Saturday, October 8, 2016

I'm Just Not There Yet....

You've heard the old saying.... "There's nothing like family." There's nothing like family to....

Be jealous, talk behind your back, tell lies, manipulate you, take from you, use you and make a fool of you.

When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be happy and be with my family. There were things that hurt me, things that I didn't understand, but I loved my family and I was happy when I was with them.

In a previous post, I talked about things in my younger years, that were very painful. The physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother, because I thought I wasn't good enough. Sometimes I really thought I deserved the beatings and then there were times, when I knew that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault, but I didn't know what I could do to change things.

There were times, that my sister was responsible for some of the beatings. She would get mad at me and tell lies and mama would beat me. As far back as Mark and I can remember, we were conditioned to believe that Cookie was fragile and that she needed to be treated delicately and much different than we were. When Cookie turned 12 years old, she changed. Suddenly, she thought Mark and I were obnoxious and she didn't want anything to do with us. She made cheerleader and suddenly she was very popular and too good to help around the house anymore.

The last beating and possibly the worst, was when David quit the football team and suddenly Cookie was without a sponsor for Homecoming Queen. Mama came home, walked in the door, slapped me hard across the face and when I fell, she kicked and kicked me and I finally got up and she had a knife in my face (I had been peeling potatoes for supper). I cleaned the kitchen, I cleaned the house and did the laundry and worked. Cookie was dating 4 or 5 boys at the same time and came and went as she pleased, she was head cheerleader her senior year, she was popular and she was fragile.

Moving ahead through years of mama and daddy always coming to her rescue, bailing her out time after time, until this past Sunday. Quite a leap through the years of lies and bullshit....

Because of Cookie's mental and emotional problems, being misdiagnosed, break downs, misuse of meds and being over medicated.... she and Casey are not on the best of terms, and that's putting it mildly. Cookie would call me 2 or 3 times a day, telling me that Casey and Jott were refusing to let her see Dax and Marlee and basically telling her she wasn't allowed to spend time with them.

Always telling me that Casey was hateful and hurtful and because I know that Casey can be very blunt and outspoken and because for some reason, I never thought that Cookie would lie to me about something so important, I believed her.

Well she was lying.... she was using me, manipulating me and she has betrayed me. Last Sunday, she came to my door, ringing my bell, like the world was on fire. She walked in, barefoot, and told me that she has been removed from her family, namely Casey and Jott. She told me I had betrayed her by telling Casey that she had gone to the hospital with an anxiety attack. Why shouldn't Casey know?
No matter what problems they may be having, Casey still should know what's going on with her mama, she worries about her.

Well.... wrapping this up, she walked out. We haven't spoken, except she did have Phil call me to ask me to call her, she's sorry. I'm not angry.... I'm not hurt.... I'm just not there yet.

No more lies, no more using me, no more making a fool of me.

I'm through....

Thursday, August 4, 2016

No closer to the goal....

No weight loss.... even though Dr. Tuttle did tell Meredith and me that he was going to change the dosage on my thyroid medicine, he did not change it. Of course he is in daddy mode since his first child "Luke" is due anytime. The Plexus is a freakin joke.... I have started walking, in fact I walked across the yard on Tuesday afternoon, almost to Tommy and Marcia's. The mail lady left a piece of our mail in their box, so I decided to walk up. I might have made it, but it was so hot. Even with Meredith coming to pick me up, I still walked more.

While I was there, I asked Tommy if I could visit with Marcia. She is still beautiful, her hair is longer and white. She moved her mouth when I told her who I was, and she looked at me. God.... it is so heartbreaking to see this once busy, energetic wife, mother and grandmother, Lost In Her Mind!! How horrible, and my heart breaks for Tommy, who has loved her since she was 13 years old, as he feeds her and tends to her and loves her still.

There is something that is bothering me.... A couple of Sundays ago, DJ was talking about some of the changes that the Mill has been through, since March. Bucky leaves for Uganda, Kevin resigns and leaves because his wife was having an affair (they are working through it).... Brian resigns and leaves the ministry and his wife, and goes into Real Estate, not sure what the deal is here. Jeff Brocklemen comes in rather quickly, and takes Brian's place and begins to implement lots and lots of changes. Joel resigns and is moving to Chicago to be a church "planter,"  Jill Morris resigns as Children's Director and goes into business with Donna Loudermilk, Hub City Runners. Running and exercise groups and sports wear. Then.... DJ sort of dropped a bomb! He has been thinking about leaving too, in fact he had been talking to another church and was about to take their offer, when Joel handed in his resignation. A visiting couple behind Meredith, got up to leave, and the woman said," I don't think we need to be here, everybody is leaving, even the pastor!" Now why would the Senior Pastor bring that up in a Sunday service, knowing visitors were present? Another thing.... why would he want to leave when we are beginning another building phase?
We received a letter this week from the children's department, and Stacy Butler has resigned also! There was a rumor when Brian left, that she and Brian were caught in a compromising situation, upstairs in the children's wing. Just like there was a rumor that Lisa Smith and Brain were too close and now she is singing in Ignite. Rumors.... Gossip with nothing to substantiate it. Gee whiz.... crap like this makes you want to strangle the gossipers with their own tongues. More about the changes and Jeff next time.

Things around here are about the same.... smart attitudes, looks, criticisms and of course with my being no closer to the goal....

I am thankful that my God in Heaven is still with me.... helping me with my language and my temper.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

We always need you Lord....

Well.... There was quite an incident on the 4th. A bit scary, actually it was more than a little scary to Ronnie and Meredith.

After the comment on the 3rd about weight loss, I chose not to eat as much. We went out and swam in the pool and then got into the hot tub. My head had been hurting and I was starting to get too hot. I told Ronnie that it was hot and I leaned forward to stand up.... BLACKNESS

Not sure how much time elapsed but when I came around, I had an ear full of water and I was lying face down on the deck, next to the hot tub. Ronnie and Meredith were really relieved and a bit shaken up. It seems that in the beginning, they thought I was playing, but then they realized that something was wrong and then they panicked.... I was lifeless. I'm not sure if I was breathing or not, but they were scared, they thought I WAS DEAD!!

Things are still not clear, but they think that I got too hot and that my blood sugar had dropped, on top of that. They kept asking me random questions, I'm not sure if I answered them right or not. They have really been a bit nicer, but they still have the attitudes and Meredith is more and more argumentative every day.

They are leaving Thursday for a service call to Virginia and will be home Friday. Since Ronnie and I will be gone for 9 days in September, this will be a good trip for them. Meredith went to TN in June on choir tour, but she hasn't been anywhere really for vacation.

Lord.... I love my family and I want everyone to be happy and to get along. I pray for their safety, please protect them. Justin still hasn't had a good job offer, but he will keep trying, he is not happy where he is. I pray Father that you will lead him in the direction that he needs to go  and help him make the right decision. Meredith goes back to school, August 8th.... with the teachers. Help her to have a successful year, she is only a little less than a full point from a 4.0 GPA and graduating Magna Cum Laude. She has worked so hard for this and I pray Lord that you will direct her and keep her focused.

Continue to bless us Heavenly Father, in spite of our failures. Help us all to draw closer to you and to one another.

Thank you, Lord.
Help us to stay on course and.... NEVER GIVE UP.

WE LOVE YOU LORD.... WE PRAISE YOU....

Never Giving Up

Well.... There was quite an incident on the 4th. A bit scary, actually it was more than a little scary to Ronnie and Meredith.

After the comment on the 3rd about weight loss, I chose not to eat as much. We went out and swam in the pool and then got into the hot tub. My head had been hurting and I was starting to get too hot. I told Ronnie that it was hot and I leaned forward to stand up.... BLACKNESS

Not sure how much time elapsed but when I came around, I had an ear full of water and I was lying face down on the deck, next to the hot tub. Ronnie and Meredith were really relieved and a bit shaken up. It seems that in the beginning, they thought I was playing, but then they realized that something was wrong and then they panicked.... I was lifeless. I'm not sure if I was breathing or not, but they were scared, they thought I WAS DEAD!!

Things are still not clear, but they think that I got too hot and that my blood sugar had dropped, on top of that. They kept asking me random questions, I'm not sure if I answered them right or not. They have really been a bit nicer, but they still have the attitudes and Meredith is more and more argumentative every day.

They are leaving Thursday for a service call to Virginia and will be home Friday. Since Ronnie and I will be gone for 9 days in September, this will be a good trip for them. Meredith went to TN in June on choir tour, but she hasn't been anywhere really for vacation.

Lord.... I love my family and I want everyone to be happy and to get along. I pray for their safety, please protect them. Justin still hasn't had a good job offer, but he will keep trying, he is not happy where he is. I pray Father that you will lead him in the direction that he needs to go  and help him make the right decision. Meredith goes back to school, August 8th.... with the teachers. Help her to have a successful year, she is only a little less than a full point from a 4.0 GPA and graduating Magna Cum Laude. She has worked so hard for this and I pray Lord that you will direct her and keep her focused.

Continue to bless us Heavenly Father, in spite of our failures. Help us all to draw closer to you and to one another.

Thank you, Lord.
Help us to stay on course and.... NEVER GIVE UP.

WE LOVE YOU LORD.... WE PRAISE YOU....

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Okay....


This is the 4th of July weekend.... I think I posted in the previous post that I have started Plexis Slim. So many people have been taking Plexis and are losing weight and have so much energy. I need to also watch my carbs to go along with Plexis, my body does not metabolize carbs.

Having said that.... I cannot do any shopping, so I have to rely on what is on sale and what is brought home. Most of the time, if I want anything "special" I may ask or even text a list, but that is certainly up to the "powers that be," as to whether I get it or not.

Now.... today, we had holiday food, meatloaf, potato salad, baked beans, cole slaw and Meredith made her dad cupcakes. I had a small container of meatloaf and potato salad left over from lunch, so I added a little more, plus beans and warmed it up. I can eat my food in layers, it's a Parris thing, and Ronnie became upset, said it was an insult to the cook. They were giving each other the "look." I'm eating and right in the middle of dinner, they start asking me, how much have I lost? Really?

I've been telling them that I need to watch my carbs, but they keep saying " eat what you want, portion control." Then there's the exercise.... I went back to Dr. Josh on Thursday, my hips were 1.5 inches out. I haven't been able to walk with out a pronounced limp and with excruciating pain, and they want me to exercise!!

I'm so sick of this.... I get my first SS check at the end of the month, but I'm not waiting until then. I will go to the store and get some of the things I need for low carb and I will pay him back.

God in Heaven.... I need you. I need your help. I don't want there to be tension, but they cannot continue to hurt me and upset me. I want to lose the weight they want me to lose, I want to be able to walk and have the energy to walk. I want our 25th to be special and not like a couple of trips, that didn't go so well.

Please God?

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

GOD'S DIRECTION

Praise the Lord most high.... for His love, His faithfulness and His mercy. I thank Him for hearing my prayers.

A few weeks back, I asked the Lord to stop me from saying things that are ugly, in other words, to keep from cursing. I cannot give in to the anger that seems to overtake me, everything becomes black
and horrible words just come spewing out of my mouth like a poison and my head hurts and I cannot breathe because my heart is beating so fast, that it takes my breath away.

"Lord, Please help me. I can't let that darkness come over me. Please help me." It will be a constant work in progress because my temper is horrible, but I trust in my Lord.

The Lord knows what's happening, He knows the battle that I am fighting every day. I talk to Him constantly because He listens, He cares and He will help me.

There is a battle of constant PAIN.... every movement is pure torture at times. Even the little things are almost impossible. I fight a battle of guilt. I cannot do a lot in the way of being supportive and helping out at home and there is frustration on both sides and resentment. The biggest battle is....
the battle of being a part of the family unit.

The way things are now.... I do not have any say on anything that goes on here. Anything I say is ignored. Even when I speak, I get these looks of "how dare you speak, we make the decisions in this house, not you." Ronnie is either indifferent or accusatory. He ignores me, or he tells me that he doesn't care what I am saying. Meredith is a HORRIBLE BITCH.... and the looks she gives me, as if she could actually kill me.

Please forgive me, oh God....but, there are times that I HATE THEM BOTH!! They are cruel and critical. They deliberately say or do things to hurt me or make me angry. They know that I could have a stroke or a heart attack, if I lose it and sometimes I wonder if that's their intentions.

Lord.... I am giving it all to you. You are my only friend, there is nobody else.

Our 25th is coming up in September and their goal for me is to lose 50 pounds and to be able to walk a mile or two, and I need to do that. However, when they fix meals, they have no concern about what is prepared. I cannot go shopping to get some special things for me to eat.... and if I make a list, they leave off some of the things I want.

I am so tired.... but I WILL NOT GIVE UP OR GIVE IN!!

Keep me focused on you, Jesus. Help me find my quiet time and read more of your word. I'm giving you my weight, my physical activity and my pain. Show me how and what to do.... HELP ME JESUS.... PLEASE HELP ME.

Monday, June 6, 2016

Lots and Lots of changes

I do not know where to begin. Much has happened since my last post.

Things are some better around here, still an occasional attitude and smart remark, and there are times
that it still bothers me, but I have let God help me with my feelings.

Meredith took her Praxis II and she found out on Friday of this past week, that she passed!! She also found out that she is on the Chancellor's List again. She was so thrilled and now she is waiting for her score on the last test she took. If all goes according to plan,she will student teach at Carlisle in the Fall and graduate with honors in December. We are so proud of her, she has worked so very hard for this. Praying that she will be permanently placed at Carlisle.

We have had some major changes take place at The Mill. Kevin Harrison (Chief) resigned as Associate Pastor and he and his family have left the Mill. It seems that Susan was having an affair with Kevin's sister's husband, and Chief, being the wonderful, Godly man that he is.... he forgave her and they are getting counselling to work things out.

We now have a new Worship Pastor.... Jeff Brockleman from Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX. He, his wife Shelly and younger daughter, Tia have moved to SC. Their older daughter, Torie and her husband are leading worship in Chicago. Their only son Tyler lives in California and leads worship there. They are a Godly family and so talented. Our former Worship Pastor Brian Hurry, resigned, saying that he had some issues in his marriage to work through and he needed to make a change. We found out last night that Brian and Kim are separated and he has moved out.

Dear Lord.... what is happening??   I am so sad and heartbroken for my friends and I pray Father that they will seek your guidance and allow you to work in their marriages.

I'm gonna close for now and go to bed in a bit. Meredith is on Choir tour this next week in TN and Ronnie is leaving in the morning for KY, it will just be just me and the furry babies.

Until next time////