, have been through two painful divorces, the loss of my parents and Ronnie's parents, and endless physical problems, heart surgery and internal bleeding, just to name two and I can honestly say that I felt the peace of God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, no where close, but I could never put my family and friends through that terrible loss. Death is a loss that you adjust to and deal with, but losing someone from suicide has to be the ultimate. I'm not candy coating death, it's real, it's painful and life changing, but if you know Jesus as your personal Savior, then death is just a step into eternal peace.
I know I may really make some people mad, if anybody is reading this, but suicide is selfish. You may stop living, but the family and friends that you leave behind, have to deal with the pain and the confusion, wondering if there was something that could have done to change it.
The other matter I want to address is.... DRAMA on FACEBOOK!! For crying out loud, leave the really personal things off and if you do post something, you give people the right to comment. If you don't want to hear what they have to say, DON'T POST. If they say something that angers you, don't show your stupidity and argue back and forth or curse them. Don't air your dirty laundry on FB, I don't want to know about it. Another thing, don't make crap up and lie. Then suddenly act like your account has been hacked. If you need that kind of attention, stand naked on the side of the road with a tin cup, you'll get attention that way. You may even be placed in a mental ward, where you probably need to be anyway.
Okay, bitching session is through for the day. I could have just as easily posted this all on FB, but then I would be causing drama.
Until next time....
I remain,
Opinionated
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Sadness
On Monday of this week, I received a call about my dad's brother, Morris. It seems that he became very ill and called 911. They rushed him to the ER and then transferred him to St. Joseph's Hospital in Savannah, Ga.
I just talked to him a couple of weeks ago and he said he was feeling good and he sounded good. However, I think he had been sick for awhile and never told anybody. Anyway, when he arrived at St. Joseph's they performed a heart cath and then rushed him into surgery to perform triple-by-pass.
He came through the surgery fine, but he never regained consciousness and suffered a stroke.
During the next few days he continued to suffer mini strokes and yesterday, they removed him from the ventilator. He passed away at 1:00 this morning.
Morris Russell Easler was born January 8, 1941 to Oliver and Catherine (Wolfe) Easler. He was the 5th of 7 children.... 6 boys and 1 little girl. Uncle Morris, Uncle Larry and Aunt Carol were closer in age to us so, we spent lots of time with them. Saturday morning breakfast at Grandma's and later, Carol and Morris would turn on the radio and dance.
Morris played the piano and sang. He sang in a men's quartet at church and mama played the piano. Aunt Carol also sang solos and when the Easler clan got together, there was good food, lots of laughter and always music.
I use to write to him when he was in Vietnam and when I graduated from high school, he gave me a savings bond that matured to almost 3x the original value, years later when I finally cashed it in. He was the "runt" of the family, he was handsome, funny, a wonderful cook and a clean freak (OCD).
He had a very distinct voice and when he laughed.... he laughed all over.
I love you Uncle Morris and I am going to miss you. Thank you for the sweet and precious memories of my childhood. I am so blessed to have had you in my life. Before I close, do me a big favor....
I know when you entered the gates of Heaven, there was a big Easler reunion and they took you to see Jesus. One day we will all be there with you, but please tell my daddy and mama how much I love them and I appreciate every sacrifice they made to provide for us.
This is not goodbye.... this is I love you....this is thank you.... this is I will see you later.
With all of my love.... Amelia Ann
I just talked to him a couple of weeks ago and he said he was feeling good and he sounded good. However, I think he had been sick for awhile and never told anybody. Anyway, when he arrived at St. Joseph's they performed a heart cath and then rushed him into surgery to perform triple-by-pass.
He came through the surgery fine, but he never regained consciousness and suffered a stroke.
During the next few days he continued to suffer mini strokes and yesterday, they removed him from the ventilator. He passed away at 1:00 this morning.
Morris Russell Easler was born January 8, 1941 to Oliver and Catherine (Wolfe) Easler. He was the 5th of 7 children.... 6 boys and 1 little girl. Uncle Morris, Uncle Larry and Aunt Carol were closer in age to us so, we spent lots of time with them. Saturday morning breakfast at Grandma's and later, Carol and Morris would turn on the radio and dance.
Morris played the piano and sang. He sang in a men's quartet at church and mama played the piano. Aunt Carol also sang solos and when the Easler clan got together, there was good food, lots of laughter and always music.
I use to write to him when he was in Vietnam and when I graduated from high school, he gave me a savings bond that matured to almost 3x the original value, years later when I finally cashed it in. He was the "runt" of the family, he was handsome, funny, a wonderful cook and a clean freak (OCD).
He had a very distinct voice and when he laughed.... he laughed all over.
I love you Uncle Morris and I am going to miss you. Thank you for the sweet and precious memories of my childhood. I am so blessed to have had you in my life. Before I close, do me a big favor....
I know when you entered the gates of Heaven, there was a big Easler reunion and they took you to see Jesus. One day we will all be there with you, but please tell my daddy and mama how much I love them and I appreciate every sacrifice they made to provide for us.
This is not goodbye.... this is I love you....this is thank you.... this is I will see you later.
With all of my love.... Amelia Ann
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