Praise the Lord most high.... for His love, His faithfulness and His mercy. I thank Him for hearing my prayers.
A few weeks back, I asked the Lord to stop me from saying things that are ugly, in other words, to keep from cursing. I cannot give in to the anger that seems to overtake me, everything becomes black
and horrible words just come spewing out of my mouth like a poison and my head hurts and I cannot breathe because my heart is beating so fast, that it takes my breath away.
"Lord, Please help me. I can't let that darkness come over me. Please help me." It will be a constant work in progress because my temper is horrible, but I trust in my Lord.
The Lord knows what's happening, He knows the battle that I am fighting every day. I talk to Him constantly because He listens, He cares and He will help me.
There is a battle of constant PAIN.... every movement is pure torture at times. Even the little things are almost impossible. I fight a battle of guilt. I cannot do a lot in the way of being supportive and helping out at home and there is frustration on both sides and resentment. The biggest battle is....
the battle of being a part of the family unit.
The way things are now.... I do not have any say on anything that goes on here. Anything I say is ignored. Even when I speak, I get these looks of "how dare you speak, we make the decisions in this house, not you." Ronnie is either indifferent or accusatory. He ignores me, or he tells me that he doesn't care what I am saying. Meredith is a HORRIBLE BITCH.... and the looks she gives me, as if she could actually kill me.
Please forgive me, oh God....but, there are times that I HATE THEM BOTH!! They are cruel and critical. They deliberately say or do things to hurt me or make me angry. They know that I could have a stroke or a heart attack, if I lose it and sometimes I wonder if that's their intentions.
Lord.... I am giving it all to you. You are my only friend, there is nobody else.
Our 25th is coming up in September and their goal for me is to lose 50 pounds and to be able to walk a mile or two, and I need to do that. However, when they fix meals, they have no concern about what is prepared. I cannot go shopping to get some special things for me to eat.... and if I make a list, they leave off some of the things I want.
I am so tired.... but I WILL NOT GIVE UP OR GIVE IN!!
Keep me focused on you, Jesus. Help me find my quiet time and read more of your word. I'm giving you my weight, my physical activity and my pain. Show me how and what to do.... HELP ME JESUS.... PLEASE HELP ME.