I'm Just Not There Yet....

You've heard the old saying.... "There's nothing like family." There's nothing like family to....

Be jealous, talk behind your back, tell lies, manipulate you, take from you, use you and make a fool of you.

When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be happy and be with my family. There were things that hurt me, things that I didn't understand, but I loved my family and I was happy when I was with them.

In a previous post, I talked about things in my younger years, that were very painful. The physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother, because I thought I wasn't good enough. Sometimes I really thought I deserved the beatings and then there were times, when I knew that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault, but I didn't know what I could do to change things.

There were times, that my sister was responsible for some of the beatings. She would get mad at me and tell lies and mama would beat me. As far back as Mark and I can remember, we were conditioned to believe that Cookie was fragile and that she needed to be treated delicately and much different than we were. When Cookie turned 12 years old, she changed. Suddenly, she thought Mark and I were obnoxious and she didn't want anything to do with us. She made cheerleader and suddenly she was very popular and too good to help around the house anymore.

The last beating and possibly the worst, was when David quit the football team and suddenly Cookie was without a sponsor for Homecoming Queen. Mama came home, walked in the door, slapped me hard across the face and when I fell, she kicked and kicked me and I finally got up and she had a knife in my face (I had been peeling potatoes for supper). I cleaned the kitchen, I cleaned the house and did the laundry and worked. Cookie was dating 4 or 5 boys at the same time and came and went as she pleased, she was head cheerleader her senior year, she was popular and she was fragile.

Moving ahead through years of mama and daddy always coming to her rescue, bailing her out time after time, until this past Sunday. Quite a leap through the years of lies and bullshit....

Because of Cookie's mental and emotional problems, being misdiagnosed, break downs, misuse of meds and being over medicated.... she and Casey are not on the best of terms, and that's putting it mildly. Cookie would call me 2 or 3 times a day, telling me that Casey and Jott were refusing to let her see Dax and Marlee and basically telling her she wasn't allowed to spend time with them.

Always telling me that Casey was hateful and hurtful and because I know that Casey can be very blunt and outspoken and because for some reason, I never thought that Cookie would lie to me about something so important, I believed her.

Well she was lying.... she was using me, manipulating me and she has betrayed me. Last Sunday, she came to my door, ringing my bell, like the world was on fire. She walked in, barefoot, and told me that she has been removed from her family, namely Casey and Jott. She told me I had betrayed her by telling Casey that she had gone to the hospital with an anxiety attack. Why shouldn't Casey know?
No matter what problems they may be having, Casey still should know what's going on with her mama, she worries about her.

Well.... wrapping this up, she walked out. We haven't spoken, except she did have Phil call me to ask me to call her, she's sorry. I'm not angry.... I'm not hurt.... I'm just not there yet.

No more lies, no more using me, no more making a fool of me.

I'm through....