I'm shocked at how much time has elapsed, since my last posting.... October 2016
Looking back.... 2017 was a year of Big changes and Deep Personal Loss:
After 21 years.... we left Anderson Mill. I never thought that would ever, in a million years.... happen.
So many BIG changes in personnel.... Kevin-Bucky (Uganda)- Joel (Bucky's replacement- Jill-Stacy
and Brian. Brian's resignation and the way things happened afterwards.... was a BIG red flag....
something was very wrong. We knew that it was a matter of time before we would finally build a bigger sanctuary, it had been discussed. We were still in debt $20 million and even though we were at 3 services and growing, we still were not ready. However, the powers that be felt differently. DJ had told us that he was in this for the long haul, but then one Sunday morning, he informed us that he had be talking with a church in AL and was seriously considering taking the position. The next thing we know.... we are talking about breaking ground for the new sanctuary and enters.... Jeff Brockleman (Brian's replacement). Suddenly there is a drastic change in the music. Brockleman has handpicked a Praise Team.... the choir is just a back up for him and his group.... no choir specials, very little choir participation. As time goes on, we find out that Brockleman is just a "glorified" showman.... he does not know how to lead a choir, he is Not a choir director. We also are wondering how he was able to hand pick his Praise Team so quickly.... they were already in place and we had not auditioned for him yet. Yeah right.... audition. He was already implementing changes in our choir, before he moved here. In other words.... his was making the move before Brian ever resigned.
Brian was forced to resign and had to sign a "gag" order, that would keep him from talking, about the behind the scenes happenings, for a year. The bottom line.... in order for DJ to agree to stay.... the deacons had to give him a substantial raise AND give him full authority to hire and fire as he sees fit!!! Seriously? In a Southern Baptist Church? After much prayer and lots of tears.... we decided to visit Ronnie's home church View Church (Mountain View Baptist). Our first Sunday to visit was Palm Sunday. Meredith had obligations to fill at The Mill.... but we are there and it has been so good.
Justin and Jordan are still at The Mill.... and we still pray for our friends and that the church will continue to flourish.
I think I'm going to end this part here and continue on to part 2.
Friday, February 23, 2018
Saturday, October 8, 2016
I'm Just Not There Yet....
You've heard the old saying.... "There's nothing like family." There's nothing like family to....
Be jealous, talk behind your back, tell lies, manipulate you, take from you, use you and make a fool of you.
When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be happy and be with my family. There were things that hurt me, things that I didn't understand, but I loved my family and I was happy when I was with them.
In a previous post, I talked about things in my younger years, that were very painful. The physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother, because I thought I wasn't good enough. Sometimes I really thought I deserved the beatings and then there were times, when I knew that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault, but I didn't know what I could do to change things.
There were times, that my sister was responsible for some of the beatings. She would get mad at me and tell lies and mama would beat me. As far back as Mark and I can remember, we were conditioned to believe that Cookie was fragile and that she needed to be treated delicately and much different than we were. When Cookie turned 12 years old, she changed. Suddenly, she thought Mark and I were obnoxious and she didn't want anything to do with us. She made cheerleader and suddenly she was very popular and too good to help around the house anymore.
The last beating and possibly the worst, was when David quit the football team and suddenly Cookie was without a sponsor for Homecoming Queen. Mama came home, walked in the door, slapped me hard across the face and when I fell, she kicked and kicked me and I finally got up and she had a knife in my face (I had been peeling potatoes for supper). I cleaned the kitchen, I cleaned the house and did the laundry and worked. Cookie was dating 4 or 5 boys at the same time and came and went as she pleased, she was head cheerleader her senior year, she was popular and she was fragile.
Moving ahead through years of mama and daddy always coming to her rescue, bailing her out time after time, until this past Sunday. Quite a leap through the years of lies and bullshit....
Because of Cookie's mental and emotional problems, being misdiagnosed, break downs, misuse of meds and being over medicated.... she and Casey are not on the best of terms, and that's putting it mildly. Cookie would call me 2 or 3 times a day, telling me that Casey and Jott were refusing to let her see Dax and Marlee and basically telling her she wasn't allowed to spend time with them.
Always telling me that Casey was hateful and hurtful and because I know that Casey can be very blunt and outspoken and because for some reason, I never thought that Cookie would lie to me about something so important, I believed her.
Well she was lying.... she was using me, manipulating me and she has betrayed me. Last Sunday, she came to my door, ringing my bell, like the world was on fire. She walked in, barefoot, and told me that she has been removed from her family, namely Casey and Jott. She told me I had betrayed her by telling Casey that she had gone to the hospital with an anxiety attack. Why shouldn't Casey know?
No matter what problems they may be having, Casey still should know what's going on with her mama, she worries about her.
Well.... wrapping this up, she walked out. We haven't spoken, except she did have Phil call me to ask me to call her, she's sorry. I'm not angry.... I'm not hurt.... I'm just not there yet.
No more lies, no more using me, no more making a fool of me.
I'm through....
Be jealous, talk behind your back, tell lies, manipulate you, take from you, use you and make a fool of you.
When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be happy and be with my family. There were things that hurt me, things that I didn't understand, but I loved my family and I was happy when I was with them.
In a previous post, I talked about things in my younger years, that were very painful. The physical abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother, because I thought I wasn't good enough. Sometimes I really thought I deserved the beatings and then there were times, when I knew that it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault, but I didn't know what I could do to change things.
There were times, that my sister was responsible for some of the beatings. She would get mad at me and tell lies and mama would beat me. As far back as Mark and I can remember, we were conditioned to believe that Cookie was fragile and that she needed to be treated delicately and much different than we were. When Cookie turned 12 years old, she changed. Suddenly, she thought Mark and I were obnoxious and she didn't want anything to do with us. She made cheerleader and suddenly she was very popular and too good to help around the house anymore.
The last beating and possibly the worst, was when David quit the football team and suddenly Cookie was without a sponsor for Homecoming Queen. Mama came home, walked in the door, slapped me hard across the face and when I fell, she kicked and kicked me and I finally got up and she had a knife in my face (I had been peeling potatoes for supper). I cleaned the kitchen, I cleaned the house and did the laundry and worked. Cookie was dating 4 or 5 boys at the same time and came and went as she pleased, she was head cheerleader her senior year, she was popular and she was fragile.
Moving ahead through years of mama and daddy always coming to her rescue, bailing her out time after time, until this past Sunday. Quite a leap through the years of lies and bullshit....
Because of Cookie's mental and emotional problems, being misdiagnosed, break downs, misuse of meds and being over medicated.... she and Casey are not on the best of terms, and that's putting it mildly. Cookie would call me 2 or 3 times a day, telling me that Casey and Jott were refusing to let her see Dax and Marlee and basically telling her she wasn't allowed to spend time with them.
Always telling me that Casey was hateful and hurtful and because I know that Casey can be very blunt and outspoken and because for some reason, I never thought that Cookie would lie to me about something so important, I believed her.
Well she was lying.... she was using me, manipulating me and she has betrayed me. Last Sunday, she came to my door, ringing my bell, like the world was on fire. She walked in, barefoot, and told me that she has been removed from her family, namely Casey and Jott. She told me I had betrayed her by telling Casey that she had gone to the hospital with an anxiety attack. Why shouldn't Casey know?
No matter what problems they may be having, Casey still should know what's going on with her mama, she worries about her.
Well.... wrapping this up, she walked out. We haven't spoken, except she did have Phil call me to ask me to call her, she's sorry. I'm not angry.... I'm not hurt.... I'm just not there yet.
No more lies, no more using me, no more making a fool of me.
I'm through....
Thursday, August 4, 2016
No closer to the goal....
No weight loss.... even though Dr. Tuttle did tell Meredith and me that he was going to change the dosage on my thyroid medicine, he did not change it. Of course he is in daddy mode since his first child "Luke" is due anytime. The Plexus is a freakin joke.... I have started walking, in fact I walked across the yard on Tuesday afternoon, almost to Tommy and Marcia's. The mail lady left a piece of our mail in their box, so I decided to walk up. I might have made it, but it was so hot. Even with Meredith coming to pick me up, I still walked more.
While I was there, I asked Tommy if I could visit with Marcia. She is still beautiful, her hair is longer and white. She moved her mouth when I told her who I was, and she looked at me. God.... it is so heartbreaking to see this once busy, energetic wife, mother and grandmother, Lost In Her Mind!! How horrible, and my heart breaks for Tommy, who has loved her since she was 13 years old, as he feeds her and tends to her and loves her still.
There is something that is bothering me.... A couple of Sundays ago, DJ was talking about some of the changes that the Mill has been through, since March. Bucky leaves for Uganda, Kevin resigns and leaves because his wife was having an affair (they are working through it).... Brian resigns and leaves the ministry and his wife, and goes into Real Estate, not sure what the deal is here. Jeff Brocklemen comes in rather quickly, and takes Brian's place and begins to implement lots and lots of changes. Joel resigns and is moving to Chicago to be a church "planter," Jill Morris resigns as Children's Director and goes into business with Donna Loudermilk, Hub City Runners. Running and exercise groups and sports wear. Then.... DJ sort of dropped a bomb! He has been thinking about leaving too, in fact he had been talking to another church and was about to take their offer, when Joel handed in his resignation. A visiting couple behind Meredith, got up to leave, and the woman said," I don't think we need to be here, everybody is leaving, even the pastor!" Now why would the Senior Pastor bring that up in a Sunday service, knowing visitors were present? Another thing.... why would he want to leave when we are beginning another building phase?
We received a letter this week from the children's department, and Stacy Butler has resigned also! There was a rumor when Brian left, that she and Brian were caught in a compromising situation, upstairs in the children's wing. Just like there was a rumor that Lisa Smith and Brain were too close and now she is singing in Ignite. Rumors.... Gossip with nothing to substantiate it. Gee whiz.... crap like this makes you want to strangle the gossipers with their own tongues. More about the changes and Jeff next time.
Things around here are about the same.... smart attitudes, looks, criticisms and of course with my being no closer to the goal....
I am thankful that my God in Heaven is still with me.... helping me with my language and my temper.
While I was there, I asked Tommy if I could visit with Marcia. She is still beautiful, her hair is longer and white. She moved her mouth when I told her who I was, and she looked at me. God.... it is so heartbreaking to see this once busy, energetic wife, mother and grandmother, Lost In Her Mind!! How horrible, and my heart breaks for Tommy, who has loved her since she was 13 years old, as he feeds her and tends to her and loves her still.
There is something that is bothering me.... A couple of Sundays ago, DJ was talking about some of the changes that the Mill has been through, since March. Bucky leaves for Uganda, Kevin resigns and leaves because his wife was having an affair (they are working through it).... Brian resigns and leaves the ministry and his wife, and goes into Real Estate, not sure what the deal is here. Jeff Brocklemen comes in rather quickly, and takes Brian's place and begins to implement lots and lots of changes. Joel resigns and is moving to Chicago to be a church "planter," Jill Morris resigns as Children's Director and goes into business with Donna Loudermilk, Hub City Runners. Running and exercise groups and sports wear. Then.... DJ sort of dropped a bomb! He has been thinking about leaving too, in fact he had been talking to another church and was about to take their offer, when Joel handed in his resignation. A visiting couple behind Meredith, got up to leave, and the woman said," I don't think we need to be here, everybody is leaving, even the pastor!" Now why would the Senior Pastor bring that up in a Sunday service, knowing visitors were present? Another thing.... why would he want to leave when we are beginning another building phase?
We received a letter this week from the children's department, and Stacy Butler has resigned also! There was a rumor when Brian left, that she and Brian were caught in a compromising situation, upstairs in the children's wing. Just like there was a rumor that Lisa Smith and Brain were too close and now she is singing in Ignite. Rumors.... Gossip with nothing to substantiate it. Gee whiz.... crap like this makes you want to strangle the gossipers with their own tongues. More about the changes and Jeff next time.
Things around here are about the same.... smart attitudes, looks, criticisms and of course with my being no closer to the goal....
I am thankful that my God in Heaven is still with me.... helping me with my language and my temper.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
We always need you Lord....
Well.... There was quite an incident on the 4th. A bit scary, actually it was more than a little scary to Ronnie and Meredith.
After the comment on the 3rd about weight loss, I chose not to eat as much. We went out and swam in the pool and then got into the hot tub. My head had been hurting and I was starting to get too hot. I told Ronnie that it was hot and I leaned forward to stand up.... BLACKNESS
Not sure how much time elapsed but when I came around, I had an ear full of water and I was lying face down on the deck, next to the hot tub. Ronnie and Meredith were really relieved and a bit shaken up. It seems that in the beginning, they thought I was playing, but then they realized that something was wrong and then they panicked.... I was lifeless. I'm not sure if I was breathing or not, but they were scared, they thought I WAS DEAD!!
Things are still not clear, but they think that I got too hot and that my blood sugar had dropped, on top of that. They kept asking me random questions, I'm not sure if I answered them right or not. They have really been a bit nicer, but they still have the attitudes and Meredith is more and more argumentative every day.
They are leaving Thursday for a service call to Virginia and will be home Friday. Since Ronnie and I will be gone for 9 days in September, this will be a good trip for them. Meredith went to TN in June on choir tour, but she hasn't been anywhere really for vacation.
Lord.... I love my family and I want everyone to be happy and to get along. I pray for their safety, please protect them. Justin still hasn't had a good job offer, but he will keep trying, he is not happy where he is. I pray Father that you will lead him in the direction that he needs to go and help him make the right decision. Meredith goes back to school, August 8th.... with the teachers. Help her to have a successful year, she is only a little less than a full point from a 4.0 GPA and graduating Magna Cum Laude. She has worked so hard for this and I pray Lord that you will direct her and keep her focused.
Continue to bless us Heavenly Father, in spite of our failures. Help us all to draw closer to you and to one another.
Thank you, Lord.
Help us to stay on course and.... NEVER GIVE UP.
WE LOVE YOU LORD.... WE PRAISE YOU....
After the comment on the 3rd about weight loss, I chose not to eat as much. We went out and swam in the pool and then got into the hot tub. My head had been hurting and I was starting to get too hot. I told Ronnie that it was hot and I leaned forward to stand up.... BLACKNESS
Not sure how much time elapsed but when I came around, I had an ear full of water and I was lying face down on the deck, next to the hot tub. Ronnie and Meredith were really relieved and a bit shaken up. It seems that in the beginning, they thought I was playing, but then they realized that something was wrong and then they panicked.... I was lifeless. I'm not sure if I was breathing or not, but they were scared, they thought I WAS DEAD!!
Things are still not clear, but they think that I got too hot and that my blood sugar had dropped, on top of that. They kept asking me random questions, I'm not sure if I answered them right or not. They have really been a bit nicer, but they still have the attitudes and Meredith is more and more argumentative every day.
They are leaving Thursday for a service call to Virginia and will be home Friday. Since Ronnie and I will be gone for 9 days in September, this will be a good trip for them. Meredith went to TN in June on choir tour, but she hasn't been anywhere really for vacation.
Lord.... I love my family and I want everyone to be happy and to get along. I pray for their safety, please protect them. Justin still hasn't had a good job offer, but he will keep trying, he is not happy where he is. I pray Father that you will lead him in the direction that he needs to go and help him make the right decision. Meredith goes back to school, August 8th.... with the teachers. Help her to have a successful year, she is only a little less than a full point from a 4.0 GPA and graduating Magna Cum Laude. She has worked so hard for this and I pray Lord that you will direct her and keep her focused.
Continue to bless us Heavenly Father, in spite of our failures. Help us all to draw closer to you and to one another.
Thank you, Lord.
Help us to stay on course and.... NEVER GIVE UP.
WE LOVE YOU LORD.... WE PRAISE YOU....
Never Giving Up
Well.... There was quite an incident on the 4th. A bit scary, actually it was more than a little scary to Ronnie and Meredith.
After the comment on the 3rd about weight loss, I chose not to eat as much. We went out and swam in the pool and then got into the hot tub. My head had been hurting and I was starting to get too hot. I told Ronnie that it was hot and I leaned forward to stand up.... BLACKNESS
Not sure how much time elapsed but when I came around, I had an ear full of water and I was lying face down on the deck, next to the hot tub. Ronnie and Meredith were really relieved and a bit shaken up. It seems that in the beginning, they thought I was playing, but then they realized that something was wrong and then they panicked.... I was lifeless. I'm not sure if I was breathing or not, but they were scared, they thought I WAS DEAD!!
Things are still not clear, but they think that I got too hot and that my blood sugar had dropped, on top of that. They kept asking me random questions, I'm not sure if I answered them right or not. They have really been a bit nicer, but they still have the attitudes and Meredith is more and more argumentative every day.
They are leaving Thursday for a service call to Virginia and will be home Friday. Since Ronnie and I will be gone for 9 days in September, this will be a good trip for them. Meredith went to TN in June on choir tour, but she hasn't been anywhere really for vacation.
Lord.... I love my family and I want everyone to be happy and to get along. I pray for their safety, please protect them. Justin still hasn't had a good job offer, but he will keep trying, he is not happy where he is. I pray Father that you will lead him in the direction that he needs to go and help him make the right decision. Meredith goes back to school, August 8th.... with the teachers. Help her to have a successful year, she is only a little less than a full point from a 4.0 GPA and graduating Magna Cum Laude. She has worked so hard for this and I pray Lord that you will direct her and keep her focused.
Continue to bless us Heavenly Father, in spite of our failures. Help us all to draw closer to you and to one another.
Thank you, Lord.
Help us to stay on course and.... NEVER GIVE UP.
WE LOVE YOU LORD.... WE PRAISE YOU....
After the comment on the 3rd about weight loss, I chose not to eat as much. We went out and swam in the pool and then got into the hot tub. My head had been hurting and I was starting to get too hot. I told Ronnie that it was hot and I leaned forward to stand up.... BLACKNESS
Not sure how much time elapsed but when I came around, I had an ear full of water and I was lying face down on the deck, next to the hot tub. Ronnie and Meredith were really relieved and a bit shaken up. It seems that in the beginning, they thought I was playing, but then they realized that something was wrong and then they panicked.... I was lifeless. I'm not sure if I was breathing or not, but they were scared, they thought I WAS DEAD!!
Things are still not clear, but they think that I got too hot and that my blood sugar had dropped, on top of that. They kept asking me random questions, I'm not sure if I answered them right or not. They have really been a bit nicer, but they still have the attitudes and Meredith is more and more argumentative every day.
They are leaving Thursday for a service call to Virginia and will be home Friday. Since Ronnie and I will be gone for 9 days in September, this will be a good trip for them. Meredith went to TN in June on choir tour, but she hasn't been anywhere really for vacation.
Lord.... I love my family and I want everyone to be happy and to get along. I pray for their safety, please protect them. Justin still hasn't had a good job offer, but he will keep trying, he is not happy where he is. I pray Father that you will lead him in the direction that he needs to go and help him make the right decision. Meredith goes back to school, August 8th.... with the teachers. Help her to have a successful year, she is only a little less than a full point from a 4.0 GPA and graduating Magna Cum Laude. She has worked so hard for this and I pray Lord that you will direct her and keep her focused.
Continue to bless us Heavenly Father, in spite of our failures. Help us all to draw closer to you and to one another.
Thank you, Lord.
Help us to stay on course and.... NEVER GIVE UP.
WE LOVE YOU LORD.... WE PRAISE YOU....
Sunday, July 3, 2016
Okay....
This is the 4th of July weekend.... I think I posted in the previous post that I have started Plexis Slim. So many people have been taking Plexis and are losing weight and have so much energy. I need to also watch my carbs to go along with Plexis, my body does not metabolize carbs.
Having said that.... I cannot do any shopping, so I have to rely on what is on sale and what is brought home. Most of the time, if I want anything "special" I may ask or even text a list, but that is certainly up to the "powers that be," as to whether I get it or not.
Now.... today, we had holiday food, meatloaf, potato salad, baked beans, cole slaw and Meredith made her dad cupcakes. I had a small container of meatloaf and potato salad left over from lunch, so I added a little more, plus beans and warmed it up. I can eat my food in layers, it's a Parris thing, and Ronnie became upset, said it was an insult to the cook. They were giving each other the "look." I'm eating and right in the middle of dinner, they start asking me, how much have I lost? Really?
I've been telling them that I need to watch my carbs, but they keep saying " eat what you want, portion control." Then there's the exercise.... I went back to Dr. Josh on Thursday, my hips were 1.5 inches out. I haven't been able to walk with out a pronounced limp and with excruciating pain, and they want me to exercise!!
I'm so sick of this.... I get my first SS check at the end of the month, but I'm not waiting until then. I will go to the store and get some of the things I need for low carb and I will pay him back.
God in Heaven.... I need you. I need your help. I don't want there to be tension, but they cannot continue to hurt me and upset me. I want to lose the weight they want me to lose, I want to be able to walk and have the energy to walk. I want our 25th to be special and not like a couple of trips, that didn't go so well.
Please God?
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
GOD'S DIRECTION
Praise the Lord most high.... for His love, His faithfulness and His mercy. I thank Him for hearing my prayers.
A few weeks back, I asked the Lord to stop me from saying things that are ugly, in other words, to keep from cursing. I cannot give in to the anger that seems to overtake me, everything becomes black
and horrible words just come spewing out of my mouth like a poison and my head hurts and I cannot breathe because my heart is beating so fast, that it takes my breath away.
"Lord, Please help me. I can't let that darkness come over me. Please help me." It will be a constant work in progress because my temper is horrible, but I trust in my Lord.
The Lord knows what's happening, He knows the battle that I am fighting every day. I talk to Him constantly because He listens, He cares and He will help me.
There is a battle of constant PAIN.... every movement is pure torture at times. Even the little things are almost impossible. I fight a battle of guilt. I cannot do a lot in the way of being supportive and helping out at home and there is frustration on both sides and resentment. The biggest battle is....
the battle of being a part of the family unit.
The way things are now.... I do not have any say on anything that goes on here. Anything I say is ignored. Even when I speak, I get these looks of "how dare you speak, we make the decisions in this house, not you." Ronnie is either indifferent or accusatory. He ignores me, or he tells me that he doesn't care what I am saying. Meredith is a HORRIBLE BITCH.... and the looks she gives me, as if she could actually kill me.
Please forgive me, oh God....but, there are times that I HATE THEM BOTH!! They are cruel and critical. They deliberately say or do things to hurt me or make me angry. They know that I could have a stroke or a heart attack, if I lose it and sometimes I wonder if that's their intentions.
Lord.... I am giving it all to you. You are my only friend, there is nobody else.
Our 25th is coming up in September and their goal for me is to lose 50 pounds and to be able to walk a mile or two, and I need to do that. However, when they fix meals, they have no concern about what is prepared. I cannot go shopping to get some special things for me to eat.... and if I make a list, they leave off some of the things I want.
I am so tired.... but I WILL NOT GIVE UP OR GIVE IN!!
Keep me focused on you, Jesus. Help me find my quiet time and read more of your word. I'm giving you my weight, my physical activity and my pain. Show me how and what to do.... HELP ME JESUS.... PLEASE HELP ME.
A few weeks back, I asked the Lord to stop me from saying things that are ugly, in other words, to keep from cursing. I cannot give in to the anger that seems to overtake me, everything becomes black
and horrible words just come spewing out of my mouth like a poison and my head hurts and I cannot breathe because my heart is beating so fast, that it takes my breath away.
"Lord, Please help me. I can't let that darkness come over me. Please help me." It will be a constant work in progress because my temper is horrible, but I trust in my Lord.
The Lord knows what's happening, He knows the battle that I am fighting every day. I talk to Him constantly because He listens, He cares and He will help me.
There is a battle of constant PAIN.... every movement is pure torture at times. Even the little things are almost impossible. I fight a battle of guilt. I cannot do a lot in the way of being supportive and helping out at home and there is frustration on both sides and resentment. The biggest battle is....
the battle of being a part of the family unit.
The way things are now.... I do not have any say on anything that goes on here. Anything I say is ignored. Even when I speak, I get these looks of "how dare you speak, we make the decisions in this house, not you." Ronnie is either indifferent or accusatory. He ignores me, or he tells me that he doesn't care what I am saying. Meredith is a HORRIBLE BITCH.... and the looks she gives me, as if she could actually kill me.
Please forgive me, oh God....but, there are times that I HATE THEM BOTH!! They are cruel and critical. They deliberately say or do things to hurt me or make me angry. They know that I could have a stroke or a heart attack, if I lose it and sometimes I wonder if that's their intentions.
Lord.... I am giving it all to you. You are my only friend, there is nobody else.
Our 25th is coming up in September and their goal for me is to lose 50 pounds and to be able to walk a mile or two, and I need to do that. However, when they fix meals, they have no concern about what is prepared. I cannot go shopping to get some special things for me to eat.... and if I make a list, they leave off some of the things I want.
I am so tired.... but I WILL NOT GIVE UP OR GIVE IN!!
Keep me focused on you, Jesus. Help me find my quiet time and read more of your word. I'm giving you my weight, my physical activity and my pain. Show me how and what to do.... HELP ME JESUS.... PLEASE HELP ME.
Monday, June 6, 2016
Lots and Lots of changes
I do not know where to begin. Much has happened since my last post.
Things are some better around here, still an occasional attitude and smart remark, and there are times
that it still bothers me, but I have let God help me with my feelings.
Meredith took her Praxis II and she found out on Friday of this past week, that she passed!! She also found out that she is on the Chancellor's List again. She was so thrilled and now she is waiting for her score on the last test she took. If all goes according to plan,she will student teach at Carlisle in the Fall and graduate with honors in December. We are so proud of her, she has worked so very hard for this. Praying that she will be permanently placed at Carlisle.
We have had some major changes take place at The Mill. Kevin Harrison (Chief) resigned as Associate Pastor and he and his family have left the Mill. It seems that Susan was having an affair with Kevin's sister's husband, and Chief, being the wonderful, Godly man that he is.... he forgave her and they are getting counselling to work things out.
We now have a new Worship Pastor.... Jeff Brockleman from Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX. He, his wife Shelly and younger daughter, Tia have moved to SC. Their older daughter, Torie and her husband are leading worship in Chicago. Their only son Tyler lives in California and leads worship there. They are a Godly family and so talented. Our former Worship Pastor Brian Hurry, resigned, saying that he had some issues in his marriage to work through and he needed to make a change. We found out last night that Brian and Kim are separated and he has moved out.
Dear Lord.... what is happening?? I am so sad and heartbroken for my friends and I pray Father that they will seek your guidance and allow you to work in their marriages.
I'm gonna close for now and go to bed in a bit. Meredith is on Choir tour this next week in TN and Ronnie is leaving in the morning for KY, it will just be just me and the furry babies.
Until next time////
Things are some better around here, still an occasional attitude and smart remark, and there are times
that it still bothers me, but I have let God help me with my feelings.
Meredith took her Praxis II and she found out on Friday of this past week, that she passed!! She also found out that she is on the Chancellor's List again. She was so thrilled and now she is waiting for her score on the last test she took. If all goes according to plan,she will student teach at Carlisle in the Fall and graduate with honors in December. We are so proud of her, she has worked so very hard for this. Praying that she will be permanently placed at Carlisle.
We have had some major changes take place at The Mill. Kevin Harrison (Chief) resigned as Associate Pastor and he and his family have left the Mill. It seems that Susan was having an affair with Kevin's sister's husband, and Chief, being the wonderful, Godly man that he is.... he forgave her and they are getting counselling to work things out.
We now have a new Worship Pastor.... Jeff Brockleman from Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX. He, his wife Shelly and younger daughter, Tia have moved to SC. Their older daughter, Torie and her husband are leading worship in Chicago. Their only son Tyler lives in California and leads worship there. They are a Godly family and so talented. Our former Worship Pastor Brian Hurry, resigned, saying that he had some issues in his marriage to work through and he needed to make a change. We found out last night that Brian and Kim are separated and he has moved out.
Dear Lord.... what is happening?? I am so sad and heartbroken for my friends and I pray Father that they will seek your guidance and allow you to work in their marriages.
I'm gonna close for now and go to bed in a bit. Meredith is on Choir tour this next week in TN and Ronnie is leaving in the morning for KY, it will just be just me and the furry babies.
Until next time////
Monday, March 28, 2016
LET IT GO....
I have to vent.... I don't want this to sound as if I'm paranoid or sensitive, but there are some things
that I don't like.
Ronnie and Meredith are still making their little snide comments and giving each other these little looks. It's like I'm on the outside of their little circle. They talk about things that I don't even know about. If I ask, they ignore me. If I start to say something, they interrupt or they say they don't really care. Meredith is really bad about talking smart or calling me down! Her dad farts at the table (so does she), or slides down in his recliner and farts and stinks the entire room up, and she never calls him down. Tonight, my stomach was a little upset and I had gas, and you would have thought I had farted out loud in church. My gosh.... I went for over a year and could not fart, because of the problems I was having with diarrhea, it's actually a relief to be able to pass gas. It's a constant pick, complain or criticize.
Yesterday was Easter Sunday (3/27/16), and we had to sing for all 3 services and be there, in our seat, by 7:45am. It was raining and cold, but we were doing great on the time. However, for some reason, Ronnie was driving like a maniac (as usual). He was in the left lane, that bears to the right to go to 26 and to the church or you can stay straight and go to Greenville. Well, for some unknown reason, he stayed in the lane to go straight, and I told him that he needed to watch where he was going, and he said "I'm in the groove!" Oh no he wasn't, he ran over the markers in the road that let you know you've missed the turn and then into a big hole. We bumped up and down and then he finally got back into the lane. The tire pressure light came on, and half way over the bridge to get down on 26.... the left rear tire went flat. I didn't mention until later, that my foot had gone up under the dash. I have a bruise on the top of my foot. But that's not the bad part.... the rim is bent and the spare looks like it came off of a junk heap!! We called Justin, he came and picked us up and we were at church in plenty of time. SO THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM TO BE DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT!!
He says, that the light from my mirror had blinded him and that the car in the right lane had tried to cut him off!! HE IS SO FULL OF SHIT AND HE WILL NEVER EVER TAKE THE BLAME FOR HIS STUPIDIY!! MY TIRE IS FLAT AND THE RIM IS BENT, and if I had been driving, he would still be raising hell. Did Miss Sissy say anything? Oh hell no, but she would have been chewing me out too!!
Now to the neighbors. I know that I said some really horrible things, a few weeks back, when Mindy was cussing at Jeff, yelling and screaming about Meredith's classmates parking over in their yard. I should have just left for my LBJ dinner, and not have gone over there. But, Meredith was so upset and embarrassed, and this was the second time that Mindy had made a big scene in front of Meredith's friends, even going so far as to call some of them "niggers!" I really tried to talk to Mindy, but she started screaming and cussing and beating on the inside of my car window. I let myself get pulled down, I lost control and I AM SO SO VERY SORRY!! I have apologized, Mindy apologized, and I apologized to Jeff in a text message, because I haven't seen him. I spoke to them at Phoenix's party and I have waved to them from the porch. I even sent them an anniversary text. Today Parker was swinging Rush outside. I called out.... "Hey Parker!" I said it twice, then I kind of yelled it. He looked at me and said.... "What?" I yelled it again and waved, he just turned his head and mumbled "hey." Another thing, Justin and Jordan act like I have upset them, but I can't think of anything. Then.... I realized.... they are upset and embarrassed about what happened and the things I said.
I WAS WRONG.... I AM SO SORRY!! I am not perfect, I lost control.
PLEASE DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER.... PLEASE FORGIVE ME.... I WAS WRONG.... I AM SO SORRY.
that I don't like.
Ronnie and Meredith are still making their little snide comments and giving each other these little looks. It's like I'm on the outside of their little circle. They talk about things that I don't even know about. If I ask, they ignore me. If I start to say something, they interrupt or they say they don't really care. Meredith is really bad about talking smart or calling me down! Her dad farts at the table (so does she), or slides down in his recliner and farts and stinks the entire room up, and she never calls him down. Tonight, my stomach was a little upset and I had gas, and you would have thought I had farted out loud in church. My gosh.... I went for over a year and could not fart, because of the problems I was having with diarrhea, it's actually a relief to be able to pass gas. It's a constant pick, complain or criticize.
Yesterday was Easter Sunday (3/27/16), and we had to sing for all 3 services and be there, in our seat, by 7:45am. It was raining and cold, but we were doing great on the time. However, for some reason, Ronnie was driving like a maniac (as usual). He was in the left lane, that bears to the right to go to 26 and to the church or you can stay straight and go to Greenville. Well, for some unknown reason, he stayed in the lane to go straight, and I told him that he needed to watch where he was going, and he said "I'm in the groove!" Oh no he wasn't, he ran over the markers in the road that let you know you've missed the turn and then into a big hole. We bumped up and down and then he finally got back into the lane. The tire pressure light came on, and half way over the bridge to get down on 26.... the left rear tire went flat. I didn't mention until later, that my foot had gone up under the dash. I have a bruise on the top of my foot. But that's not the bad part.... the rim is bent and the spare looks like it came off of a junk heap!! We called Justin, he came and picked us up and we were at church in plenty of time. SO THERE WAS NO REASON FOR HIM TO BE DRIVING LIKE AN IDIOT!!
He says, that the light from my mirror had blinded him and that the car in the right lane had tried to cut him off!! HE IS SO FULL OF SHIT AND HE WILL NEVER EVER TAKE THE BLAME FOR HIS STUPIDIY!! MY TIRE IS FLAT AND THE RIM IS BENT, and if I had been driving, he would still be raising hell. Did Miss Sissy say anything? Oh hell no, but she would have been chewing me out too!!
Now to the neighbors. I know that I said some really horrible things, a few weeks back, when Mindy was cussing at Jeff, yelling and screaming about Meredith's classmates parking over in their yard. I should have just left for my LBJ dinner, and not have gone over there. But, Meredith was so upset and embarrassed, and this was the second time that Mindy had made a big scene in front of Meredith's friends, even going so far as to call some of them "niggers!" I really tried to talk to Mindy, but she started screaming and cussing and beating on the inside of my car window. I let myself get pulled down, I lost control and I AM SO SO VERY SORRY!! I have apologized, Mindy apologized, and I apologized to Jeff in a text message, because I haven't seen him. I spoke to them at Phoenix's party and I have waved to them from the porch. I even sent them an anniversary text. Today Parker was swinging Rush outside. I called out.... "Hey Parker!" I said it twice, then I kind of yelled it. He looked at me and said.... "What?" I yelled it again and waved, he just turned his head and mumbled "hey." Another thing, Justin and Jordan act like I have upset them, but I can't think of anything. Then.... I realized.... they are upset and embarrassed about what happened and the things I said.
I WAS WRONG.... I AM SO SORRY!! I am not perfect, I lost control.
PLEASE DEAR HEAVENLY FATHER.... PLEASE FORGIVE ME.... I WAS WRONG.... I AM SO SORRY.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
2016.... You have to be better than last year....
It's 8 minutes past nine o'clock on New Year's Eve. In about 3 hours we will begin a new year.... 2016.
If I were to really think about time, it could be depressing and a little scary. But, I'm just glad to still be here. I am so thankful for the Lord's blessings.... my family and friends, my precious fur babies, a beautiful home, a really nice car. Food and clothing and the awesome way He provided for us, even when I did not get my disability. He knows, it's in His plan. I can apply for early retirement and began to receive social security benefits, and of course that will be a big help. So.... I trust the Lord. I may not understand His timing, but He will provide.
Christmas 2015 was awesome. My family came on the 19th, with the exception of Justin and Jordan, and Casey and Jott. All of the kids had a ball and we just enjoyed watching them. On Christmas Eve, the Walls came, with the exception of John, Roberta and Cass. Roberta has alzheimers, and even though she has been on a new med that has kept the progression of the disease to a slower pace, when it finally stops working, she then progresses to the stage that she would already be. It's sad, knowing that Christmas 2014, will probably be the last time we see her.
Also, Pudge is in the CCU at Regional, but we don't know anything that is going on. All of this time, we were under the impression that his not keeping in touch with us, was Casey's decision. However, we have found out that it's his decision. Looking back, I should have realized it, because he never returned phone messages or text messages but I just couldn't believe it. We have been through so much, good and bad, over the last 41 years. I was shocked and very angry that he would just throw all of that time away, but whatever. He never stood up for himself and when the divorce was finalized, he chose to stay in the past, grieving over his loss, and not making any effort to move on. I know for a fact that it's not easy, but you have to go forward, to move on with your life.
A week or so before Christmas, my cousin Deana, text me and said that she and the kids were packed up and coming this way, could they stay here with us for a few days? I already knew that this was going to cause a big problem, but Ronnie was trying to be so caring, because she and Jeff are separated, and he knows that they were going through so much, and probably needed a break.
I won't go into much detail, because quite frankly, I am still reeling from her visit, and believe you me, my home will never be open to her ever again. First of all, it's about a 4.5 hour trip and they left at 1:00pm, or so. After several phone calls to get them back on the right road (they have a GPS), they came rolling in about 9:30pm. When she finally got out of the car, she looked like some wild woman, with her red hair all frizzy and sticking out all over her head.
For 2.5 days.... Ronnie prepared 3 meals a day and Meredith cleaned. She also picked up behind the 3 of them and did their laundry!! Who the hell goes to someone's house to visit and has the host do their laundry and wait on them hand and foot? They ate our food and snacks and drank our soft drinks, when all of the time they had their own stash in their room!! Deana has a yeast infection and everywhere she walked or sat, there was powder everywhere!!
Here's the kicker.... she talked non-stop, without a breath, the entire time she was here. We couldn't follow anything she was talking about, because she was talking about people we didn't know and she relived every conversation she had ever had with these people. She would be talking, and suddenly she would drop down to a whisper, as if someone was going to overhear what she was saying. She even fell asleep right in the middle of one of her stories, but her mouth was open and she was still moving her lips. OMG.... we all kept counting down the hours until they would leave.
While they were here, she opened and rummaged through the closet in Justin's old room and in mama's bathroom. Then she would call the kids to the side and whisper. We found out the reason, after they left.... Meredith's little gold plated, engraved birthstone bracelet, that my mama gave her, is missing. It's not the monetary value, but the sentimental value and just the principal of the thing.
People drive me up the wall, even my own family at times, but for someone to invite themselves into your home, eat you out of house and home, take advantage of your hospitality and then steal from you.... NEVER EVER AGAIN!! Not no, but HELL NO!! I'm finished.
2016.... has to be a better year....
If I were to really think about time, it could be depressing and a little scary. But, I'm just glad to still be here. I am so thankful for the Lord's blessings.... my family and friends, my precious fur babies, a beautiful home, a really nice car. Food and clothing and the awesome way He provided for us, even when I did not get my disability. He knows, it's in His plan. I can apply for early retirement and began to receive social security benefits, and of course that will be a big help. So.... I trust the Lord. I may not understand His timing, but He will provide.
Christmas 2015 was awesome. My family came on the 19th, with the exception of Justin and Jordan, and Casey and Jott. All of the kids had a ball and we just enjoyed watching them. On Christmas Eve, the Walls came, with the exception of John, Roberta and Cass. Roberta has alzheimers, and even though she has been on a new med that has kept the progression of the disease to a slower pace, when it finally stops working, she then progresses to the stage that she would already be. It's sad, knowing that Christmas 2014, will probably be the last time we see her.
Also, Pudge is in the CCU at Regional, but we don't know anything that is going on. All of this time, we were under the impression that his not keeping in touch with us, was Casey's decision. However, we have found out that it's his decision. Looking back, I should have realized it, because he never returned phone messages or text messages but I just couldn't believe it. We have been through so much, good and bad, over the last 41 years. I was shocked and very angry that he would just throw all of that time away, but whatever. He never stood up for himself and when the divorce was finalized, he chose to stay in the past, grieving over his loss, and not making any effort to move on. I know for a fact that it's not easy, but you have to go forward, to move on with your life.
A week or so before Christmas, my cousin Deana, text me and said that she and the kids were packed up and coming this way, could they stay here with us for a few days? I already knew that this was going to cause a big problem, but Ronnie was trying to be so caring, because she and Jeff are separated, and he knows that they were going through so much, and probably needed a break.
I won't go into much detail, because quite frankly, I am still reeling from her visit, and believe you me, my home will never be open to her ever again. First of all, it's about a 4.5 hour trip and they left at 1:00pm, or so. After several phone calls to get them back on the right road (they have a GPS), they came rolling in about 9:30pm. When she finally got out of the car, she looked like some wild woman, with her red hair all frizzy and sticking out all over her head.
For 2.5 days.... Ronnie prepared 3 meals a day and Meredith cleaned. She also picked up behind the 3 of them and did their laundry!! Who the hell goes to someone's house to visit and has the host do their laundry and wait on them hand and foot? They ate our food and snacks and drank our soft drinks, when all of the time they had their own stash in their room!! Deana has a yeast infection and everywhere she walked or sat, there was powder everywhere!!
Here's the kicker.... she talked non-stop, without a breath, the entire time she was here. We couldn't follow anything she was talking about, because she was talking about people we didn't know and she relived every conversation she had ever had with these people. She would be talking, and suddenly she would drop down to a whisper, as if someone was going to overhear what she was saying. She even fell asleep right in the middle of one of her stories, but her mouth was open and she was still moving her lips. OMG.... we all kept counting down the hours until they would leave.
While they were here, she opened and rummaged through the closet in Justin's old room and in mama's bathroom. Then she would call the kids to the side and whisper. We found out the reason, after they left.... Meredith's little gold plated, engraved birthstone bracelet, that my mama gave her, is missing. It's not the monetary value, but the sentimental value and just the principal of the thing.
People drive me up the wall, even my own family at times, but for someone to invite themselves into your home, eat you out of house and home, take advantage of your hospitality and then steal from you.... NEVER EVER AGAIN!! Not no, but HELL NO!! I'm finished.
2016.... has to be a better year....
Friday, December 11, 2015
Tis the Season
We're just a few days away from Christmas 2015. It seems like only yesterday that we were anticipating Christmas 2014.
Physically, this year has been so difficult. I have been so sick from the pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia, that I haven't felt well enough to go anywhere. I have not been able to go to church for so many weeks, that I'm not even in the choir. Since Thanksgiving, I have had asthmatic bronchitis and have pulled another muscle in my tummy, coughing so violently. Unfortunately, the outcome is similar to before, but not as serious. I did have my Pro-time checked, and the count is great (3.1), but I need to keep a watch on the bruising. I am so exhausted.
On the upside.... I have been able to go with Ronnie on two out of town service calls. The first trip, we went to Tennessee, Indiana, Ohio and Kentucky. While in Kentucky, we were able to have dinner with my dear friend, Pam. This past week, we went to Virginia, you know, the state "for lovers." We had such a wonderful time, both trips. It was very relaxing.... I missed Meredith and the babies, but it was great. I hope to be able to do that more often.
Also, Meredith finished up her final exam on Thursday, and she is now officially a college Senior!! Her professors have commented on what an excellent student she is, and that she is a natural teacher. We are so proud of her accomplishments, and the fact that she is a wonderful young woman.
Lord, I give you the praise and the glory for all that you have blessed us with. I pray for your protection, over us all, and for your guidance. Forgive me Lord for my failures and continue to lead me in the way you want me to go.
Physically, this year has been so difficult. I have been so sick from the pain and fatigue of fibromyalgia, that I haven't felt well enough to go anywhere. I have not been able to go to church for so many weeks, that I'm not even in the choir. Since Thanksgiving, I have had asthmatic bronchitis and have pulled another muscle in my tummy, coughing so violently. Unfortunately, the outcome is similar to before, but not as serious. I did have my Pro-time checked, and the count is great (3.1), but I need to keep a watch on the bruising. I am so exhausted.
On the upside.... I have been able to go with Ronnie on two out of town service calls. The first trip, we went to Tennessee, Indiana, Ohio and Kentucky. While in Kentucky, we were able to have dinner with my dear friend, Pam. This past week, we went to Virginia, you know, the state "for lovers." We had such a wonderful time, both trips. It was very relaxing.... I missed Meredith and the babies, but it was great. I hope to be able to do that more often.
Also, Meredith finished up her final exam on Thursday, and she is now officially a college Senior!! Her professors have commented on what an excellent student she is, and that she is a natural teacher. We are so proud of her accomplishments, and the fact that she is a wonderful young woman.
Lord, I give you the praise and the glory for all that you have blessed us with. I pray for your protection, over us all, and for your guidance. Forgive me Lord for my failures and continue to lead me in the way you want me to go.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes....
It's 12:30am Thanksgiving morning and I'm sitting here waiting for my
meds to kick in and watching my favorite movie.... "My Cousin Vinny."
Yesterday I worked in my "office" and actually made a little progress
getting things put in their place. We moved my desk a few weeks back,
out of the front of the house and put it in Meredith's old room. Ronnie
didn't like the way it looked. The front room looks very inviting now
and I will have my own little space to keep the way I want.
Ronnie decided to sell his trains and some of his cars. A guy came this
morning and bought some of his cars. I'm not sure how much he got,
but the first thing he did was, tear his train set down and then went to
Lowe's and bought some wood, to build work benches and make his
hobby room bigger. Of course he and money are soon parted, and it's
always spent on whatever he wants to spend it on. We have to stick
to the budget, and we better not go and buy anything. He actually
complained about ordering Meredith's college ring. Bless her heart,
she works like a damn dog and she offered to pay for half of the cost
of the ring!! OMG!! She did shop around on the internet and found
the ring for much less than she would have had to pay through the
school. That's the way Meredith does things anyway, she shops around
for bargains. No matter what, she's got his back.
I was so pissed, because it's always money. He even gripes, because of
the cost of my meds.... asshole. I have tried very hard not to say anything
that will cause a fuss, because they bitch and gripe enough as it is. But,
I took $40 dollars out of his wallet, and this may come back to bite me in
the ass. I'm sure there will surely be a big blow out, but I don't care.
I've been needing some Sunday shoes for a good while. I have been wearing
Meredith's Danskos for a couple of years, but she wants them back to wear
when she starts teaching, so I'm going to go and buy me some fucking shoes.
meds to kick in and watching my favorite movie.... "My Cousin Vinny."
Yesterday I worked in my "office" and actually made a little progress
getting things put in their place. We moved my desk a few weeks back,
out of the front of the house and put it in Meredith's old room. Ronnie
didn't like the way it looked. The front room looks very inviting now
and I will have my own little space to keep the way I want.
Ronnie decided to sell his trains and some of his cars. A guy came this
morning and bought some of his cars. I'm not sure how much he got,
but the first thing he did was, tear his train set down and then went to
Lowe's and bought some wood, to build work benches and make his
hobby room bigger. Of course he and money are soon parted, and it's
always spent on whatever he wants to spend it on. We have to stick
to the budget, and we better not go and buy anything. He actually
complained about ordering Meredith's college ring. Bless her heart,
she works like a damn dog and she offered to pay for half of the cost
of the ring!! OMG!! She did shop around on the internet and found
the ring for much less than she would have had to pay through the
school. That's the way Meredith does things anyway, she shops around
for bargains. No matter what, she's got his back.
I was so pissed, because it's always money. He even gripes, because of
the cost of my meds.... asshole. I have tried very hard not to say anything
that will cause a fuss, because they bitch and gripe enough as it is. But,
I took $40 dollars out of his wallet, and this may come back to bite me in
the ass. I'm sure there will surely be a big blow out, but I don't care.
I've been needing some Sunday shoes for a good while. I have been wearing
Meredith's Danskos for a couple of years, but she wants them back to wear
when she starts teaching, so I'm going to go and buy me some fucking shoes.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
YOU NEED TO....
It's very late and I may not post everything I would like to say, but here we go....
Things are very confusing at times. There have been times when there are no little smart remarks or rumblings and we actually get along. Then of course.... things go back to normal or abnormal, depends on how you look at it.
Because I have gained 30 pounds, since last year's 68 pound loss, the topic of every day is.... losing weight, cutting down portions and exercising. Every days it's.... "You need to cut back your portions." "You need to get up and walk or, do some kind of exercise." Oh, I agree, but they know as well as I do that, my thyroid dosage was lowered, and that always leads to weight gain. Dr Tuttle even apologized for not listening to me.
For now, I'll end with the things they say or do.... I'm hurt, but mostly I'm angry!!
"We don't really care."
"We live with an old person."
"You don't need a second helping."
"It doesn't matter if we eat cookies and chips in front of you."
"You will have to eat what we eat, just smaller portions. We're not cooking anything different for you."
And the ultimate slap in the face....
When Ronnie is traveling and he calls me on Face Time.... He looks into the camera and actually blows out his cheeks to make his face bigger, mocking me, and never paying attention to what I'm even saying.
He's in Georgia tonight, and he was blowing out his cheeks while I was trying to talk to him, it really pisses me off. I'm suppose to call him at 8:30 to wake him up,,,, bullshit, he can get his self up.
I'm very tired.... So so tired.
Things are very confusing at times. There have been times when there are no little smart remarks or rumblings and we actually get along. Then of course.... things go back to normal or abnormal, depends on how you look at it.
Because I have gained 30 pounds, since last year's 68 pound loss, the topic of every day is.... losing weight, cutting down portions and exercising. Every days it's.... "You need to cut back your portions." "You need to get up and walk or, do some kind of exercise." Oh, I agree, but they know as well as I do that, my thyroid dosage was lowered, and that always leads to weight gain. Dr Tuttle even apologized for not listening to me.
For now, I'll end with the things they say or do.... I'm hurt, but mostly I'm angry!!
"We don't really care."
"We live with an old person."
"You don't need a second helping."
"It doesn't matter if we eat cookies and chips in front of you."
"You will have to eat what we eat, just smaller portions. We're not cooking anything different for you."
And the ultimate slap in the face....
When Ronnie is traveling and he calls me on Face Time.... He looks into the camera and actually blows out his cheeks to make his face bigger, mocking me, and never paying attention to what I'm even saying.
He's in Georgia tonight, and he was blowing out his cheeks while I was trying to talk to him, it really pisses me off. I'm suppose to call him at 8:30 to wake him up,,,, bullshit, he can get his self up.
I'm very tired.... So so tired.
Friday, September 18, 2015
HAVE YOU EVER HAD....?
I posted on FB.... "Have you ever had one of those days, that leads into one of those weeks, that
seems to be leading into the weekend and into another week?" Well by golly.... I have!!
There are still the snippy little comments and their reply is "I was just kidding!" Okay, I was saying the other night at dinner, that happy people live longer, and Meredith looked at her dad and said.... "I guess you had better pray for her to die!" She was kidding? Seriously?
Then there are the same old tired comments, the little looks and the smirks. I have more of these remarks posted on my phones, but it's charging, so I'm posting this from memory. I just don't get it. I know that I can be annoying and bitchy.... I am so sorry, but give me a break. Meredith is forever complaining about my swallowing too loudly. I looked this up, and there is a actually a problem that happens between the ages of 10 and 12 years old, where a person is more sensitive to people chewing and swallowing. That's in my phone too, I guess I will make corrections later.
My knees hurt so badly.... I am so tired and I have been having times when my eyes begin to feel strangely, my vision blurs a little and, my left eye droops, for a few seconds and then I feel dizzy. This all passes, with the exception of the knee pain, in a brief few minutes, so pardon me if I'm not always in a good mood.
Well.... to add insult to injury.... we had an incident to happen with the neighbors. For whatever reason, Mindy decided to buy another dog, a 2 year old chihuahua/terrier mix. Now why in the world do they need another dog? Poor Tater is locked in the laundry room, they allowed poor little Duke to die of dehydration and sun exposer, and Chief ran off and was killed by a car. Not exactly a great track record when it comes to pets, but now we have Cam.
Parker has always been challenging in fact he needs a good ass whipping and sent to his room, with the exception of meals and bathroom breaks and school attendance. No tv, no football, absolutely no activities with the exception of chores.
Parker picks on Petey all of the time. He will call Pete into the fence at the patio, locks the gate and then teases him. He takes things away from Pete and makes Pete chase after him. Poor baby, he thinks Parker is playing with him, instead of being a little ass. Pete is a big baby, and would never deliberately hurt anybody. Pete and Parker have rolled around on the ground, and Pete being a male, would always try and hump Parker. We kept telling Parker not to roll around on the ground or put himself in a position for Pete to hump, but one day, Parker didn't listen, which is the norm for him, and Pete scratched him. So we had Pete neutered and he doesn't hump anymore, but they are always calling Pete next door and Parker picks on him.
On Sunday, Parker was walking Cam up and down the road and Pete ran down to play with Parker and Cam. The rest of the story is hearsay.... Pete supposedly jumped Parker and was trying to get to Cam. Parker started screaming and kicking Pete. Jeff ran and started kicking Pete and hitting him and pulled Pete off of Parker. Apparently the situation was so loud, that the neighbor across the woods came to investigate. When I opened the door to call Pete and So in, Jeff was standing on my porch and he told me to get Pete or he was going to kill him. He said that Pete had jumped Parker and scratched him really badly under his arm and all down his side and he had a busted lip. I apologized and brought Pete inside.
A few minutes later, Jeff came back and apologized for being rude, and I told him that I certainly understood his being upset and I'm sure Pete wasn't trying to hurt Parker, he was just wanting to play, and I believe this. If Pete were vicious, he would have hurt or killed Sophia.... we would never trust him with Phoenix.... and as badly as it hurts to say.... he would not still be here. He could have badly hurt Parker on many occasions, but Pete IS NOT VICIOUS!! While Jeff and I were still talking, Parker walked in with no shirt on. I asked him to let me see how badly he was hurt.... he turned and raised his arm. OMG!! OMG!! There were two very tiny scratches under his arm and there was a little place on his lip, you could barely see it. Those tiny scratches could not have been made by Pete and they actually did not look recent, there was very little bleeding. I honestly think that Parker started yelling at Pete and kicking him and Cam scratched him trying to climb up on his shoulder. JEFF LIED TO MY FACE IN MY HOUSE!! This was blown out of proportion and as usual Pete gets the blame. Even though Ronnie has repeatedly told Parker to leave Pete alone and we have asked him not to run or roll around with Pete, HE DOES NOT LISTEN!!
Mindy called on Monday and said that Meredith had been very rude to her, when she came over to get Pete, AFTER THEY CALLED HIM OVER!! Actually she ignored Mindy and told Pete for them to get home before he gets in trouble again. Jeff told Justin that he was upset because Ronnie had not called and apologized.... what is he.... a girl? Jeff also told Justin that if we don't keep Pete up and there is another incident.... they are going to call animal control. ANIMAL CONTROL.... will not give us a warning, Pete is a Pit and there is an incident involving a child.... THEY WILL PUT MY BABY DOWN!! He is not vicious.... he is not aggressive.... he is a big baby and he just wanted to play.
Well.... I am finished with them and all of their drama and Mindy always making trouble!! I have been letting the pups out during the day when Parker is in school, but let them out on the patio until they all go back inside. It's getting cooler, so pretty soon, we will not see them at all. They can stay in their yard and we will stay here in ours. I do not intent to play nice and smile and play pat-a-cake and kissy ass.... oh hell no.... they better just stay home.
I've got news for them.... the land they travel on to get to their home, is mine!! I have granted them ingress and egress into their property and I can make it very difficult for them to get home!! Don't push me.... don't threaten me or mine.... stay the hell away from here and we will do the same.
Oh yeah.... Ronnie did call Jeff and they talked. Ronnie got the impression that what I say happened, actually did happen, and that Parker is blowing everything out of proportion. He hasn't actually said everything that was discussed, but it doesn't matter to me.... I do not want any harm to come to them and I will still pray for them.... but I AM THROUGH....
seems to be leading into the weekend and into another week?" Well by golly.... I have!!
There are still the snippy little comments and their reply is "I was just kidding!" Okay, I was saying the other night at dinner, that happy people live longer, and Meredith looked at her dad and said.... "I guess you had better pray for her to die!" She was kidding? Seriously?
Then there are the same old tired comments, the little looks and the smirks. I have more of these remarks posted on my phones, but it's charging, so I'm posting this from memory. I just don't get it. I know that I can be annoying and bitchy.... I am so sorry, but give me a break. Meredith is forever complaining about my swallowing too loudly. I looked this up, and there is a actually a problem that happens between the ages of 10 and 12 years old, where a person is more sensitive to people chewing and swallowing. That's in my phone too, I guess I will make corrections later.
My knees hurt so badly.... I am so tired and I have been having times when my eyes begin to feel strangely, my vision blurs a little and, my left eye droops, for a few seconds and then I feel dizzy. This all passes, with the exception of the knee pain, in a brief few minutes, so pardon me if I'm not always in a good mood.
Well.... to add insult to injury.... we had an incident to happen with the neighbors. For whatever reason, Mindy decided to buy another dog, a 2 year old chihuahua/terrier mix. Now why in the world do they need another dog? Poor Tater is locked in the laundry room, they allowed poor little Duke to die of dehydration and sun exposer, and Chief ran off and was killed by a car. Not exactly a great track record when it comes to pets, but now we have Cam.
Parker has always been challenging in fact he needs a good ass whipping and sent to his room, with the exception of meals and bathroom breaks and school attendance. No tv, no football, absolutely no activities with the exception of chores.
Parker picks on Petey all of the time. He will call Pete into the fence at the patio, locks the gate and then teases him. He takes things away from Pete and makes Pete chase after him. Poor baby, he thinks Parker is playing with him, instead of being a little ass. Pete is a big baby, and would never deliberately hurt anybody. Pete and Parker have rolled around on the ground, and Pete being a male, would always try and hump Parker. We kept telling Parker not to roll around on the ground or put himself in a position for Pete to hump, but one day, Parker didn't listen, which is the norm for him, and Pete scratched him. So we had Pete neutered and he doesn't hump anymore, but they are always calling Pete next door and Parker picks on him.
On Sunday, Parker was walking Cam up and down the road and Pete ran down to play with Parker and Cam. The rest of the story is hearsay.... Pete supposedly jumped Parker and was trying to get to Cam. Parker started screaming and kicking Pete. Jeff ran and started kicking Pete and hitting him and pulled Pete off of Parker. Apparently the situation was so loud, that the neighbor across the woods came to investigate. When I opened the door to call Pete and So in, Jeff was standing on my porch and he told me to get Pete or he was going to kill him. He said that Pete had jumped Parker and scratched him really badly under his arm and all down his side and he had a busted lip. I apologized and brought Pete inside.
A few minutes later, Jeff came back and apologized for being rude, and I told him that I certainly understood his being upset and I'm sure Pete wasn't trying to hurt Parker, he was just wanting to play, and I believe this. If Pete were vicious, he would have hurt or killed Sophia.... we would never trust him with Phoenix.... and as badly as it hurts to say.... he would not still be here. He could have badly hurt Parker on many occasions, but Pete IS NOT VICIOUS!! While Jeff and I were still talking, Parker walked in with no shirt on. I asked him to let me see how badly he was hurt.... he turned and raised his arm. OMG!! OMG!! There were two very tiny scratches under his arm and there was a little place on his lip, you could barely see it. Those tiny scratches could not have been made by Pete and they actually did not look recent, there was very little bleeding. I honestly think that Parker started yelling at Pete and kicking him and Cam scratched him trying to climb up on his shoulder. JEFF LIED TO MY FACE IN MY HOUSE!! This was blown out of proportion and as usual Pete gets the blame. Even though Ronnie has repeatedly told Parker to leave Pete alone and we have asked him not to run or roll around with Pete, HE DOES NOT LISTEN!!
Mindy called on Monday and said that Meredith had been very rude to her, when she came over to get Pete, AFTER THEY CALLED HIM OVER!! Actually she ignored Mindy and told Pete for them to get home before he gets in trouble again. Jeff told Justin that he was upset because Ronnie had not called and apologized.... what is he.... a girl? Jeff also told Justin that if we don't keep Pete up and there is another incident.... they are going to call animal control. ANIMAL CONTROL.... will not give us a warning, Pete is a Pit and there is an incident involving a child.... THEY WILL PUT MY BABY DOWN!! He is not vicious.... he is not aggressive.... he is a big baby and he just wanted to play.
Well.... I am finished with them and all of their drama and Mindy always making trouble!! I have been letting the pups out during the day when Parker is in school, but let them out on the patio until they all go back inside. It's getting cooler, so pretty soon, we will not see them at all. They can stay in their yard and we will stay here in ours. I do not intent to play nice and smile and play pat-a-cake and kissy ass.... oh hell no.... they better just stay home.
I've got news for them.... the land they travel on to get to their home, is mine!! I have granted them ingress and egress into their property and I can make it very difficult for them to get home!! Don't push me.... don't threaten me or mine.... stay the hell away from here and we will do the same.
Oh yeah.... Ronnie did call Jeff and they talked. Ronnie got the impression that what I say happened, actually did happen, and that Parker is blowing everything out of proportion. He hasn't actually said everything that was discussed, but it doesn't matter to me.... I do not want any harm to come to them and I will still pray for them.... but I AM THROUGH....
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
New Relationships
I'm not sure what the title of this page should be. Through the loss of my dear friend, Wendell.... I was able to connect with two of his sons, Kent and Jesse and his wife, Melissa.
It's strange though.... I had no idea that Wendell had a FB page, we could have been able to communicate more. Kent accepted my friend request almost immediately, and I was able to put a face to the name. He looks so much like his dad, only he is a bigger man. Maybe we can connect in some way. Haven't heard from Melissa or Jesse, but I think Jesse will be the one to have the hardest time. Wendell was so proud of Jesse, and so in love. He had his daddy's heart.
I was able to see a picture of Melissa and to see an up-dated picture of Jesse. He is a very nice looking young man, he has dark hair and dark eyes, not Wendell's coloring, but he has his look.
I have a copy of Wendell's obituary and some pictures from Kent's FB page. The oldest picture of Wendell was the Wendell I remember and the man I will always remember. He was always so sure of himself, like my Ronnie. The second picture was of Wendell, Jesse and Kent, they were standing in front of a mantle that was decorated with candles and flowers, some type of ceremony or celebration. The third picture really hurts my heart. It's a more recent picture of Wendell and Jesse, and you can see how ill Wendell was.
We have our hope planted firmly in Jesus Christ, and we know that our loved ones, who are children of the King, have been changed. There is "no more night, no more pain," and we will one day be reunited.
Praise the Lord....
It's strange though.... I had no idea that Wendell had a FB page, we could have been able to communicate more. Kent accepted my friend request almost immediately, and I was able to put a face to the name. He looks so much like his dad, only he is a bigger man. Maybe we can connect in some way. Haven't heard from Melissa or Jesse, but I think Jesse will be the one to have the hardest time. Wendell was so proud of Jesse, and so in love. He had his daddy's heart.
I was able to see a picture of Melissa and to see an up-dated picture of Jesse. He is a very nice looking young man, he has dark hair and dark eyes, not Wendell's coloring, but he has his look.
I have a copy of Wendell's obituary and some pictures from Kent's FB page. The oldest picture of Wendell was the Wendell I remember and the man I will always remember. He was always so sure of himself, like my Ronnie. The second picture was of Wendell, Jesse and Kent, they were standing in front of a mantle that was decorated with candles and flowers, some type of ceremony or celebration. The third picture really hurts my heart. It's a more recent picture of Wendell and Jesse, and you can see how ill Wendell was.
We have our hope planted firmly in Jesus Christ, and we know that our loved ones, who are children of the King, have been changed. There is "no more night, no more pain," and we will one day be reunited.
Praise the Lord....
Monday, August 31, 2015
My Freind Wendell
This afternoon, I received a call that I have dreaded. Melissa called to tell me that Wendell had passed away.
Wendell and I first met in 1970 at my daddy's garage on Asheville Highway. I started working there during the summers to help daddy out and, as I found out later, to keep me out of trouble. I was standing in the office, looking out of the window that looked out into the shop. I saw a big man, with a not so friendly face, walking across the shop. He jerked open the office door and said in a surly voice.... "Where's Johnny?" I turned around and glared at him and snapped.... "Out in the shop!" He shut the door and it suddenly dawned on me.... that was Wendell Wiggins. Suddenly the door opened and the man stuck his head in the door and said.... "You're Johnny's daughter." I replied.... "You're Wendell Wiggins." He smiled and it was love at first sight.
I had been hearing about Wendell Wiggins for several months, and I knew that he was quite a character. After that chance meeting in the office at Superior Diesel .... I found out, he was! He had the most amazing laugh and his face would light up when he laughed. His eyes were icy blue, his voice was quiet, but when he spoke, you listened.
Even though there was a 17 year age difference, we had a special bond. He was so intelligent, and he loved to read, one of the many things we had in common. Driving a truck had allowed Wendell to see so many different places and meet lots of interesting people. I always loved to hear my daddy, Pa and my uncles, tell the most hilarious "truck driving" stories, and Wendell loved telling "truck driving" stories too. Wendell always had a story, he was very opinionated and he loved to experience life. He actually moved to Australia for a year, to drive a truck! He also loved his boys.... Kent, Greg and Bo. Bo passed away many years later and he had recently told me that he and Greg were not on good terms. In later years, he married his 2nd wife, Melissa and they have a son, Jesse. This son, born in Wendell's later years, was the apple of his eye. Jesse was born with a nub for one of his lower legs and was eventually fitted with a prosthetic leg. As Wendell would say, Jesse never missed a step, he played basketball and whatever he set out to do, he accomplished. Wendell was so proud.
I could always make Wendell laugh, and I did so quite often, because I loved his laugh. He always made me laugh too, with all of his stories. I really think Wendell had a great deal of love and respect for me, even though I was just a kid. He said that I was a very smart young lady and he was amazed at how I could carry on an adult, intelligent conversation, but still have that little girl smile and that twinkle of mischief in my eyes.
He loved to take pictures and he always took pictures of me while we were talking. He said it helped him to remember my face and my smile. He could be so sweet like that.
Over the years life happened, and we lost contact with one another. I knew in my heart that our bond of friendship would always hold fast and that one day we would reconnect.
I never gave up on finding him and one day we did find each other again. It was just as I had thought, nothing had changed. Well, maybe a few things, but he was my Wendell, my friend. About 5 years ago, Meredith and I went to Alabama with Ronnie on a service call and he took me to see Wendell. I wanted two of the favorite men in my life to finally meet. We met at a restaurant and as we pulled into the parking place, I saw Wendell getting out of his car. My heart was beating so fast, I was so excited. He saw me and he smiled that smile. He was smaller and a little older, but he spoke, we embraced, and the years fell away.... this was my good friend.
Melissa told me that Wendell had a stroke over the weekend, and there was so much bleeding, there was nothing else they could do. She said that they had taken him off of the ventilator and she and Kent and Jesse stayed with him. He left this world and walked into the arms of Jesus, at 4:56pm on this day.... Sunday, August 30, 2015. My heart is heavy, I'm so sad.... my thoughts and prayers are with Melissa and his sons, and I pray that the Lord will comfort them and give them peace. Wendell was the kind of man, that when you met him, you would never forget him.
I will never forget him.... his smile, his laugh, our talks. He treated me with respect and he never once made me feel like I was not enough, smart enough.... pretty enough.... good enough. To him.... I was just enough. I can't travel to AL and Melissa understood this, she told me that Wendell would have wanted her to call me, he would want me to know. One day, if the Lord tarries His return, He will lead me into Heaven. I will see the beautiful faces of my family and the wonders and beauty of Heaven. Suddenly, I will hear this familiar voice saying.... "you're Johnny's daughter," and I'll look around and reply.... " you're Wendell Wiggins." He will smile that smile, we will hug and it will be as if nothing had ever changed.
I love you.... Wendell O'Neal Wiggins. You taught me so many things, you made me feel special, you made me laugh and today.... I cried.
Wendell and I first met in 1970 at my daddy's garage on Asheville Highway. I started working there during the summers to help daddy out and, as I found out later, to keep me out of trouble. I was standing in the office, looking out of the window that looked out into the shop. I saw a big man, with a not so friendly face, walking across the shop. He jerked open the office door and said in a surly voice.... "Where's Johnny?" I turned around and glared at him and snapped.... "Out in the shop!" He shut the door and it suddenly dawned on me.... that was Wendell Wiggins. Suddenly the door opened and the man stuck his head in the door and said.... "You're Johnny's daughter." I replied.... "You're Wendell Wiggins." He smiled and it was love at first sight.
I had been hearing about Wendell Wiggins for several months, and I knew that he was quite a character. After that chance meeting in the office at Superior Diesel .... I found out, he was! He had the most amazing laugh and his face would light up when he laughed. His eyes were icy blue, his voice was quiet, but when he spoke, you listened.
Even though there was a 17 year age difference, we had a special bond. He was so intelligent, and he loved to read, one of the many things we had in common. Driving a truck had allowed Wendell to see so many different places and meet lots of interesting people. I always loved to hear my daddy, Pa and my uncles, tell the most hilarious "truck driving" stories, and Wendell loved telling "truck driving" stories too. Wendell always had a story, he was very opinionated and he loved to experience life. He actually moved to Australia for a year, to drive a truck! He also loved his boys.... Kent, Greg and Bo. Bo passed away many years later and he had recently told me that he and Greg were not on good terms. In later years, he married his 2nd wife, Melissa and they have a son, Jesse. This son, born in Wendell's later years, was the apple of his eye. Jesse was born with a nub for one of his lower legs and was eventually fitted with a prosthetic leg. As Wendell would say, Jesse never missed a step, he played basketball and whatever he set out to do, he accomplished. Wendell was so proud.
I could always make Wendell laugh, and I did so quite often, because I loved his laugh. He always made me laugh too, with all of his stories. I really think Wendell had a great deal of love and respect for me, even though I was just a kid. He said that I was a very smart young lady and he was amazed at how I could carry on an adult, intelligent conversation, but still have that little girl smile and that twinkle of mischief in my eyes.
He loved to take pictures and he always took pictures of me while we were talking. He said it helped him to remember my face and my smile. He could be so sweet like that.
Over the years life happened, and we lost contact with one another. I knew in my heart that our bond of friendship would always hold fast and that one day we would reconnect.
I never gave up on finding him and one day we did find each other again. It was just as I had thought, nothing had changed. Well, maybe a few things, but he was my Wendell, my friend. About 5 years ago, Meredith and I went to Alabama with Ronnie on a service call and he took me to see Wendell. I wanted two of the favorite men in my life to finally meet. We met at a restaurant and as we pulled into the parking place, I saw Wendell getting out of his car. My heart was beating so fast, I was so excited. He saw me and he smiled that smile. He was smaller and a little older, but he spoke, we embraced, and the years fell away.... this was my good friend.
Melissa told me that Wendell had a stroke over the weekend, and there was so much bleeding, there was nothing else they could do. She said that they had taken him off of the ventilator and she and Kent and Jesse stayed with him. He left this world and walked into the arms of Jesus, at 4:56pm on this day.... Sunday, August 30, 2015. My heart is heavy, I'm so sad.... my thoughts and prayers are with Melissa and his sons, and I pray that the Lord will comfort them and give them peace. Wendell was the kind of man, that when you met him, you would never forget him.
I will never forget him.... his smile, his laugh, our talks. He treated me with respect and he never once made me feel like I was not enough, smart enough.... pretty enough.... good enough. To him.... I was just enough. I can't travel to AL and Melissa understood this, she told me that Wendell would have wanted her to call me, he would want me to know. One day, if the Lord tarries His return, He will lead me into Heaven. I will see the beautiful faces of my family and the wonders and beauty of Heaven. Suddenly, I will hear this familiar voice saying.... "you're Johnny's daughter," and I'll look around and reply.... " you're Wendell Wiggins." He will smile that smile, we will hug and it will be as if nothing had ever changed.
I love you.... Wendell O'Neal Wiggins. You taught me so many things, you made me feel special, you made me laugh and today.... I cried.
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Enjoying family time....
Happy 4th of July.... Just checking in because I changed some things on my blog page. Nobody reads this anyway, but me.
The weather is much cooler, cloudy, but we can swim. For some reason, as long as it's not Arctic, I can get in. I love, love, love to just float around on my noodle. The best way to swim is naked, but we have a little guy next door that may pop in, and I wouldn't want to scare him.
Enjoying our usual 4th meal.... hash, baked beans, potato salad, cantaloupe and watermelon.... and it's just the 3 of us. Justin, Jordan and Phoenix may come tomorrow afternoon to swim.
Praying for our country, America the beautiful, from sea to shining sea. We need more of your grace and mercy, Heavenly Father. We are blessed beyond measure, but we take it for granted. There are others who are trying so hard to take it away, and we are standing by in our complacency, and letting them get away with it.
Thank you Lord for your blessings, your grace and mercy. Help us to look to You Father, for guidance, make us aware of your Holy Presence and lead us.
I am thankful and blessed.... in good times and bad.... I Praise You Lord of Heaven.
The weather is much cooler, cloudy, but we can swim. For some reason, as long as it's not Arctic, I can get in. I love, love, love to just float around on my noodle. The best way to swim is naked, but we have a little guy next door that may pop in, and I wouldn't want to scare him.
Enjoying our usual 4th meal.... hash, baked beans, potato salad, cantaloupe and watermelon.... and it's just the 3 of us. Justin, Jordan and Phoenix may come tomorrow afternoon to swim.
Praying for our country, America the beautiful, from sea to shining sea. We need more of your grace and mercy, Heavenly Father. We are blessed beyond measure, but we take it for granted. There are others who are trying so hard to take it away, and we are standing by in our complacency, and letting them get away with it.
Thank you Lord for your blessings, your grace and mercy. Help us to look to You Father, for guidance, make us aware of your Holy Presence and lead us.
I am thankful and blessed.... in good times and bad.... I Praise You Lord of Heaven.
Friday, July 3, 2015
I'm Still Here
Thank you Heavenly Father.... I'm still here.
Of course each day is an adjustment, one step forward, two steps back. Most days are worse
than others, and it will always be a work in progress.
However, by the grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father.... I am blessed and I'm still here.
Tomorrow is the celebration of our country's independence. In the last few months, our country has suffered many set backs. Useless violence, murders and rioting in the streets.... Oh my God it sounds like Iraq. Last week, 9 precious people were gunned down during Wednesday night services in their church in uptown Charleston, SC, by a 21 year old young man, who said he wanted to start another civil war. Again, the question of removing the confederate flag from the SC state capitol grounds, is in the news. It is being suggested that the flag be moved to the Confederate Relic Room and placed on display. When the confederate flag was first moved from the Capitol building to the grounds.... I was upset, because this was part of our Southern heritage. However, this flag stood for slavery.... for the cruel treatment of one race of people by another race of people. It's time to move it and try and heal the wounds of our state.
I am proud to be an American from the state of South Carolina. I am proud that even though our state is in pain from the senseless murders in Charleston, any disagreements have been peaceful, and thank the Lord, no rioting in the streets. But.... our state needs you Lord.... our nation needs you. Be with our citizens, keep us safe.... free us from the hate and violence that holds our people hostage, and give us love and peace.
Happy Birthday America
God Bless America
Of course each day is an adjustment, one step forward, two steps back. Most days are worse
than others, and it will always be a work in progress.
However, by the grace and mercy of my Heavenly Father.... I am blessed and I'm still here.
Tomorrow is the celebration of our country's independence. In the last few months, our country has suffered many set backs. Useless violence, murders and rioting in the streets.... Oh my God it sounds like Iraq. Last week, 9 precious people were gunned down during Wednesday night services in their church in uptown Charleston, SC, by a 21 year old young man, who said he wanted to start another civil war. Again, the question of removing the confederate flag from the SC state capitol grounds, is in the news. It is being suggested that the flag be moved to the Confederate Relic Room and placed on display. When the confederate flag was first moved from the Capitol building to the grounds.... I was upset, because this was part of our Southern heritage. However, this flag stood for slavery.... for the cruel treatment of one race of people by another race of people. It's time to move it and try and heal the wounds of our state.
I am proud to be an American from the state of South Carolina. I am proud that even though our state is in pain from the senseless murders in Charleston, any disagreements have been peaceful, and thank the Lord, no rioting in the streets. But.... our state needs you Lord.... our nation needs you. Be with our citizens, keep us safe.... free us from the hate and violence that holds our people hostage, and give us love and peace.
Happy Birthday America
God Bless America
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Four years ago....
Four years ago today, I went in to wake mama for breakfast, and Jesus had come to take her home, to be with Him and to see daddy.
It's still so very hard to talk about that day. I know that her home going was something that mama had been praying for, she was tired, sick and missing my daddy. She felt that she was a burden to us and nobody ever came to see her.
I still remember my face was numb, something that happens when I'm in shock, I kept calling her.... "mama? mama?" I told Meredith to go and get her daddy, she was right behind me, and I could hear her crying as she ran down the hall. I touched mama, she was warm, so she hadn't been gone long. I remember her calling me the night before, and asking me who the man on the couch was? I had assured her that there was no man on the couch, but it must have been Jesus. Daddy saw an angel a few days before he went home.
I kissed mama's face and kept saying "mama, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. You were a wonderful mama, I'm so sorry!! Thank you for everything you did, I love you mama! I'm so very sorry, mama! mama!"
Ronnie came running into the room, with tears in his eyes and a look of shock, Meredith was sobbing. I looked at him and said.... "my mama is gone!"
The night before, Cookie and Mark were here. We were talking and laughing about good times, never knowing that this would be our last time together with mama. The protective wall that I put around my heart, suddenly was there, and I realized, that I had calls to make and things to do. It was the same thing that happened when daddy passed away, I had to be strong, take care of things, I could not break down!!
I prayed for the Lord to give me the strength to take care of the things that needed to be done. Calls were made, people came, they talked to me, they brought food and we made arrangements. I can recall almost everything, but it's like I'm watching a movie. I was just so tired.... I did eat, but I can't really say I tasted much. People were crying and talking about mama, and how they loved her and would miss her. I'm thinking to myself.... where were you? Every Sunday I would dress her nice and fix her hair, she would put on lipstick, and then wait.... and wait.... and wait. Finally, at the end of the day she would look at me and say.... 'they didn't come, did they?"
Mama could be difficult. She was strong willed, opinionated, you always knew what she was thinking. She was the meanest woman that I ever knew, and I told her that. Our bringing her here was a difficult adjustment for everybody, including her. There were ugly things said, very harsh and hurtful words. There was so much anger and resentment. There was laughter, talking about good memories, crying, apologies, hugs and kisses, looking through old pictures, sharing meals together, watching her "cooking shows" together and women's softball and NASCAR. It was so hard and it was special. We did the best we could to make it work and it would hurt me so badly when she would say, "I know I'm a burden." She was not a burden, but she was demanding. I kept pushing her to do more for herself, but she did the best she could.
I am sorry. Sorry that she and I wasted so many years at odds with one another. She was determined to make me be what she wanted, and I was so determined that I was never going to be like that. I hated it when people would tell me I looked like her, and she wasn't too happy about that either. I'm sorry that I could never truly remember the good times, without recalling the bad times, the cruel times, the times she beat me and took everything out on me. The times she was so critical of everything I did, said, wore. The times I never felt that I was ever good enough for her. I'm sorry for the times I resented her.... and yes.... the times I hated her. A month or so before she passed away.... she made a big mess in the bathroom and she wanted Meredith to clean it up. Meredith was only 15 years old and she was already doing more that any of the others, to help me take care of mama. Meredith told her no and mama gritted her teeth and called her "a bitch!" Meredith can be a bitch, but her dad and I are the only ones that can tell her that. I saw black, never a good thing, because I loose control. I dismissed Meredith from the bathroom, and I cleaned up mama and the bathroom and I put her in the wheelchair. I remember she kept saying something, but I really can't remember what it was. All I do remember was that I was so mad that I was screaming at her, cursing her and calling her some of the names that she use to call me growing up. I reminded her of EVERYTHING!! Things that I feel in my heart that she remembered, but had hoped I hadn't, she should have known better, I never forget. I was screaming so loudly and cursing, that I was actually spitting. Finally.... I pushed her away and left the room. I was sick, so sick! Sick to my very core, that I had unleashed all of those years of pent up anger. Lord, what have I done?
Mama and I certainly needed to clear the air, but not this way. This was not my way. An hour or so after my horrible tantrum, mama called me in to the bathroom to help her. When I finished cleaning her up and helped her back in the chair.... she grabbed me around the waist and hugged me so tightly and began to cry. "I am so sorry. I love you and I appreciate everything that you do for me, everything that Ronnie and Meredith do for me. I am so sorry." I cried and grabbed her and hugged her, "Mama, I am so very sorry. I love you too, I am so sorry." Years of hurt and pain, melted away.... we were going to be okay, finally. She had told me that even though the apartment that Ronnie had built on to the back of the house was beautiful, she wished that she was still in her little bedroom that we had made for her across the hall from Meredith. She was lonely and afraid back in her place, and even though we would ask her to eat with us, she would say that was our family time. We tried to tell her that she was part of our family and we tried to include her, but she just never felt at home, and that hurts me.
There were times when we would put her in the car and go get ice cream and then we would ride around. We were able to take her to church a couple of times, but she missed daddy so badly and NO ONE CAME. It broke my heart to see her waiting. Well, later in the afternoon, after she passed away, I whispered to her.... "Mama, they came."
Mama.... I miss you so much. I miss the talks we had and the people we would remember and talk about. I miss holding your tiny little hands and watching them glide over those piano keys, so effortlessly and beautifully. I now know, that you may have acted strong and fearless when daddy was gone for weeks at a time, but you were actually a frightened young wife and mother. Solely responsible for three babies, with no help from anyone cause, we lived in Cayce away from Nannie and Papa, and your support system. You said I was like a little map, and remembered how to get back home. You made sure that the house was spotless, our clothes were also spotless, and the meals were amazing. You kept us grounded in church and you were responsible for our love of music. Ronnie travels and is away from home a lot, and I now know how you felt, only I'm never afraid, because you hide your fear so well, I really did learn to be strong and fearless. Daddy always did say I was the strongest and the meanest.
Mama.... I love you so much. In spite of our differences.... you taught me how to be a hard working wife and mother, and to keep a clean home. You taught me to stay grounded in church, and to raise my children in church, to have manners and respect for others. Because of our differences, I am not the same kind of parent that you were. Yes, they have manners and respect, and they are hard working and responsible, but I have tried to be more patient and to give them a fair chance. Not so quick to slap and ask questions like you, but more like daddy. I just can't inflict that pain and humiliation of the "slap and ask" method you used.
There is not a day of these four years, that I don't think of you and daddy. I'm happy that you are pain free and that you and daddy and the rest of the family, are laughing and running and worshipping at the feet of our precious Jesus. I will see you all again one day, but hopefully not for a little while. I want to see Meredith established in her career as a teacher, married and a mother. I also want to watch our baby girl Phoenix grow up and maybe even have a little brother or sister.
Happy Home Going, Mama- Miss Maggie- Hagatha, until we meet again.
Your loving daughter,
Amelia Ann Easler (Megie) Wall
It's still so very hard to talk about that day. I know that her home going was something that mama had been praying for, she was tired, sick and missing my daddy. She felt that she was a burden to us and nobody ever came to see her.
I still remember my face was numb, something that happens when I'm in shock, I kept calling her.... "mama? mama?" I told Meredith to go and get her daddy, she was right behind me, and I could hear her crying as she ran down the hall. I touched mama, she was warm, so she hadn't been gone long. I remember her calling me the night before, and asking me who the man on the couch was? I had assured her that there was no man on the couch, but it must have been Jesus. Daddy saw an angel a few days before he went home.
I kissed mama's face and kept saying "mama, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. You were a wonderful mama, I'm so sorry!! Thank you for everything you did, I love you mama! I'm so very sorry, mama! mama!"
Ronnie came running into the room, with tears in his eyes and a look of shock, Meredith was sobbing. I looked at him and said.... "my mama is gone!"
The night before, Cookie and Mark were here. We were talking and laughing about good times, never knowing that this would be our last time together with mama. The protective wall that I put around my heart, suddenly was there, and I realized, that I had calls to make and things to do. It was the same thing that happened when daddy passed away, I had to be strong, take care of things, I could not break down!!
I prayed for the Lord to give me the strength to take care of the things that needed to be done. Calls were made, people came, they talked to me, they brought food and we made arrangements. I can recall almost everything, but it's like I'm watching a movie. I was just so tired.... I did eat, but I can't really say I tasted much. People were crying and talking about mama, and how they loved her and would miss her. I'm thinking to myself.... where were you? Every Sunday I would dress her nice and fix her hair, she would put on lipstick, and then wait.... and wait.... and wait. Finally, at the end of the day she would look at me and say.... 'they didn't come, did they?"
Mama could be difficult. She was strong willed, opinionated, you always knew what she was thinking. She was the meanest woman that I ever knew, and I told her that. Our bringing her here was a difficult adjustment for everybody, including her. There were ugly things said, very harsh and hurtful words. There was so much anger and resentment. There was laughter, talking about good memories, crying, apologies, hugs and kisses, looking through old pictures, sharing meals together, watching her "cooking shows" together and women's softball and NASCAR. It was so hard and it was special. We did the best we could to make it work and it would hurt me so badly when she would say, "I know I'm a burden." She was not a burden, but she was demanding. I kept pushing her to do more for herself, but she did the best she could.
I am sorry. Sorry that she and I wasted so many years at odds with one another. She was determined to make me be what she wanted, and I was so determined that I was never going to be like that. I hated it when people would tell me I looked like her, and she wasn't too happy about that either. I'm sorry that I could never truly remember the good times, without recalling the bad times, the cruel times, the times she beat me and took everything out on me. The times she was so critical of everything I did, said, wore. The times I never felt that I was ever good enough for her. I'm sorry for the times I resented her.... and yes.... the times I hated her. A month or so before she passed away.... she made a big mess in the bathroom and she wanted Meredith to clean it up. Meredith was only 15 years old and she was already doing more that any of the others, to help me take care of mama. Meredith told her no and mama gritted her teeth and called her "a bitch!" Meredith can be a bitch, but her dad and I are the only ones that can tell her that. I saw black, never a good thing, because I loose control. I dismissed Meredith from the bathroom, and I cleaned up mama and the bathroom and I put her in the wheelchair. I remember she kept saying something, but I really can't remember what it was. All I do remember was that I was so mad that I was screaming at her, cursing her and calling her some of the names that she use to call me growing up. I reminded her of EVERYTHING!! Things that I feel in my heart that she remembered, but had hoped I hadn't, she should have known better, I never forget. I was screaming so loudly and cursing, that I was actually spitting. Finally.... I pushed her away and left the room. I was sick, so sick! Sick to my very core, that I had unleashed all of those years of pent up anger. Lord, what have I done?
Mama and I certainly needed to clear the air, but not this way. This was not my way. An hour or so after my horrible tantrum, mama called me in to the bathroom to help her. When I finished cleaning her up and helped her back in the chair.... she grabbed me around the waist and hugged me so tightly and began to cry. "I am so sorry. I love you and I appreciate everything that you do for me, everything that Ronnie and Meredith do for me. I am so sorry." I cried and grabbed her and hugged her, "Mama, I am so very sorry. I love you too, I am so sorry." Years of hurt and pain, melted away.... we were going to be okay, finally. She had told me that even though the apartment that Ronnie had built on to the back of the house was beautiful, she wished that she was still in her little bedroom that we had made for her across the hall from Meredith. She was lonely and afraid back in her place, and even though we would ask her to eat with us, she would say that was our family time. We tried to tell her that she was part of our family and we tried to include her, but she just never felt at home, and that hurts me.
There were times when we would put her in the car and go get ice cream and then we would ride around. We were able to take her to church a couple of times, but she missed daddy so badly and NO ONE CAME. It broke my heart to see her waiting. Well, later in the afternoon, after she passed away, I whispered to her.... "Mama, they came."
Mama.... I miss you so much. I miss the talks we had and the people we would remember and talk about. I miss holding your tiny little hands and watching them glide over those piano keys, so effortlessly and beautifully. I now know, that you may have acted strong and fearless when daddy was gone for weeks at a time, but you were actually a frightened young wife and mother. Solely responsible for three babies, with no help from anyone cause, we lived in Cayce away from Nannie and Papa, and your support system. You said I was like a little map, and remembered how to get back home. You made sure that the house was spotless, our clothes were also spotless, and the meals were amazing. You kept us grounded in church and you were responsible for our love of music. Ronnie travels and is away from home a lot, and I now know how you felt, only I'm never afraid, because you hide your fear so well, I really did learn to be strong and fearless. Daddy always did say I was the strongest and the meanest.
Mama.... I love you so much. In spite of our differences.... you taught me how to be a hard working wife and mother, and to keep a clean home. You taught me to stay grounded in church, and to raise my children in church, to have manners and respect for others. Because of our differences, I am not the same kind of parent that you were. Yes, they have manners and respect, and they are hard working and responsible, but I have tried to be more patient and to give them a fair chance. Not so quick to slap and ask questions like you, but more like daddy. I just can't inflict that pain and humiliation of the "slap and ask" method you used.
There is not a day of these four years, that I don't think of you and daddy. I'm happy that you are pain free and that you and daddy and the rest of the family, are laughing and running and worshipping at the feet of our precious Jesus. I will see you all again one day, but hopefully not for a little while. I want to see Meredith established in her career as a teacher, married and a mother. I also want to watch our baby girl Phoenix grow up and maybe even have a little brother or sister.
Happy Home Going, Mama- Miss Maggie- Hagatha, until we meet again.
Your loving daughter,
Amelia Ann Easler (Megie) Wall
Monday, March 30, 2015
After all.... I'm an adult
Things are still going fairly well, because the Lord is changing me. No.... I'm still not perfect and I never will be, but I am trying so hard not to argue. Ronnie and I were having a discussion that could have easily turned into an argument and he asked me why I always say things, when I am trying so hard to keep my mouth shut? Well that question in it's self could have caused another discussion, but I let that one slide. I told him that I am like Sophia on Golden Girls.... sometimes it's hard to keep it in, I feel like "I'm cramping up."
When I went to the doctor, of course the main topic was weight loss. He doesn't know me well, because I'm a new patient, and he is strictly be the book, I guess it will take some time. Ronnie told Meredith to go with me so she could ask about my drinking Coke Zero, well you know he said no soft drinks.
I told Ronnie that I would stick to one small glass at night with my meds. I had a little Coke Zero in the fridge and there were 4 in the pantry. The next evening, when I drank the last of the Coke Zero that was in the fridge, I went to throw the bottle into the trash, and I just looked over at the shelf, where the Cokes were.... THEY WERE GONE!! Did you understand what I said? THEY WERE GONE!! They had hidden them!! I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I was so hurt. I tried searching in every nook and cranny I could possibly look in, but they were hidden up on a shelf somewhere, so I couldn't reach them!! I felt betrayed.... the worst possible hurt.
This was the straw.... Of course they control every possible area in my life, Meredith tattles on me and everything I say to Ronnie, is wrong or he disagrees with, but this was the ultimate.
Cookie tried to sneak me some smaller bottles in, but Meredith over-heard her and that was that. She and Ronnie became really upset, but I think they realized.... some way.... some how.... I will get what I want. Meredith is really helping me stay on my diet, but they want me to relax a little on the weekend. This will always be a way of life for me, and I may relax sometimes, but if they keep hiding the Coke Zero, I will find a way.... after all.... I'm an adult.
When I went to the doctor, of course the main topic was weight loss. He doesn't know me well, because I'm a new patient, and he is strictly be the book, I guess it will take some time. Ronnie told Meredith to go with me so she could ask about my drinking Coke Zero, well you know he said no soft drinks.
I told Ronnie that I would stick to one small glass at night with my meds. I had a little Coke Zero in the fridge and there were 4 in the pantry. The next evening, when I drank the last of the Coke Zero that was in the fridge, I went to throw the bottle into the trash, and I just looked over at the shelf, where the Cokes were.... THEY WERE GONE!! Did you understand what I said? THEY WERE GONE!! They had hidden them!! I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, I was so hurt. I tried searching in every nook and cranny I could possibly look in, but they were hidden up on a shelf somewhere, so I couldn't reach them!! I felt betrayed.... the worst possible hurt.
This was the straw.... Of course they control every possible area in my life, Meredith tattles on me and everything I say to Ronnie, is wrong or he disagrees with, but this was the ultimate.
Cookie tried to sneak me some smaller bottles in, but Meredith over-heard her and that was that. She and Ronnie became really upset, but I think they realized.... some way.... some how.... I will get what I want. Meredith is really helping me stay on my diet, but they want me to relax a little on the weekend. This will always be a way of life for me, and I may relax sometimes, but if they keep hiding the Coke Zero, I will find a way.... after all.... I'm an adult.
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