Old Crazy Bitch

I really don't know what to say. It's like things improve and then it's back to square one.

They are so very rude and critical. I've been told that I need to find more intelligent people to spend time with. Actually I spend more time with the pups than anybody else, but they are my biggest source of unconditional love and comfort. Whenever I am on the phone, no matter who I am speaking to or what the purpose is of the call, they are constantly asking who I'm talking to, making rude comments and actually timing my calls. They are definitely not a source of more intelligence, rudeness, but not intelligence.

They have to know and control everything in my life. My God, it's like being in a prison. Of course, I'm not allowed to spend money without reporting what the money is for, how much and do I really need it? Let's not even discuss Coke Zero or how much toilet paper I use. I quit asking for wipes, because I've been told to use a wash cloth, that's even been suggested in place of TP!! I need to stay on my diet, but I have cut down my daily consumption, because I have to stay within the grocery budget and get only things that everyone can eat, nothing special. I understand our having to be on a budget and I realize that it's my fault. I've struggled for years with numerous health issues, daddy tried, while he was still working, to get me to apply for my disability. In January of 2005, I had to finally leave. I filed later in 2005 and after 10 years, 2 court dates and, several appeals.... it was over. I was not eligible for my disability and denied the money that I had paid in for 32 years. We had a lot of debt (we won't go into all of that) and Ronnie was carrying the financial burden alone.

I stay at home.... I'm careful not to go many places and waste gas. I don't go shopping, actually I hate shopping, but I try not to spend money unnecessarily. I don't go to the grocery store alone and I have been forbidden to go to Dollar General. If I do come in with a bag.... "Does the leader know you went shopping or did he say you could go. What did you buy, why did you buy that and did you need that? We're on a budget.... we can't spend any money!"

In all fairness, they do look after me, take care of things and they are concerned for my health issues, but that does not give them the right to question everything.

I'm tired and I really lost control of my temper, a couple of weeks ago. I have a recliner and it's breaking down, because both of the dogs want to be in the chair with me.There is a pole lamp behind
the chair and a table beside the chair, with a lamp on it. When Pete decides to jump out of the chair, it starts to swing around on it's on and when my feet are elevated, it's hard to stop it. The pole lamp has tipped precariously to the side, but I can't stop. It happened one night and suddenly I was being screamed at, like a child. I lost it.... I screamed back, cursed horribly, pointed my finger and, of course my famous brow lift and clenched teeth were a given, along with a little bit of spittle. Finally after the tirade was over and I was exhausted, I left the house. I had to get out of there because I couldn't breathe. Before long a phone call was made to the leader and then I received a call. I told the leader off and hung up. Why do they push me? They know when the line is crossed, I'm gonna lose it and scream like a crazy person, which is exactly what they say I am. Crazy, Old and Demented.... totally losing brain cells and will probably be a babbling idiot in no time. My God, really? Oh, and let's not forget my computer. My computer time is recorded and I must always move my computer back to my desk in the front of the house and not leave it in the den. I have gone to the bathroom before and the damned thing has been moved.

They feign innocence, with the pretense of "We're playing!" If I try to ignore them and not say anything at all, then I'm bombarded with "Are you mad or are you alright?" Well, what the hell do they think?

I do admit, I am a bitch, not all of the time, but I can be. I know I am crazy, not certified, but I probably could be. I don't feel good.... ever and with all of the health issues going on, it makes me not so pleasant or there again, a bitch. They must realize that they have their own problems too and I do try to live with and accept them. I try not to bother or aggravate or pick on them. I try to be understanding.... I am not perfect and I make mistakes, I realize that, but I really do try. I do love them with all of my heart. I am thankful to God for my family, but sometimes they hurt me.... playing or not.

Sometimes, it can be good and comfortable and fun, but in no time, that can be spoiled by a little remark or criticism and God forbid if I retaliate.... I am a horrible woman.... a bitch.... a crazy, old bitch. I've heard it all.

Sometimes.... It makes me sad, very sad.

Head-On

I can honestly say, that there have been some changes in the dynamics of the situation. Being one to face a challenge head-on and never one to keep things to myself.... I made my stand clear and I have been heard.

There are many things to consider and one must come to realize, that so many things can play a big part in bringing about change.

I'm not really so worried about the future of this particular situation, I met the challenge head-on and even threw out an ultimatum or two, myself. I do matter, my opinion is important and I will not go quietly or without a fight.

With this being said.... We will continue to pray. We will continue to give and take and work harder. Anything worth having, is worth working for.

Seriously??

Nobody has read my blog in ever so long, so I would love to be able to say exactly what I feel, but you never know, there may be that one person who may just happen to read it. So, I will be nice, but OMG!! it's gonna kill me.

"I'm through.... trust me." I just heard these words a few minutes ago. Is this a warning.... a threat? All that I actually feel is.... RAGE!! I have seen the signs before and I have been here before. I did not like it then and I sure as hell, don't like it now!! I have been diagnosed with OCD and Anger Issues. They actually call it a form of depression, but I don't get depressed and cry or withdraw. I get angry, not just mad. but ANGRY! I know the exact reasons for all of the anger, but I'm not posting them here. I will say this.... I am very vocal and straight forward, I don't clam up or bury my feelings deep inside.... I say it and I get it out. I'm sure this is part of the reason that I have been here before and may possibly be going through all of this again. Only, there will never be a next time. I was pushed into my murderous rages before and people were physically injured, but they survived. Not this time.... I WILL NOT roll over.... I WILL NOT go quietly. I am much older and I am in bad health, but I WILL NOT be blamed for a bunch of bullshit.

I WILL fight back.... I WILL go into a black murderous rage, as I have in the past, and.... I WILL hurt somebody and their survival is questionable. I'm positive they will not recover and be the person they were at one time.

Don't you dare threaten me. Don't you dare give me a reason to doubt your honesty. DON'T PUSH ME!! I am so sick of the condescending attitude.... get your act together. You know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there have been many things beyond my control. Things that would have killed a weaker person and I did my best to fight and overcome, but I had to give in to the inevitable.
But this.... I WILL NOT tolerate!  I WILL NOT give in or give up!

From this moment on.... whatever  happens is of your doing.... not mine. It's your choice....

TO THE END.... TO THE DEATH!!  TRUST ME!!

Things Realized

One thing I have realized lately is.... I'm tired. I have lost 68 pounds and I do feel more like doing things around the house. It's been 2 months since my sweet little girl has had to do the dishes. I have also been able to do some of the laundry and a little of the mopping. So.... I'm tired. It's a good tired and I am so glad that I have been able to help out with the housework.

I haven't been able to work since 2005 so therefore, I have in no way contributed to the financial up-keep of our home. I wasn't able to do much, if any, of the up-keep of our home. All of the money brought in, was from Ronnie's hard work. His work takes him away from home at least 3-4 days a week. It's lonely for him and for Meredith and me. Poor Meredith, went to school, maintained an A-B average, was involved with her church activities and with drama, but she cleaned the house, did the laundry, cooked and cared for me during this time.  I have realized.... that I am no longer sure of what my place is anymore. This makes me sad.

I have realized.... that life is not fair and can be cruel. Illness took so many things from me, my independence, my ability to contribute and my self confidence. The government has ruled that I am
not entitled to my disability and this adds to my lack of self confidence and ability to help with our finances. This make me angry.

Well.... I am not going to let this get me down. The Lord has blessed me and I am thankful, so.... I will try harder to do more to help out around here. I may have to rest in between but, that's okay. God is in control and He will give me what I need.

I have realized.... Life is too short to waste it on what is in the past.

Moving Forward....

I titled this "Moving Forward," because I can't possibly fill in all of the blanks from the lapse in posting on my blog, so I am going to take it from here. Well, even here has a starting point.

As you can see, this is Labor Day.... September 1st. We had breakfast this morning at the Cracker Barrel. Ronnie, Meredith and I, met Justin, Jordan and Phe, Leigh and Sid and Jeff, Mindy and Parker there. It was nice, having my family and good friends with me. Of course, my favorite thing is watching Phoenix. Watching Phoenix grow.... watching Phoenix play and explore. Watching Phoenix, as her eyes light up and that smile comes across her face. Oh dear Lord, she is beautiful, and so smart. Thank you Heavenly Father for blessing our family with this most precious treasure and for my family and friends.

On Thursday of last week, Cookie and I attended the funeral of an 18 year old young man, killed in a one car accident. His grandparents are our friends, Edward and Ann Peeler and my heart breaks for their loss. Death is such a hard thing to process. You inevitably realize that death will come to all of us at our appointed time, but you think it will be when  you're 96 years of age, you're tired and ready to go home to be with Jesus and your family and friends, who are there already.

You don't understand the loss of infants, children, teens or young people. You just think that death comes to the elderly, not to the ones who are just beginning. However, this is not the case. Babies get cancer and die. Illness, accidents, unexplainable situations, take the young away. I know that there is a reason and one day the reason will be revealed. But, in the meantime, families are burying their young people and grieving over the loss of a life just beginning and a future that will never be. I read on FB this statement: "Our loved ones who are gone, are a part of our past and they leave behind sweet memories. However, if they are believers in Christ, they are also in our future. Each day we live, brings us closer to Heaven, closer to life eternal with Jesus and with our family and friends." Hallelujah.... Life Eternal with Jesus, who paid the ultimate price for our sins, Life Eternal in a Home, more beautiful than we can imagine. Life Eternal with our family and friends, reunited, never to be separated again.

So.... we move forward.

School days

School actually started for the district schools on Monday. Jon Mark and Amy's boys started K-4 at
Boiling Springs First Baptist. Kane and Tripp are in the same class and I know they are going to have such a good time together, just like Andy and Justin.

Meredith starts her Sophomore year at Upstate tomorrow. OMG.... I can't believe my baby girl will be a Sophomore in college. It seems just like yesterday that I took her to K-4 at BSFB. I am so proud of her, because she has kept up her grades and maintained a GPA of 3.9 and her scholarships have paid for her college. This year, the scholarship money even paid for her books. We went school supply shopping this week and she got everything she needed. She has her planner filled in with her schedule, her notebooks are ready and her bag is packed. Most of her friends are off at college, and they decorated their dorm rooms with all kinds of neat things. So, she bought a few things to decorate her room and she even worked on a few craft items to make her room different for her Sophomore year.

Father in Heaven.... I pray your protection on the students, teacher and staff, as they begin a new school year. It was posted on FB this afternoon that a Broome High School student collapsed from a medical issue and could not be revived. Lord.... this just breaks my heart. A mom sent her child to school today and her child didn't come home. Please, surround this family with your love. Give the family, friends and classmates comfort, give them peace. And Lord, please give them strength and guidance in the days ahead. AMEN

I really do need to post more often than I do, but nobody reads this anyway.

I will close with this.... Up to now, I have lost 67 pounds. I do feel better about the way I look, but health wise, I still feel like crap. Anyway, I'm praying I can lose about 40 more pounds and stay there.

I love and adore my precious family.... Ronnie and Meredith. Justin, Jordan and Phoenix.... my precious grand daughter. There is Sophia and Petey.... our fur babies, who make us laugh. Protect my family and my friends, and keep them safe.

Speaking of family.... We have a new member in the family. Kasen Dean Horne was born on July 26th to Amy and Dean and big brother, Kane. He is beautiful and of course.... precious.

Good night Mrs. Callabash.... Where ever you are. (Jimmy Durante)

Good day

Today was a good day. Ronnie left to go out of town and that's not good, but Meredith and I had lunch with Debbie and Emily Robinson. Emily is Meredith's BFF and her mom and I sing in the choir together and are good friends.

I don't get out much and it was really nice to go out to lunch like a grown up. We went to the Converse Deli and had salads. That's what you do when you go on a grown up lunch date, eat a salad. Don't get me wrong, I love salads and this was a great salad, but you can't eat like you're at home. You have to have table manners. place your napkins in your lap and no elbows on the table. Eat with your mouth closed and no bodily functions, burping, farting or blowing your nose.

There was a man at the table next to us, who had this ooey,gooey chocolate dessert. OMG, it looked wonderful. I'm not a big dessert eater, as a rule, but there is something about not being able to have something that makes you want it. I wanted to reach across the table, knock the man in the head and steal his dessert.

After we left the deli, we went to Barnes and Noble, Debbie had to pick up a book, and I had coffee and everyone else had cold drinks, like iced coffee, and a chocolate concoction. Again, I was good. We talked and laughed and had a really nice time. It was nice being a grown up for a day and going out.

Now, I'm home in my gown and drinking a nice cold coke zero. I can have this with no guilt, unless I believe all of the stories about sodas, which I don't. I'm a skeptic, especially when it comes to things I like. I'm not dead yet.