GOD'S DIRECTION

Praise the Lord most high.... for His love, His faithfulness and His mercy. I thank Him for hearing my prayers.

A few weeks back, I asked the Lord to stop me from saying things that are ugly, in other words, to keep from cursing. I cannot give in to the anger that seems to overtake me, everything becomes black
and horrible words just come spewing out of my mouth like a poison and my head hurts and I cannot breathe because my heart is beating so fast, that it takes my breath away.

"Lord, Please help me. I can't let that darkness come over me. Please help me." It will be a constant work in progress because my temper is horrible, but I trust in my Lord.

The Lord knows what's happening, He knows the battle that I am fighting every day. I talk to Him constantly because He listens, He cares and He will help me.

There is a battle of constant PAIN.... every movement is pure torture at times. Even the little things are almost impossible. I fight a battle of guilt. I cannot do a lot in the way of being supportive and helping out at home and there is frustration on both sides and resentment. The biggest battle is....
the battle of being a part of the family unit.

The way things are now.... I do not have any say on anything that goes on here. Anything I say is ignored. Even when I speak, I get these looks of "how dare you speak, we make the decisions in this house, not you." Ronnie is either indifferent or accusatory. He ignores me, or he tells me that he doesn't care what I am saying. Meredith is a HORRIBLE BITCH.... and the looks she gives me, as if she could actually kill me.

Please forgive me, oh God....but, there are times that I HATE THEM BOTH!! They are cruel and critical. They deliberately say or do things to hurt me or make me angry. They know that I could have a stroke or a heart attack, if I lose it and sometimes I wonder if that's their intentions.

Lord.... I am giving it all to you. You are my only friend, there is nobody else.

Our 25th is coming up in September and their goal for me is to lose 50 pounds and to be able to walk a mile or two, and I need to do that. However, when they fix meals, they have no concern about what is prepared. I cannot go shopping to get some special things for me to eat.... and if I make a list, they leave off some of the things I want.

I am so tired.... but I WILL NOT GIVE UP OR GIVE IN!!

Keep me focused on you, Jesus. Help me find my quiet time and read more of your word. I'm giving you my weight, my physical activity and my pain. Show me how and what to do.... HELP ME JESUS.... PLEASE HELP ME.

Lots and Lots of changes

I do not know where to begin. Much has happened since my last post.

Things are some better around here, still an occasional attitude and smart remark, and there are times
that it still bothers me, but I have let God help me with my feelings.

Meredith took her Praxis II and she found out on Friday of this past week, that she passed!! She also found out that she is on the Chancellor's List again. She was so thrilled and now she is waiting for her score on the last test she took. If all goes according to plan,she will student teach at Carlisle in the Fall and graduate with honors in December. We are so proud of her, she has worked so very hard for this. Praying that she will be permanently placed at Carlisle.

We have had some major changes take place at The Mill. Kevin Harrison (Chief) resigned as Associate Pastor and he and his family have left the Mill. It seems that Susan was having an affair with Kevin's sister's husband, and Chief, being the wonderful, Godly man that he is.... he forgave her and they are getting counselling to work things out.

We now have a new Worship Pastor.... Jeff Brockleman from Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX. He, his wife Shelly and younger daughter, Tia have moved to SC. Their older daughter, Torie and her husband are leading worship in Chicago. Their only son Tyler lives in California and leads worship there. They are a Godly family and so talented. Our former Worship Pastor Brian Hurry, resigned, saying that he had some issues in his marriage to work through and he needed to make a change. We found out last night that Brian and Kim are separated and he has moved out.

Dear Lord.... what is happening??   I am so sad and heartbroken for my friends and I pray Father that they will seek your guidance and allow you to work in their marriages.

I'm gonna close for now and go to bed in a bit. Meredith is on Choir tour this next week in TN and Ronnie is leaving in the morning for KY, it will just be just me and the furry babies.

Until next time////