Old Crazy Bitch

I really don't know what to say. It's like things improve and then it's back to square one.

They are so very rude and critical. I've been told that I need to find more intelligent people to spend time with. Actually I spend more time with the pups than anybody else, but they are my biggest source of unconditional love and comfort. Whenever I am on the phone, no matter who I am speaking to or what the purpose is of the call, they are constantly asking who I'm talking to, making rude comments and actually timing my calls. They are definitely not a source of more intelligence, rudeness, but not intelligence.

They have to know and control everything in my life. My God, it's like being in a prison. Of course, I'm not allowed to spend money without reporting what the money is for, how much and do I really need it? Let's not even discuss Coke Zero or how much toilet paper I use. I quit asking for wipes, because I've been told to use a wash cloth, that's even been suggested in place of TP!! I need to stay on my diet, but I have cut down my daily consumption, because I have to stay within the grocery budget and get only things that everyone can eat, nothing special. I understand our having to be on a budget and I realize that it's my fault. I've struggled for years with numerous health issues, daddy tried, while he was still working, to get me to apply for my disability. In January of 2005, I had to finally leave. I filed later in 2005 and after 10 years, 2 court dates and, several appeals.... it was over. I was not eligible for my disability and denied the money that I had paid in for 32 years. We had a lot of debt (we won't go into all of that) and Ronnie was carrying the financial burden alone.

I stay at home.... I'm careful not to go many places and waste gas. I don't go shopping, actually I hate shopping, but I try not to spend money unnecessarily. I don't go to the grocery store alone and I have been forbidden to go to Dollar General. If I do come in with a bag.... "Does the leader know you went shopping or did he say you could go. What did you buy, why did you buy that and did you need that? We're on a budget.... we can't spend any money!"

In all fairness, they do look after me, take care of things and they are concerned for my health issues, but that does not give them the right to question everything.

I'm tired and I really lost control of my temper, a couple of weeks ago. I have a recliner and it's breaking down, because both of the dogs want to be in the chair with me.There is a pole lamp behind
the chair and a table beside the chair, with a lamp on it. When Pete decides to jump out of the chair, it starts to swing around on it's on and when my feet are elevated, it's hard to stop it. The pole lamp has tipped precariously to the side, but I can't stop. It happened one night and suddenly I was being screamed at, like a child. I lost it.... I screamed back, cursed horribly, pointed my finger and, of course my famous brow lift and clenched teeth were a given, along with a little bit of spittle. Finally after the tirade was over and I was exhausted, I left the house. I had to get out of there because I couldn't breathe. Before long a phone call was made to the leader and then I received a call. I told the leader off and hung up. Why do they push me? They know when the line is crossed, I'm gonna lose it and scream like a crazy person, which is exactly what they say I am. Crazy, Old and Demented.... totally losing brain cells and will probably be a babbling idiot in no time. My God, really? Oh, and let's not forget my computer. My computer time is recorded and I must always move my computer back to my desk in the front of the house and not leave it in the den. I have gone to the bathroom before and the damned thing has been moved.

They feign innocence, with the pretense of "We're playing!" If I try to ignore them and not say anything at all, then I'm bombarded with "Are you mad or are you alright?" Well, what the hell do they think?

I do admit, I am a bitch, not all of the time, but I can be. I know I am crazy, not certified, but I probably could be. I don't feel good.... ever and with all of the health issues going on, it makes me not so pleasant or there again, a bitch. They must realize that they have their own problems too and I do try to live with and accept them. I try not to bother or aggravate or pick on them. I try to be understanding.... I am not perfect and I make mistakes, I realize that, but I really do try. I do love them with all of my heart. I am thankful to God for my family, but sometimes they hurt me.... playing or not.

Sometimes, it can be good and comfortable and fun, but in no time, that can be spoiled by a little remark or criticism and God forbid if I retaliate.... I am a horrible woman.... a bitch.... a crazy, old bitch. I've heard it all.

Sometimes.... It makes me sad, very sad.

Head-On

I can honestly say, that there have been some changes in the dynamics of the situation. Being one to face a challenge head-on and never one to keep things to myself.... I made my stand clear and I have been heard.

There are many things to consider and one must come to realize, that so many things can play a big part in bringing about change.

I'm not really so worried about the future of this particular situation, I met the challenge head-on and even threw out an ultimatum or two, myself. I do matter, my opinion is important and I will not go quietly or without a fight.

With this being said.... We will continue to pray. We will continue to give and take and work harder. Anything worth having, is worth working for.