Thursday, December 31, 2015

2016.... You have to be better than last year....

It's 8 minutes past nine o'clock on New Year's Eve. In about 3 hours we will begin a new year.... 2016.

If I were to really think about time, it could be depressing and a little scary. But, I'm just glad to still be here. I am so thankful for the Lord's blessings.... my family and friends, my precious fur babies, a beautiful home, a really nice car. Food and clothing and the awesome way He provided for us, even when I did not get my disability. He knows, it's in His plan. I can apply for early retirement and began to receive social security benefits, and of course that will be a big help. So.... I trust the Lord. I may not understand His timing, but He will provide.

Christmas 2015 was awesome. My family came on the 19th, with the exception of Justin and Jordan, and Casey and Jott. All of the kids had a ball and we just enjoyed watching them. On Christmas Eve, the Walls came, with the exception of John, Roberta and Cass. Roberta has alzheimers, and even though she has been on a new med that has kept the progression of the disease to a slower pace, when it finally stops working, she then progresses to the stage that she would already be. It's sad, knowing that Christmas 2014, will probably be the last time we see her.

Also, Pudge is in the CCU at Regional, but we don't know anything that is going on. All of this time, we were under the impression that his not keeping in touch with us, was Casey's decision. However, we have found out that it's his decision. Looking back, I should have realized it, because he never returned phone messages or text messages but I just couldn't believe it. We have been through so much, good and bad, over the last 41 years. I was shocked and very angry that he would just throw all of that time away, but whatever. He never stood up for himself and when the divorce was finalized, he chose to stay in the past, grieving over his loss, and not making any effort to move on. I know for a fact that it's not easy, but you have to go forward, to move on with your life.

A week or so before Christmas, my cousin Deana, text me and said that she and the kids were packed up and coming this way, could they stay here with us for a few days? I already knew that this was going to cause a big problem, but Ronnie was trying to be so caring, because she and Jeff are separated, and he knows that they were going through so much, and probably needed a break.

I won't go into much detail, because quite frankly, I am still reeling from her visit, and believe you me, my home will never be open to her ever again. First of all, it's about a 4.5 hour trip and they left at 1:00pm, or so. After several phone calls to get them back on the right road (they have a GPS), they came rolling in about 9:30pm. When she finally got out of the car, she looked like some wild woman, with her red hair all frizzy and sticking out all over her head.

For 2.5 days.... Ronnie prepared 3 meals a day and Meredith cleaned. She also picked up behind the 3 of them and did their laundry!! Who the hell goes to someone's house to visit and has the host do their laundry and wait on them hand and foot? They ate our food and snacks and drank our soft drinks, when all of the time they had their own stash in their room!! Deana has a yeast infection and everywhere she walked or sat, there was powder everywhere!!

Here's the kicker.... she talked non-stop, without a breath, the entire time she was here. We couldn't follow anything she was talking about, because she was talking about people we didn't know and she relived every conversation she had ever had with these people. She would be talking, and suddenly she would drop down to a whisper, as if someone was going to overhear what she was saying. She even fell asleep right in the middle of one of her stories, but her mouth was open and she was still moving her lips. OMG.... we all kept counting down the hours until they would leave.

While they were here, she opened and rummaged through the closet in Justin's old room and in mama's bathroom. Then she would call the kids to the side and whisper. We found out the reason, after they left.... Meredith's little gold plated, engraved birthstone bracelet, that my mama gave her, is missing. It's not the monetary value, but the sentimental value and just the principal of the thing.

People drive me up the wall, even my own family at times, but for someone to invite themselves into your home, eat you out of house and home, take advantage of your hospitality and then steal from you.... NEVER EVER AGAIN!! Not no, but HELL NO!! I'm finished.

2016.... has to be a better year....

Friday, December 11, 2015

Tis the Season

We're just a few days away from Christmas 2015. It seems like only yesterday that we were anticipating Christmas 2014.

Physically, this year has been so difficult. I have been so sick from the pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia, that I haven't felt well enough to go anywhere. I have not been able to go to  church for so many weeks, that I'm not even in the choir. Since Thanksgiving, I have had asthmatic bronchitis and have pulled another muscle in my tummy, coughing so violently. Unfortunately, the outcome is similar to before, but not as serious. I did have my Pro-time checked, and the count is great (3.1), but I need to keep a watch on the bruising. I am so exhausted.

On the upside.... I have been able to go with Ronnie on two out of town service calls. The first trip, we went to Tennessee, Indiana, Ohio and Kentucky. While in Kentucky, we were able to have dinner with my dear friend, Pam. This past week, we went to Virginia, you know, the state "for lovers." We had such a wonderful time, both trips. It was very relaxing.... I missed Meredith and the babies, but it was great. I hope to be able to do that more often.

Also, Meredith finished up her final exam on Thursday, and she is now officially a college Senior!! Her professors have commented on what an excellent student she is, and that she is a natural teacher. We are so proud of her accomplishments, and the fact that she is a wonderful young woman.

Lord, I give you the praise and the glory for all that you have blessed us with. I pray for your protection, over us all, and for your guidance. Forgive me Lord for my failures and continue to lead me in the way you want me to go.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes....

It's 12:30am Thanksgiving morning and I'm sitting here waiting for my
meds to kick in and watching my favorite movie.... "My Cousin Vinny."

Yesterday I worked in my "office" and actually made a little progress
getting things put in their place. We moved my desk a few weeks back,
out of the front of the house and put it in Meredith's old room. Ronnie
didn't like the way it looked. The front room looks very inviting now
and I will have my own little space to keep the way I want.

Ronnie decided to sell his trains and some of his cars. A guy came this
morning and bought some of his cars. I'm not sure how much he got,
but the first thing he did was, tear his train set down and then went to
Lowe's and bought some wood, to build work benches and make his
hobby room bigger. Of course he and money are soon parted, and it's
always spent on whatever he wants to spend it on. We have to stick
to the budget, and we better not go and buy anything. He actually
complained about ordering Meredith's college ring. Bless her heart,
she works like a damn dog and she offered to pay for half of the cost
of the ring!! OMG!! She did shop around on the internet and found
the ring for much less than she would have had to pay through the
school. That's the way Meredith does things anyway, she shops around
for bargains. No matter what, she's got his back.

I was so pissed, because it's always money. He even gripes, because of
the cost of my meds.... asshole. I have tried very hard not to say anything
that will cause a fuss, because they bitch and gripe enough as it is. But,
I took $40 dollars out of his wallet, and this may come back to bite me in
the ass. I'm sure there will surely be a big blow out, but I don't care.
 I've been needing some Sunday shoes for a good while. I have been wearing
Meredith's Danskos for a couple of years, but she wants them back to wear
when she starts teaching, so I'm going to go and buy me some fucking shoes.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015


It's very late and I may not post everything I would like to say, but here we go....

Things are very confusing at times. There have been times when there are no little smart remarks or rumblings and we actually get along. Then of course.... things go back to normal or abnormal, depends on how you look at it.

Because I have gained 30 pounds, since last year's 68 pound loss, the topic of every day is.... losing weight, cutting down portions and exercising. Every days it's.... "You need to cut back your portions."  "You need to get up and walk or, do some kind of exercise." Oh, I agree, but they know as well as I do that, my thyroid dosage was lowered, and that always leads to weight gain. Dr Tuttle even apologized for not listening to me.

For now, I'll end with the things they say or do.... I'm hurt, but mostly I'm angry!!

"We don't really care."
"We live with an old person."
"You don't need a second helping."
"It doesn't matter if we eat cookies and chips in front of you."
"You will have to eat what we eat, just smaller portions. We're not cooking anything different for you."

And the ultimate slap in the face....
When Ronnie is traveling and he calls me on Face Time.... He looks into the camera and actually blows out his cheeks to make his face bigger, mocking me, and never paying attention to what I'm even saying.

He's in Georgia tonight, and he was blowing out his cheeks while I was trying to talk to him, it really pisses me off. I'm suppose to call him at 8:30 to wake him up,,,, bullshit, he can get his self up.

I'm very tired.... So so tired.

Friday, September 18, 2015


I posted on FB.... "Have you ever had one of those days, that leads into one of those weeks, that
seems to be leading into the weekend and into another week?" Well by golly.... I have!!

There are still the snippy little comments and their reply is "I was just kidding!" Okay, I was saying the other night at dinner, that happy people live longer, and Meredith looked at her dad and said.... "I guess you had better pray for her to die!" She was kidding? Seriously?

Then there are the same old tired comments, the little looks and the smirks. I have more of these remarks posted on my phones, but it's charging, so I'm posting this from memory. I just don't get it. I know that I can be annoying and bitchy.... I am so sorry, but give me a break. Meredith is forever complaining about my swallowing too loudly. I looked this up, and there is a actually a problem that happens between the ages of 10 and 12 years old, where a person is more sensitive to people chewing and swallowing. That's in my phone too, I guess I will make corrections later.

My knees hurt so badly.... I am so tired and I have been having times when my eyes begin to feel strangely, my vision blurs a little and, my left eye droops, for a few seconds and then I feel dizzy. This all passes, with the exception of the knee pain, in a brief few minutes, so pardon me if I'm not always in a good mood.

Well.... to add insult to injury.... we had an incident to happen with the neighbors. For whatever reason, Mindy decided to buy another dog, a 2 year old chihuahua/terrier mix. Now why in the world do they need another dog? Poor Tater is locked in the laundry room, they allowed poor little Duke to die of dehydration and sun exposer, and Chief ran off and was killed by a car. Not exactly a great track record when it comes to pets, but now we have Cam.

Parker has always been challenging in fact he needs a good ass whipping and sent to his room, with the exception of meals and bathroom breaks and school attendance. No tv, no football, absolutely no activities with the exception of chores.

Parker picks on Petey all of the time. He will call Pete into the fence at the patio, locks the gate and then teases him. He takes things away from Pete and makes Pete chase after him. Poor baby, he thinks Parker is playing with him, instead of being a little ass. Pete is a big baby, and would never deliberately hurt anybody. Pete and Parker have rolled around on the ground, and Pete being a male,  would always try and hump Parker. We kept telling Parker not to roll around on the ground or put himself in a position for Pete to hump, but one day, Parker didn't listen, which is the norm for him, and Pete scratched him. So we had Pete neutered and he doesn't hump anymore, but they are always calling Pete next door and Parker picks on him.

On Sunday, Parker was walking Cam up and down the road and Pete ran down to play with Parker and Cam. The rest of the story is hearsay.... Pete supposedly jumped Parker and was trying to get to Cam. Parker started screaming and kicking Pete. Jeff ran and started kicking Pete and hitting him and pulled Pete off of Parker. Apparently the situation was so loud, that the neighbor across the woods came to investigate. When I opened the door to call Pete and So in, Jeff was standing on my porch and he told me to get Pete or he was going to kill him. He said that Pete had jumped Parker and scratched him really badly under his arm and all down his side and he had a busted lip. I apologized and brought Pete inside.

A few minutes later, Jeff came back and apologized for being rude, and I told him that I certainly understood his being upset and I'm sure Pete wasn't trying to hurt Parker, he was just wanting to play, and I believe this. If Pete were vicious, he would have hurt or killed Sophia.... we would never trust him with Phoenix.... and as badly as it hurts to say.... he would not still be here. He could have badly hurt Parker on many occasions, but Pete IS NOT VICIOUS!! While Jeff and I were still talking, Parker walked in with no shirt on. I asked him to let me see how badly he was hurt.... he turned and raised his arm. OMG!! OMG!! There were two very tiny scratches under his arm and there was a little place on his lip, you could barely see it. Those tiny scratches could not have been made by Pete and they actually did not look recent, there was very little bleeding. I honestly think that Parker started yelling at Pete and kicking him and Cam scratched him trying to climb up on his shoulder. JEFF LIED TO MY FACE IN MY HOUSE!! This was blown out of proportion and as usual Pete gets the blame. Even though Ronnie has repeatedly told Parker to leave Pete alone and we have asked him not to run or roll around with Pete, HE DOES NOT LISTEN!!

Mindy called on Monday and said that Meredith had been very rude to her, when she came over to get Pete, AFTER THEY CALLED HIM OVER!! Actually she ignored Mindy and told Pete for them to get home before he gets in trouble again. Jeff told Justin that he was upset because Ronnie had not called and apologized.... what is he.... a girl? Jeff also told Justin that if we don't keep Pete up and there is another incident.... they are going to call animal control. ANIMAL CONTROL.... will not give us a warning, Pete is a Pit and there is an incident involving a child.... THEY WILL PUT MY BABY DOWN!! He is not vicious.... he is not aggressive.... he is a big baby and he just wanted to play.

Well.... I am finished with them and all of their drama and Mindy always making trouble!! I have been letting the pups out during the day when Parker is in school, but let them out on the patio until they all go back inside. It's getting cooler, so pretty soon, we will not see them at all. They can stay in their yard and we will stay here in ours. I do not intent to play nice and smile and play pat-a-cake and kissy ass.... oh hell no.... they better just stay home.

I've got news for them.... the land they travel on to get to their home, is mine!! I have granted them ingress and egress into their property and I can make it very difficult for them to get home!! Don't push me.... don't threaten me or mine.... stay the hell away from here and we will do the same.

Oh yeah.... Ronnie did call Jeff and they talked. Ronnie got the impression that what I say happened, actually did happen, and that Parker is blowing everything out of proportion. He hasn't actually said everything that was discussed, but it doesn't matter to me.... I do not want any harm to come to them and I will still pray for them.... but I AM THROUGH....

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

New Relationships

I'm not sure what the title of this page should be. Through the loss of my dear friend, Wendell.... I was able to connect with two of his sons, Kent and Jesse and his wife, Melissa.

It's strange though.... I had no idea that Wendell had a FB page, we could have been able to communicate more. Kent accepted my friend request almost immediately, and I was able to put a face to the name. He looks so much like his dad, only he is a bigger man. Maybe we can connect in some way. Haven't heard from Melissa or Jesse, but I think Jesse will be the one to have the hardest time. Wendell was so proud of Jesse, and so in love. He had his daddy's heart.

I was able to see a picture of Melissa and to see an up-dated picture of Jesse. He is a very nice looking young man, he has dark hair and dark eyes, not Wendell's coloring, but he has his look.

I have a copy of Wendell's obituary and some pictures from Kent's FB page. The oldest picture of Wendell was the Wendell I remember and the man I will always remember. He was always so sure of himself, like my Ronnie. The second picture was of Wendell, Jesse and Kent, they were standing in front of a mantle that was decorated with candles and flowers, some type of ceremony or celebration. The third picture really hurts my heart. It's a more recent picture of Wendell and Jesse, and you can see how ill Wendell was.

We have our hope planted firmly in Jesus Christ, and we know that our loved ones, who are children of the King, have been changed. There is "no more night, no more pain," and we will one day be reunited.

Praise the Lord....

Monday, August 31, 2015

My Freind Wendell

This afternoon, I received a call that I have dreaded. Melissa called to tell me that Wendell had passed away.

Wendell and I first met in 1970 at my daddy's garage on Asheville Highway. I started working there during the summers to help daddy out and, as I found out later, to keep me out of trouble. I was standing in the office, looking out of the window that looked out into the shop. I saw a big man, with a not so friendly face, walking across the shop. He jerked open the office door and said in a surly voice.... "Where's Johnny?" I turned around and glared at him and snapped.... "Out in the shop!" He shut the door and it suddenly dawned on me.... that was Wendell Wiggins. Suddenly the door opened and the man stuck his head in the door and said.... "You're Johnny's daughter." I replied.... "You're Wendell Wiggins." He smiled and it was love at first sight.

I had been hearing about Wendell Wiggins for several months, and I knew that he was quite a character. After that chance meeting in the office at Superior Diesel .... I found out, he was! He had the most amazing laugh and his face would light up when he laughed. His eyes were icy blue, his voice was quiet, but when he spoke, you listened.

Even though there was a 17 year age difference, we had a special bond. He was so intelligent, and he loved to read, one of the many things we had in common. Driving a truck had allowed Wendell to see so many different places and meet lots of interesting people. I always loved to hear my daddy, Pa and my uncles, tell the most hilarious "truck driving" stories, and Wendell loved telling "truck driving" stories too. Wendell always had a story, he was very opinionated and he loved to experience life. He actually moved to Australia for a year, to drive a truck! He also loved his boys.... Kent, Greg and Bo. Bo passed away many years later and he had recently told me that he and Greg were not on good terms. In later years, he married his 2nd wife, Melissa and they have a son, Jesse. This son, born in Wendell's later years, was the apple of his eye. Jesse was born with a nub for one of  his lower legs and was eventually fitted with a prosthetic leg. As Wendell would say, Jesse never missed a step, he played basketball and whatever he set out to do, he accomplished. Wendell was so proud.

I could always make Wendell laugh, and I did so quite often, because I loved his laugh. He always made me laugh too, with all of his stories. I really think Wendell had a great deal of love and respect for me, even though I was just a kid. He said that I was a very smart young lady and he was amazed at how I could carry on an adult, intelligent conversation, but still have that little girl smile and that twinkle of mischief in my eyes.

He loved to take pictures and he always took pictures of me while we were talking. He said it helped him to remember my face and my smile. He could be so sweet like that.

Over the years life happened, and we lost contact with one another. I knew in my heart that our bond of friendship would always hold fast and that one day we would reconnect.

I never gave up on finding him and one day we did find each other again. It was just as I had thought, nothing had changed. Well, maybe a few things, but he was my Wendell, my friend. About 5 years ago, Meredith and I went to Alabama with Ronnie on a service call and he took me to see Wendell. I wanted two of the favorite men in my life to finally meet. We met at a restaurant and as we pulled into the parking place, I saw Wendell getting out of his car. My heart was beating so fast, I was so excited. He saw me and he smiled that smile. He was smaller and a little older, but he spoke, we embraced, and the years fell away.... this was my good friend.

Melissa told me that Wendell had a stroke over the weekend, and there was so much bleeding, there was nothing else they could do. She said that they had taken him off of the ventilator and she and Kent and Jesse stayed with him.  He left this world and walked into the arms of Jesus, at 4:56pm on this day.... Sunday, August 30, 2015. My heart is heavy, I'm so sad.... my thoughts and prayers are with Melissa and his sons, and I pray that the Lord will comfort them and give them peace. Wendell was the kind of man, that when you met him, you would never forget him.

I will never forget him.... his smile, his laugh, our talks. He treated me with respect and he never once made me feel like I was not enough, smart enough.... pretty enough.... good enough. To him.... I was just enough. I can't travel to AL and Melissa understood this, she told me that Wendell would have wanted her to call me, he would want me to know. One day, if the Lord tarries His return, He will lead me into Heaven. I will see the beautiful faces of my family and the wonders and beauty of Heaven.  Suddenly, I will hear this familiar voice saying.... "you're Johnny's daughter," and I'll look around and reply.... " you're Wendell Wiggins."  He will smile that smile, we will hug and it will be as if nothing had ever changed.

I love you.... Wendell O'Neal Wiggins. You taught me so many things, you made me feel special, you made me laugh and today.... I cried.

Saturday, July 4, 2015

Enjoying family time....

Happy 4th of July.... Just checking in because I changed some things on my blog page. Nobody reads this anyway, but me.

The weather is much cooler, cloudy, but we can swim. For some reason, as long as it's not Arctic, I can get in. I love, love, love to just float around on my noodle. The best way to swim is naked, but we have a little guy next door that may pop in, and I wouldn't want to scare him.

Enjoying our usual 4th meal.... hash, baked beans, potato salad, cantaloupe and watermelon.... and it's just the 3 of us. Justin, Jordan and Phoenix may come tomorrow afternoon to swim.

Praying for our country,  America the beautiful, from sea to shining sea. We need more of your grace and mercy, Heavenly Father. We are blessed beyond measure, but we take it for granted. There are others who are trying so hard to take it away, and we are standing by in our complacency, and letting them get away with it.

Thank you Lord for your blessings, your grace and mercy. Help us to look to You Father, for guidance, make us aware of your Holy Presence and lead us.

I am thankful and blessed.... in good times and bad.... I Praise You Lord of Heaven.

Friday, July 3, 2015

I'm Still Here

Thank you Heavenly Father.... I'm still here.

Of course each day is an adjustment, one step forward, two steps back. Most days are worse
than others, and it will always be a work in progress.

However, by the grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father.... I am blessed and I'm still here.

Tomorrow is the celebration of our country's independence. In the last few months, our country has suffered many set backs. Useless violence, murders and rioting in the streets.... Oh my God it sounds like Iraq. Last week, 9 precious people were gunned down during Wednesday night services in their church in uptown Charleston, SC, by a 21 year old young man, who said he wanted to start another civil war. Again, the question of removing the confederate flag from the SC state capitol grounds, is in the news. It is being suggested that the flag be moved to the Confederate Relic Room and placed on display. When the confederate flag was first moved from the Capitol building to the grounds.... I was upset, because this was part of our Southern heritage. However, this flag stood for slavery.... for the cruel treatment of one race of people by another race of people. It's time to move it and try and heal the wounds of our state.

I am proud to be an American from the state of South Carolina. I am proud that even though our state is in pain from the senseless murders in Charleston, any disagreements have been peaceful, and thank the Lord, no rioting in the streets. But.... our state needs you Lord.... our nation needs you. Be with our citizens, keep us safe.... free us from the hate and violence that holds our people hostage, and give us love and peace.

Happy Birthday America
God Bless America

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Four years ago....

Four years ago today, I went in to wake mama for breakfast, and Jesus had come to take her home, to be with Him and to see daddy.

It's still so very hard to talk about that day. I know that her home going was something that mama had been praying for, she was tired, sick and missing my daddy. She felt that she was a burden to us and nobody ever came to see her.

I still remember my face was numb, something that happens when I'm in shock, I kept calling her.... "mama? mama?" I told Meredith to go and get her daddy, she was right behind me, and I could hear her crying as she ran down the hall. I touched mama, she was warm, so she hadn't been gone long. I remember her calling me the night before, and asking me who the man on the couch was? I had assured her that there was no man on the couch, but it must have been Jesus. Daddy saw an angel a few days before he went home.

I kissed mama's face and kept saying "mama, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. You were a wonderful mama, I'm so sorry!! Thank you for everything you did, I love you mama! I'm so very sorry, mama! mama!"
Ronnie came running into the room, with tears in his eyes and a look of shock, Meredith was sobbing. I looked at him and said.... "my mama is gone!"

The night before, Cookie and Mark were here. We were talking and laughing about good times, never knowing that this would be our last time together with mama. The protective wall that I put around my heart, suddenly was there, and I realized, that I had calls to make and things to do. It was the same thing that happened when daddy passed away, I had to be strong, take care of things, I could not break down!!

I prayed for the Lord to give me the strength to take care of the things that needed to be done. Calls were made, people came, they talked to me, they brought food and we made arrangements. I can recall almost everything, but it's like I'm watching a movie. I was just so tired.... I did eat, but I can't really say I tasted much. People were crying and talking about mama, and how they loved her and would miss her. I'm thinking to myself.... where were you?  Every Sunday I would dress her nice and fix her hair, she would put on lipstick, and then wait.... and wait.... and wait. Finally, at the end of the day she would look at me and say.... 'they didn't come, did they?"

Mama could be difficult. She was strong willed, opinionated, you always knew what she was thinking.  She was the meanest woman that I ever knew, and I told her that. Our bringing her here was a difficult adjustment for everybody, including her. There were ugly things said, very harsh and hurtful words. There was so much anger and resentment. There was laughter, talking about good memories, crying, apologies, hugs and kisses, looking through old pictures, sharing meals together, watching her "cooking shows" together and women's softball and NASCAR. It was so hard and it was special. We did the best we could to make it work and it would hurt me so badly when she would say, "I know I'm a burden."  She was not a burden, but she was demanding. I kept pushing her to do more for herself, but she did the best she could.

I am sorry. Sorry that she and I wasted so many years at odds with one another. She was determined to make me be what she wanted, and I was so determined that I was never going to be like that. I hated it when people would tell me I looked like her, and she wasn't too happy about that either. I'm sorry that I could never truly remember the good times, without recalling the bad times, the cruel times, the times she beat me and took everything out on me. The times she was so critical of everything I did, said, wore. The times I never felt that I was ever good enough for her. I'm sorry for the times I resented her.... and yes.... the times I hated her. A month or so before she passed away.... she made a big mess in the bathroom and she wanted Meredith to clean it up. Meredith was only 15 years old and she was already doing more that any of the others, to help me take care of mama. Meredith told her no and mama gritted her teeth and called her "a bitch!" Meredith can be a bitch, but her dad and I are the only ones that can tell her that. I saw black, never a good thing, because I loose control. I dismissed Meredith from the bathroom, and I cleaned up mama and the bathroom and I put her in the wheelchair. I remember she kept saying something, but I really can't remember what it was. All I do remember was that I was so mad that I was screaming at her, cursing her and calling her some of the names that she use to call me growing up. I reminded her of EVERYTHING!! Things that I feel in my heart that she remembered, but had hoped I hadn't, she should have known better, I never forget. I was screaming so loudly and cursing, that I was actually spitting. Finally.... I pushed her away and left the room. I was sick, so sick! Sick to my very core, that I had unleashed all of those years of pent up anger. Lord, what have I done?

Mama and I certainly needed to clear the air, but not this way. This was not my way. An hour or so after my horrible tantrum, mama called me in to the bathroom to help her. When I finished cleaning her up and helped her back in the chair.... she grabbed me around the waist and hugged me so tightly and began to cry. "I am so sorry. I love you and I appreciate everything that you do for me, everything that Ronnie and Meredith do for me. I am so sorry." I cried and grabbed her and hugged her, "Mama, I am so very sorry. I love you too, I am so sorry." Years of hurt and pain, melted away.... we were going to be okay, finally. She had told me that even though the apartment that Ronnie had built on to the back of the house was beautiful, she wished that she was still in her little bedroom that we had made for her across the hall from Meredith. She was lonely and afraid back in her place, and even though we would ask her to eat with us, she would say that was our family time. We tried to tell her that she was part of our family and we tried to include her, but she just never felt at home, and that hurts me.

There were times when we would put her in the car and go get ice cream and then we would ride around. We were able to take her to church a couple of times, but she missed daddy so badly and NO ONE CAME. It broke my heart to see her waiting. Well, later in the afternoon, after she passed away, I whispered to her.... "Mama, they came."

Mama.... I miss you so much. I miss the talks we had and the people we would remember and talk about. I miss holding your tiny little hands and watching them glide over those piano keys, so effortlessly and beautifully. I now know, that you may have acted strong and fearless when daddy was gone for weeks at a time, but you were actually a frightened young wife and mother.  Solely responsible for three babies, with no help from anyone cause, we lived in Cayce away from Nannie and Papa, and your support system. You said I was like a little map, and remembered how to get back home. You made sure that the house was spotless, our clothes were also spotless, and the meals were amazing. You kept us grounded in church and you were responsible for our love of music. Ronnie travels and is away from home a lot, and I now know how you felt, only I'm never afraid, because you hide your fear so well, I really did learn to be strong and fearless. Daddy always did say I was the strongest and the meanest.

Mama.... I love you so much. In spite of our differences.... you taught me how to be a hard working wife and mother, and to keep a clean home. You taught me to stay grounded in church, and to raise my children in church, to have manners and respect for others. Because of our differences, I am not the same kind of parent that you were. Yes, they have manners and respect, and they are hard working and responsible, but I have tried to be more patient and to give them a fair chance. Not so quick to slap and ask questions like you, but more like daddy. I just can't inflict that pain and humiliation of the "slap and ask" method you used.

There is not a day of these four years, that I don't think of you and daddy. I'm happy that you are pain free and that you and daddy and the rest of the family, are laughing and running and worshipping at the feet of our precious Jesus. I will see you all again one day, but hopefully not for a little while. I want to see Meredith established in her career as a teacher, married and a mother. I also want to watch our baby girl Phoenix grow up and maybe even have a little brother or sister.

Happy Home Going, Mama- Miss Maggie- Hagatha, until we meet again.

Your loving daughter,

Amelia Ann Easler (Megie) Wall

Monday, March 30, 2015

After all.... I'm an adult

Things are still going fairly well, because the Lord is changing me. No.... I'm still not perfect and I never will be, but I am trying so hard not to argue. Ronnie and I were having a discussion that could have easily turned into an argument and he asked me why I always say things, when I am trying so hard to keep my mouth shut? Well that question in it's self could have caused another discussion, but I let that one slide. I told him that I am like Sophia on Golden Girls.... sometimes it's hard to keep it in, I feel like "I'm cramping up."

When I went to the doctor, of course the main topic was weight loss. He doesn't know me well, because I'm a new patient, and he is strictly be the book, I guess it will take some time. Ronnie told Meredith to go with me so she could ask about my drinking Coke Zero, well you know he said no soft drinks.

I told Ronnie that I would stick to one small glass at night with my meds. I had a little Coke Zero in the fridge and there were 4 in the pantry. The next evening, when I drank the last of the Coke Zero that was in the fridge, I went to throw the bottle into the trash, and I just looked over at the shelf, where the Cokes were.... THEY WERE GONE!! Did you understand what I said? THEY WERE GONE!! They had hidden them!! I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I was so hurt. I tried searching in every nook and cranny I could possibly look in, but they were hidden up on a shelf somewhere, so I couldn't reach them!! I felt betrayed.... the worst possible hurt.

This was the straw.... Of course they control every possible area in my life, Meredith tattles on me and everything I say to Ronnie, is wrong or he disagrees with, but this was the ultimate.

Cookie tried to sneak me some smaller bottles in, but Meredith over-heard her and that was that. She and Ronnie became really upset, but I think they realized.... some way.... some how.... I will get what I want. Meredith is really helping me stay on my diet, but they want me to relax a little on the weekend. This will always be a way of life for me, and I may relax sometimes, but if they keep hiding the Coke Zero, I will find a way.... after all.... I'm an adult.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Checking In

Things are going so well, and I am thankful that the Lord has heard and answered my prayers.

Phoenix just celebrated her 2nd birthday! Our precious baby girl is 2 years old and she is beautiful
and perfect in every way. Justin and Jordan gave her a "Horse" themed party, with decorations that looked like a farm, with fences and different things you would find on a horse farm. She had some
of her little friends there, all boys!! Of course the family was there and some of Justin and Jordan's friends, and we all had so much fun watching the kids play. Phoenix was so happy and enjoyed herself so much. She had on a little dress with a horse  on the front, she looked so sweet. She is growing and learning and talking up a storm.

This past week was spring break for Meredith. Ronnie was gone all week to VA and DC.... so it was just us girls. We had so much fun being together, baking muffins and we even went to Starbucks. She
takes good care of me, even if she can be a little "Natzi."

Ronnie is home now and next week, his schedule is not as full, so he will be home at night.

Lord.... I ask your blessings on my sweet family. Give them good health, keep them safe and thank you for everything you have blessed us with and for loving us.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Snow and Icy

My goodness- We have had so much icy weather, cold rain and then the dreaded black ice. Schools have been canceled and they are canceled tomorrow. The weather forecast is actually calling for 2-4 inches of snow and it's  been coming down pretty good, since about 6:00pm.

Yesterday was a very sad day. Mama's dog, Angel, that went to live with Cookie when Mama moved in here, crossed over The Rainbow Bridge. Bless her heart, she has been sick for awhile and since Sunday, she went down really quickly. Cookie came to church Sunday and when she got home, Angel was paralysed. She took her to an emergency vet that afternoon and then a specialist on Monday. They discovered that she had Cushings disease, an overproduction of the hormone cortisol, paralysis, a brain tumor and an enlarged liver. After much prayer, Cookie made the decision to help her cross over. Cookie came here for a little while and I told her that she had made the right decision. When we helped Callie and Odie cross over, I had a really hard time and I told Cookie that this was all normal emotions.

We have a busy weekend coming up. Tomorrow (26th) is Kane and Sophia's birthdays. Friday (27th) is Phoenix's 2nd birthday and Saturday is her party, weather permitting. Bless her little heart, she has had a stomach virus and today, Jordan had it. I talked to both of them earlier and asked Phoenix if she felt better. She said "Uh huh.... Mia." I can't believe that my sweet baby girl is 2 years old. Of course, she is beautiful, intelligent, sweet and loving. Perfect in anyway.

Saturday evening, the LBJ were suppose to have dinner at Wade's. I canceled it, first of all, because Kathy is sick and secondly, nobody was coming except Kathy, possibly Cookie and me. You can't depend on these women to even give me a response to an accurate head count for our meetings. How hard is it to check your calendar, and then say yes or no?

Monday, February 16, 2015


This past weekend was Valentine's and Ronnie was the most wonderful and thoughtful
husband and dad. He bought baskets.... filled them with tissue paper and confetti and wrapped them with a red bow. Inside was everything we could possibly want and certainly needed.... socks,
makeup, makeup wipes, shampoo and conditioner, ladies razors and lots and lots of candy! He made
them himself and they were so beautiful.

Meredith and I had a little money of our own, so we bought him candy and tee shirts. Then on Saturday night, Meredith was baby sitting and Ronnie fixed a delicious meal.... shrimp cocktail,
grilled steaks, medium rare and baked potatoes with sour cream and butter. Yummy!

Today we had the most wonderful time of praise and worship at the Mill and Pastor D J brought a
wonderful message.... tithing.... willingly giving our money and time for the building up of
God's Kingdom. It's such a small price, compared to the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.

Leah Woody's dad, Steve Melton, was killed Saturday while riding his motorcycle. This week was
a horrible and tragic week.... several wrecks that resulted in many people losing their lives. So sad....
A time to appreciate life.... to be thankful and love your family and hold them close. Life is
such a fragile.... whisper.

Lord, how can I thank you for all that you have done. Things were so bad and I was so angry, but I
gave it all to you and things are wonderful. I gave my testimony in Sunday School this morning, and
it gave me peace, being able to share how the Lord changed my life and how He was always there in
every situation.

Another sweet blessing came to visit us on Saturday. Our precious Phoenix. What a wonderful blessing from the Lord and a treasure. We laughed and played, sang songs, colored and most
importantly, we hugged her and kissed her.

I am blessed.... I am so thankful....

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Seeing the changes....

We're trying harder.... praying more, and I can see changes.  Of course, some days
the change is subtle and other days it's back to the beginning.

We'll take the positive, because the negative is painful. We want the change and we need the change.
Dear Lord.... You have this and we know that you will work this out for your Glory. We trust you
and know that everything will be fine.

Thank you Lord, for loving us and guiding us through.

It's going to be fine and we're welcoming.... The Changes....

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Change me....


I mentioned to them that we are just not getting along at all and I'm not sure what to do.
Neither one of them seemed to notice or care. They did not make a comment one way or another.

Things would change if, I could just keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I am still fighting the anger of the entire situation, in fact there was another BIG blow out last night. We were cleaning the kitchen and some of the left overs from the fridge were going, very slowly, down the disposal. I was trying to help things along by mashing some of the food, with my fingers, and helping it down the drain. Suddenly.... there was a loud "NO!" my arm was grabbed and I was scolded because I was going to clog up the disposal. I'm just so tired of being treated like a wayward child. I lost it, again, only I did not say anything to her, but he asked and I told him. Of course, she lied.... she denied that she grabbed my arm!! OMG!! I can't believe this.... I am totally speechless!! The looks he gave me,
that condescending attitude. Not only that, but it's like he keeps score of everything wrong that I have
ever done or anything hurtful that I have ever said. 

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe as I grow older, I am losing it. Oh dear God.... I don't want things to be
this way. Please help me, if I'm the one that needs to change, change me.

I don't know how to be any other way. I am very opinionated and I'm not so nice when I voice my
opinions. But, in all fairness Lord, sometimes they just keep pushing me. They know exactly what
upsets me and it seems they just keep on.... pushing and pushing.

I'm leaving this situation with you, Father. Guide me, control my thoughts, my words and my
actions. Fill me with love and kindness, change me. Help me realize that voicing my opinion
is not always necessary or important. Please forgive me for hurting my family and for being
disobedient to you. I am so very sorry.... I need your help.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Old Crazy Bitch

I really don't know what to say. It's like things improve and then it's back to square one.

They are so very rude and critical. I've been told that I need to find more intelligent people to spend time with. Actually I spend more time with the pups than anybody else, but they are my biggest source of unconditional love and comfort. Whenever I am on the phone, no matter who I am speaking to or what the purpose is of the call, they are constantly asking who I'm talking to, making rude comments and actually timing my calls. They are definitely not a source of more intelligence, rudeness, but not intelligence.

They have to know and control everything in my life. My God, it's like being in a prison. Of course, I'm not allowed to spend money without reporting what the money is for, how much and do I really need it? Let's not even discuss Coke Zero or how much toilet paper I use. I quit asking for wipes, because I've been told to use a wash cloth, that's even been suggested in place of TP!! I need to stay on my diet, but I have cut down my daily consumption, because I have to stay within the grocery budget and get only things that everyone can eat, nothing special. I understand our having to be on a budget and I realize that it's my fault. I've struggled for years with numerous health issues, daddy tried, while he was still working, to get me to apply for my disability. In January of 2005, I had to finally leave. I filed later in 2005 and after 10 years, 2 court dates and, several appeals.... it was over. I was not eligible for my disability and denied the money that I had paid in for 32 years. We had a lot of debt (we won't go into all of that) and Ronnie was carrying the financial burden alone.

I stay at home.... I'm careful not to go many places and waste gas. I don't go shopping, actually I hate shopping, but I try not to spend money unnecessarily. I don't go to the grocery store alone and I have been forbidden to go to Dollar General. If I do come in with a bag.... "Does the leader know you went shopping or did he say you could go. What did you buy, why did you buy that and did you need that? We're on a budget.... we can't spend any money!"

In all fairness, they do look after me, take care of things and they are concerned for my health issues, but that does not give them the right to question everything.

I'm tired and I really lost control of my temper, a couple of weeks ago. I have a recliner and it's breaking down, because both of the dogs want to be in the chair with me.There is a pole lamp behind
the chair and a table beside the chair, with a lamp on it. When Pete decides to jump out of the chair, it starts to swing around on it's on and when my feet are elevated, it's hard to stop it. The pole lamp has tipped precariously to the side, but I can't stop. It happened one night and suddenly I was being screamed at, like a child. I lost it.... I screamed back, cursed horribly, pointed my finger and, of course my famous brow lift and clenched teeth were a given, along with a little bit of spittle. Finally after the tirade was over and I was exhausted, I left the house. I had to get out of there because I couldn't breathe. Before long a phone call was made to the leader and then I received a call. I told the leader off and hung up. Why do they push me? They know when the line is crossed, I'm gonna lose it and scream like a crazy person, which is exactly what they say I am. Crazy, Old and Demented.... totally losing brain cells and will probably be a babbling idiot in no time. My God, really? Oh, and let's not forget my computer. My computer time is recorded and I must always move my computer back to my desk in the front of the house and not leave it in the den. I have gone to the bathroom before and the damned thing has been moved.

They feign innocence, with the pretense of "We're playing!" If I try to ignore them and not say anything at all, then I'm bombarded with "Are you mad or are you alright?" Well, what the hell do they think?

I do admit, I am a bitch, not all of the time, but I can be. I know I am crazy, not certified, but I probably could be. I don't feel good.... ever and with all of the health issues going on, it makes me not so pleasant or there again, a bitch. They must realize that they have their own problems too and I do try to live with and accept them. I try not to bother or aggravate or pick on them. I try to be understanding.... I am not perfect and I make mistakes, I realize that, but I really do try. I do love them with all of my heart. I am thankful to God for my family, but sometimes they hurt me.... playing or not.

Sometimes, it can be good and comfortable and fun, but in no time, that can be spoiled by a little remark or criticism and God forbid if I retaliate.... I am a horrible woman.... a bitch.... a crazy, old bitch. I've heard it all.

Sometimes.... It makes me sad, very sad.

Monday, January 12, 2015


I can honestly say, that there have been some changes in the dynamics of the situation. Being one to face a challenge head-on and never one to keep things to myself.... I made my stand clear and I have been heard.

There are many things to consider and one must come to realize, that so many things can play a big part in bringing about change.

I'm not really so worried about the future of this particular situation, I met the challenge head-on and even threw out an ultimatum or two, myself. I do matter, my opinion is important and I will not go quietly or without a fight.

With this being said.... We will continue to pray. We will continue to give and take and work harder. Anything worth having, is worth working for.