Four years ago....

Four years ago today, I went in to wake mama for breakfast, and Jesus had come to take her home, to be with Him and to see daddy.

It's still so very hard to talk about that day. I know that her home going was something that mama had been praying for, she was tired, sick and missing my daddy. She felt that she was a burden to us and nobody ever came to see her.

I still remember my face was numb, something that happens when I'm in shock, I kept calling her.... "mama? mama?" I told Meredith to go and get her daddy, she was right behind me, and I could hear her crying as she ran down the hall. I touched mama, she was warm, so she hadn't been gone long. I remember her calling me the night before, and asking me who the man on the couch was? I had assured her that there was no man on the couch, but it must have been Jesus. Daddy saw an angel a few days before he went home.

I kissed mama's face and kept saying "mama, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. You were a wonderful mama, I'm so sorry!! Thank you for everything you did, I love you mama! I'm so very sorry, mama! mama!"
Ronnie came running into the room, with tears in his eyes and a look of shock, Meredith was sobbing. I looked at him and said.... "my mama is gone!"

The night before, Cookie and Mark were here. We were talking and laughing about good times, never knowing that this would be our last time together with mama. The protective wall that I put around my heart, suddenly was there, and I realized, that I had calls to make and things to do. It was the same thing that happened when daddy passed away, I had to be strong, take care of things, I could not break down!!

I prayed for the Lord to give me the strength to take care of the things that needed to be done. Calls were made, people came, they talked to me, they brought food and we made arrangements. I can recall almost everything, but it's like I'm watching a movie. I was just so tired.... I did eat, but I can't really say I tasted much. People were crying and talking about mama, and how they loved her and would miss her. I'm thinking to myself.... where were you?  Every Sunday I would dress her nice and fix her hair, she would put on lipstick, and then wait.... and wait.... and wait. Finally, at the end of the day she would look at me and say.... 'they didn't come, did they?"

Mama could be difficult. She was strong willed, opinionated, you always knew what she was thinking.  She was the meanest woman that I ever knew, and I told her that. Our bringing her here was a difficult adjustment for everybody, including her. There were ugly things said, very harsh and hurtful words. There was so much anger and resentment. There was laughter, talking about good memories, crying, apologies, hugs and kisses, looking through old pictures, sharing meals together, watching her "cooking shows" together and women's softball and NASCAR. It was so hard and it was special. We did the best we could to make it work and it would hurt me so badly when she would say, "I know I'm a burden."  She was not a burden, but she was demanding. I kept pushing her to do more for herself, but she did the best she could.

I am sorry. Sorry that she and I wasted so many years at odds with one another. She was determined to make me be what she wanted, and I was so determined that I was never going to be like that. I hated it when people would tell me I looked like her, and she wasn't too happy about that either. I'm sorry that I could never truly remember the good times, without recalling the bad times, the cruel times, the times she beat me and took everything out on me. The times she was so critical of everything I did, said, wore. The times I never felt that I was ever good enough for her. I'm sorry for the times I resented her.... and yes.... the times I hated her. A month or so before she passed away.... she made a big mess in the bathroom and she wanted Meredith to clean it up. Meredith was only 15 years old and she was already doing more that any of the others, to help me take care of mama. Meredith told her no and mama gritted her teeth and called her "a bitch!" Meredith can be a bitch, but her dad and I are the only ones that can tell her that. I saw black, never a good thing, because I loose control. I dismissed Meredith from the bathroom, and I cleaned up mama and the bathroom and I put her in the wheelchair. I remember she kept saying something, but I really can't remember what it was. All I do remember was that I was so mad that I was screaming at her, cursing her and calling her some of the names that she use to call me growing up. I reminded her of EVERYTHING!! Things that I feel in my heart that she remembered, but had hoped I hadn't, she should have known better, I never forget. I was screaming so loudly and cursing, that I was actually spitting. Finally.... I pushed her away and left the room. I was sick, so sick! Sick to my very core, that I had unleashed all of those years of pent up anger. Lord, what have I done?

Mama and I certainly needed to clear the air, but not this way. This was not my way. An hour or so after my horrible tantrum, mama called me in to the bathroom to help her. When I finished cleaning her up and helped her back in the chair.... she grabbed me around the waist and hugged me so tightly and began to cry. "I am so sorry. I love you and I appreciate everything that you do for me, everything that Ronnie and Meredith do for me. I am so sorry." I cried and grabbed her and hugged her, "Mama, I am so very sorry. I love you too, I am so sorry." Years of hurt and pain, melted away.... we were going to be okay, finally. She had told me that even though the apartment that Ronnie had built on to the back of the house was beautiful, she wished that she was still in her little bedroom that we had made for her across the hall from Meredith. She was lonely and afraid back in her place, and even though we would ask her to eat with us, she would say that was our family time. We tried to tell her that she was part of our family and we tried to include her, but she just never felt at home, and that hurts me.

There were times when we would put her in the car and go get ice cream and then we would ride around. We were able to take her to church a couple of times, but she missed daddy so badly and NO ONE CAME. It broke my heart to see her waiting. Well, later in the afternoon, after she passed away, I whispered to her.... "Mama, they came."

Mama.... I miss you so much. I miss the talks we had and the people we would remember and talk about. I miss holding your tiny little hands and watching them glide over those piano keys, so effortlessly and beautifully. I now know, that you may have acted strong and fearless when daddy was gone for weeks at a time, but you were actually a frightened young wife and mother.  Solely responsible for three babies, with no help from anyone cause, we lived in Cayce away from Nannie and Papa, and your support system. You said I was like a little map, and remembered how to get back home. You made sure that the house was spotless, our clothes were also spotless, and the meals were amazing. You kept us grounded in church and you were responsible for our love of music. Ronnie travels and is away from home a lot, and I now know how you felt, only I'm never afraid, because you hide your fear so well, I really did learn to be strong and fearless. Daddy always did say I was the strongest and the meanest.

Mama.... I love you so much. In spite of our differences.... you taught me how to be a hard working wife and mother, and to keep a clean home. You taught me to stay grounded in church, and to raise my children in church, to have manners and respect for others. Because of our differences, I am not the same kind of parent that you were. Yes, they have manners and respect, and they are hard working and responsible, but I have tried to be more patient and to give them a fair chance. Not so quick to slap and ask questions like you, but more like daddy. I just can't inflict that pain and humiliation of the "slap and ask" method you used.

There is not a day of these four years, that I don't think of you and daddy. I'm happy that you are pain free and that you and daddy and the rest of the family, are laughing and running and worshipping at the feet of our precious Jesus. I will see you all again one day, but hopefully not for a little while. I want to see Meredith established in her career as a teacher, married and a mother. I also want to watch our baby girl Phoenix grow up and maybe even have a little brother or sister.

Happy Home Going, Mama- Miss Maggie- Hagatha, until we meet again.

Your loving daughter,

Amelia Ann Easler (Megie) Wall

After all.... I'm an adult

Things are still going fairly well, because the Lord is changing me. No.... I'm still not perfect and I never will be, but I am trying so hard not to argue. Ronnie and I were having a discussion that could have easily turned into an argument and he asked me why I always say things, when I am trying so hard to keep my mouth shut? Well that question in it's self could have caused another discussion, but I let that one slide. I told him that I am like Sophia on Golden Girls.... sometimes it's hard to keep it in, I feel like "I'm cramping up."

When I went to the doctor, of course the main topic was weight loss. He doesn't know me well, because I'm a new patient, and he is strictly be the book, I guess it will take some time. Ronnie told Meredith to go with me so she could ask about my drinking Coke Zero, well you know he said no soft drinks.

I told Ronnie that I would stick to one small glass at night with my meds. I had a little Coke Zero in the fridge and there were 4 in the pantry. The next evening, when I drank the last of the Coke Zero that was in the fridge, I went to throw the bottle into the trash, and I just looked over at the shelf, where the Cokes were.... THEY WERE GONE!! Did you understand what I said? THEY WERE GONE!! They had hidden them!! I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I was so hurt. I tried searching in every nook and cranny I could possibly look in, but they were hidden up on a shelf somewhere, so I couldn't reach them!! I felt betrayed.... the worst possible hurt.

This was the straw.... Of course they control every possible area in my life, Meredith tattles on me and everything I say to Ronnie, is wrong or he disagrees with, but this was the ultimate.

Cookie tried to sneak me some smaller bottles in, but Meredith over-heard her and that was that. She and Ronnie became really upset, but I think they realized.... some way.... some how.... I will get what I want. Meredith is really helping me stay on my diet, but they want me to relax a little on the weekend. This will always be a way of life for me, and I may relax sometimes, but if they keep hiding the Coke Zero, I will find a way.... after all.... I'm an adult.

Checking In

Things are going so well, and I am thankful that the Lord has heard and answered my prayers.

Phoenix just celebrated her 2nd birthday! Our precious baby girl is 2 years old and she is beautiful
and perfect in every way. Justin and Jordan gave her a "Horse" themed party, with decorations that looked like a farm, with fences and different things you would find on a horse farm. She had some
of her little friends there, all boys!! Of course the family was there and some of Justin and Jordan's friends, and we all had so much fun watching the kids play. Phoenix was so happy and enjoyed herself so much. She had on a little dress with a horse  on the front, she looked so sweet. She is growing and learning and talking up a storm.

This past week was spring break for Meredith. Ronnie was gone all week to VA and DC.... so it was just us girls. We had so much fun being together, baking muffins and we even went to Starbucks. She
takes good care of me, even if she can be a little "Natzi."

Ronnie is home now and next week, his schedule is not as full, so he will be home at night.

Lord.... I ask your blessings on my sweet family. Give them good health, keep them safe and thank you for everything you have blessed us with and for loving us.

Snow and Icy

My goodness- We have had so much icy weather, cold rain and then the dreaded black ice. Schools have been canceled and they are canceled tomorrow. The weather forecast is actually calling for 2-4 inches of snow and it's  been coming down pretty good, since about 6:00pm.

Yesterday was a very sad day. Mama's dog, Angel, that went to live with Cookie when Mama moved in here, crossed over The Rainbow Bridge. Bless her heart, she has been sick for awhile and since Sunday, she went down really quickly. Cookie came to church Sunday and when she got home, Angel was paralysed. She took her to an emergency vet that afternoon and then a specialist on Monday. They discovered that she had Cushings disease, an overproduction of the hormone cortisol, paralysis, a brain tumor and an enlarged liver. After much prayer, Cookie made the decision to help her cross over. Cookie came here for a little while and I told her that she had made the right decision. When we helped Callie and Odie cross over, I had a really hard time and I told Cookie that this was all normal emotions.

We have a busy weekend coming up. Tomorrow (26th) is Kane and Sophia's birthdays. Friday (27th) is Phoenix's 2nd birthday and Saturday is her party, weather permitting. Bless her little heart, she has had a stomach virus and today, Jordan had it. I talked to both of them earlier and asked Phoenix if she felt better. She said "Uh huh.... Mia." I can't believe that my sweet baby girl is 2 years old. Of course, she is beautiful, intelligent, sweet and loving. Perfect in anyway.

Saturday evening, the LBJ were suppose to have dinner at Wade's. I canceled it, first of all, because Kathy is sick and secondly, nobody was coming except Kathy, possibly Cookie and me. You can't depend on these women to even give me a response to an accurate head count for our meetings. How hard is it to check your calendar, and then say yes or no?

Thankful....

This past weekend was Valentine's and Ronnie was the most wonderful and thoughtful
husband and dad. He bought baskets.... filled them with tissue paper and confetti and wrapped them with a red bow. Inside was everything we could possibly want and certainly needed.... socks,
makeup, makeup wipes, shampoo and conditioner, ladies razors and lots and lots of candy! He made
them himself and they were so beautiful.

Meredith and I had a little money of our own, so we bought him candy and tee shirts. Then on Saturday night, Meredith was baby sitting and Ronnie fixed a delicious meal.... shrimp cocktail,
grilled steaks, medium rare and baked potatoes with sour cream and butter. Yummy!

Today we had the most wonderful time of praise and worship at the Mill and Pastor D J brought a
wonderful message.... tithing.... willingly giving our money and time for the building up of
God's Kingdom. It's such a small price, compared to the sacrifice that Jesus made for us.

Leah Woody's dad, Steve Melton, was killed Saturday while riding his motorcycle. This week was
a horrible and tragic week.... several wrecks that resulted in many people losing their lives. So sad....
A time to appreciate life.... to be thankful and love your family and hold them close. Life is
such a fragile.... whisper.

Lord, how can I thank you for all that you have done. Things were so bad and I was so angry, but I
gave it all to you and things are wonderful. I gave my testimony in Sunday School this morning, and
it gave me peace, being able to share how the Lord changed my life and how He was always there in
every situation.

Another sweet blessing came to visit us on Saturday. Our precious Phoenix. What a wonderful blessing from the Lord and a treasure. We laughed and played, sang songs, colored and most
importantly, we hugged her and kissed her.

I am blessed.... I am so thankful....

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow.

Seeing the changes....

We're trying harder.... praying more, and I can see changes.  Of course, some days
the change is subtle and other days it's back to the beginning.

We'll take the positive, because the negative is painful. We want the change and we need the change.
Dear Lord.... You have this and we know that you will work this out for your Glory. We trust you
and know that everything will be fine.

Thank you Lord, for loving us and guiding us through.

It's going to be fine and we're welcoming.... The Changes....

Change me....

Okay....

I mentioned to them that we are just not getting along at all and I'm not sure what to do.
Neither one of them seemed to notice or care. They did not make a comment one way or another.

Things would change if, I could just keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I am still fighting the anger of the entire situation, in fact there was another BIG blow out last night. We were cleaning the kitchen and some of the left overs from the fridge were going, very slowly, down the disposal. I was trying to help things along by mashing some of the food, with my fingers, and helping it down the drain. Suddenly.... there was a loud "NO!" my arm was grabbed and I was scolded because I was going to clog up the disposal. I'm just so tired of being treated like a wayward child. I lost it, again, only I did not say anything to her, but he asked and I told him. Of course, she lied.... she denied that she grabbed my arm!! OMG!! I can't believe this.... I am totally speechless!! The looks he gave me,
that condescending attitude. Not only that, but it's like he keeps score of everything wrong that I have
ever done or anything hurtful that I have ever said. 

Maybe it is my fault. Maybe as I grow older, I am losing it. Oh dear God.... I don't want things to be
this way. Please help me, if I'm the one that needs to change, change me.

I don't know how to be any other way. I am very opinionated and I'm not so nice when I voice my
opinions. But, in all fairness Lord, sometimes they just keep pushing me. They know exactly what
upsets me and it seems they just keep on.... pushing and pushing.

I'm leaving this situation with you, Father. Guide me, control my thoughts, my words and my
actions. Fill me with love and kindness, change me. Help me realize that voicing my opinion
is not always necessary or important. Please forgive me for hurting my family and for being
disobedient to you. I am so very sorry.... I need your help.